Talk Texas! Dedicated to Slammr!
Posted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 6:53 pm
Word to the wise: how to talk and behave in Texas!!
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(This was originally addressed to members of the Press Corps but it just
seemed like a good way to share our collective thoughts to any northern
folks we might know).
MEMO: TO MEMBERS OF THE PRESS CORPS AND ASSORTED MEDIA TYPES
SUBJECT: GUIDELINES FOR GETTING ALONG WHILE ACCOMPANYING THE PRESIDENT TO THE TEXAS WHITE HOUSE IN CRAWFORD. (THAT'S TEXAS !)
1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried
steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll
kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley,
Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.).
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a
coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up
or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some
J.Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than
you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hugh
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen.
Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit
the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut
up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO
NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or
contains no kidney beans. This will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what
we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's
all that matters.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smell of oil or cow
pies. If your livelihood depended on those wells and cows you'd soon
learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught
fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass
all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did
ours.
13) Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Ron Kirk). However, we are not dumb enough to
let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(This was originally addressed to members of the Press Corps but it just
seemed like a good way to share our collective thoughts to any northern
folks we might know).
MEMO: TO MEMBERS OF THE PRESS CORPS AND ASSORTED MEDIA TYPES
SUBJECT: GUIDELINES FOR GETTING ALONG WHILE ACCOMPANYING THE PRESIDENT TO THE TEXAS WHITE HOUSE IN CRAWFORD. (THAT'S TEXAS !)
1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried
steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll
kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley,
Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.).
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a
coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up
or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some
J.Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than
you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hugh
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen.
Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit
the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut
up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO
NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or
contains no kidney beans. This will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what
we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's
all that matters.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smell of oil or cow
pies. If your livelihood depended on those wells and cows you'd soon
learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught
fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass
all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did
ours.
13) Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Ron Kirk). However, we are not dumb enough to
let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate.
