Talk Texas! Dedicated to Slammr!

[Studlover (imported)]

Word to the wise: how to talk and behave in Texas!!

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(This was originally addressed to members of the Press Corps but it just

seemed like a good way to share our collective thoughts to any northern

folks we might know).

MEMO: TO MEMBERS OF THE PRESS CORPS AND ASSORTED MEDIA TYPES

SUBJECT: GUIDELINES FOR GETTING ALONG WHILE ACCOMPANYING THE PRESIDENT TO THE TEXAS WHITE HOUSE IN CRAWFORD. (THAT'S TEXAS !)

1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local

restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried

steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll

kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley,

Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.).

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a

coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up

or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some

J.Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than

you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hugh

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen.

Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit

the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut

up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk

casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO

NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or

contains no kidney beans. This will get your ass kicked into next week.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know

they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,

Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it

here, Delta is ready when you are.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we

don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what

we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's

all that matters.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smell of oil or cow

pies. If your livelihood depended on those wells and cows you'd soon

learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught

fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass

all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors

open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are

expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little

gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did

ours.

13) Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small

lapses in judgment (e.g., Ron Kirk). However, we are not dumb enough to

let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate.

[Dave (imported)]

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a

coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up

or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it.

no, no, no, no, no - - Only in Western PA do we call it "pop" ...

And it's anything carbonated, not just Coke, so don't confuse us. . .

Soda is a name used by effete new york snobs with uppity attitooooods and

that other expression - Tonic or Fizzy, well just don;t use those words ever...

And Sasparilla HAH! if you dare say saspararararailla - - I'll rip your nuts off personally...

And you can take your frappe's and floats and drown in them.

uh, why am I writing this?

[Studlover (imported)]

no, no, no, no, no - - Only in Western PA do we call it "pop" ...

And it's anything carbonated, not just Coke, so don't confuse us. . .

Soda is a name used by effete new york snobs with uppity attitooooods and

that other expression - Tonic or Fizzy, well just don;t use those words ever...

And Sasparilla HAH! if you dare say saspararararailla - - I'll rip your nuts off personally...

And you can take your frappe's and floats and drown in them.

uh, why am I writing this?

Dave, I have no idea why you are writing this nor have I any idea why I wrote it.

Frappe in Texas? That would get your ass whipped, also.

Studlover

[n3rf (imported)]

Det ar ganska svart att forsta alla dom dar finesserna som han beskriver pagar i Texas.

Vi ater bara plattar och pankakor or talar inte med sa manga underliga ord..Hej Hej i Lingonskogen. Ifran Johan-i-Washington , N3RF