Some random jokes you may or may not have heard before.

[noxmagnus (imported)]

While taking a walk in the woods, a man comes across a little frog. The frog asks the man if it's OK if they walk together for a while and the man tells the frog to suit himself. After a while the man decides to go home and the frog asks if he might come along and again, the man assents.

After reaching home, the man attempts to say goodbye but the frog boldly asks if he can come in and stay for dinner. A little miffed but not wanting to insult the frog, the man says, "fine, come in and have dinner."

After that, the man decides to go to bed and tells the frog it's time for him to go back to the woods. But the frog doesn't want to go and asks if he can spend the night. The man is too shocked at this request to say anything but yes.

Now they're both in bed and the frog says, "Hey, aren't you gonna kiss me good night?" The man, seemingly under the frog's spell, kisses the frog. And then, all of a sudden, the frog turns into a beautiful, nubile 16-year-old girl. And that, your honor, is the heart of our defense.

(You knew there had to be a lawyer involved, right?)

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A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "It's raining out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The next runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

A third runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Without missing a beat he replied, "Only when it's raining."

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The only cow in a small town in southern Minnesota stopped giving milk. The local townspeople did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Iowa for 800 dollars, or one from Michigan for 600 dollars.

Being frugal Swedes, naturally they bought the cow from Michigan. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

The townspeople decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like this wonderful Michigan cow. Then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would just move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his amorous quest.

The townspeople were very upset and decided to ask the retired professor who was very wise in such complicated matters just what they should do. They told the professor what was happening.

"When ever the bull approaches cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she moves to the back. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The retired professor thought about this for a minute and then asked, "Did you buy this cow from Michigan?"

The townspeople were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.

"You are truly a wise professor," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Michigan?"

The professor answered sagely, "My wife is from Michigan."

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Once upon a time there was a stork family -- a papa, a mama and a baby. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked, "Papa stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa.

Several weeks later mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When she did come in, baby stork asked, "Mama, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.

"Out scaring the college students," replied baby stork.

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Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly above us were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later I described the event to our friends.

Me: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so well.

"After about ten minutes, it became really annoying.

"After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was

keeping us from going to sleep...."

Friends: "And then?"

Me: "And then after 20 straight minutes... OK, after twenty minutes it was pretty damn impressive."

Friends: "And...?"

At that point, my wife called from the next room: "And then I challenged him to beat that record. ...And he lost."

Thanks, Hon.

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A mother had triplet daughters and, sure enough, they all got married the same day. On their wedding night, mom tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

Two days later the letters start to arrive from the various honeymoon destination spots.

The first one has the simple message: "Maxwell House Coffee". The mother gets the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, "Satisfaction to the last drop..." Mother is very happy.

The next day she gets the second letter. It reads: "Rothman's Mattresses". So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad and it says, "Full size, king size". And the mother is happy.

But she waits and waits for the third letter. It finally arrives after three weeks and has the message: "British Airways". Mother is at first perplexed, and when she finally finds the British Airways ad she fainted. The ad read:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

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A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."

"OK," the man says.

"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."

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The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa in the late 1800s, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America in the mid 1900s, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India in the early 1900s, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France in the late 1900s. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia in the early 2000s, lost the war -- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia in the late 1900s, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia in the mid 1900s, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan is now: most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq in the late 1900s -- ruled by a dick.

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Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camo and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner. Worse: She turns you on.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit into your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: He was a counterfeiter.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star. Worse: She's a lot better in bed than your wife.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's on her way in. Worse: there's a big group of guys behind her.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.

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Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind.

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Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion to add more warning labels to their products. Just as the warnings on cigarette packs "rotate" through a variety of cautions, alcohol products will also get one of the following warning notices:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

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Harry, a first-grader, demanded that his teacher be available for a "meeting" after school.

At the appointed time, the teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher, hearing this before, had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 times 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 times 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Not so fast. Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal looked visibly shaken.)

Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was ready.)

Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I?' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (The principal is looking more and more amazed.)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last few questions wrong myself."