Everything I Need to Know . . .

[Patient (imported)]

I learned at my mother's knee, or over my father's:

1. To APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning in here."

2. To be DEVOUT: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. The possibility of TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into the middle of next week."

4. LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5. SUPERIOR LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going shopping with me."

6. The value of FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

7. To recognize IRONY: "If you don't stop crying I'll give you good reason to cry."

8. The functioning of OSMOSIS: "Shut up and eat your supper."

9. The usefullness of CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. The value of PATIENCE: "You'll sit here until all that spinach is gone."

11. The effects of WEATHER: "Your room looks as if a tornado hit it."

12. How to spot HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. The CYCLIC NATURE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

14. How BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION works: "Stop acting like your father!"

15. What ENVY is: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have the wonderful parents you have."

16. The pleasure of ANTICIPATION: "Just wait 'til we get home!"

17. The blessedness of RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. The infallibility of MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you keep on crossing your eyes they'll get stuck like that."

19. The infallibility of FEMININE INTUITION: "Put your sweater on; I know when you're cold."

20. To appreciate BLACK HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't you come running to me."

21. HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow up."

22. The power of GENETICS: "You're just like your father!"

23. The importance of my CULTURAL HERITAGE: "Shut that door behind you. Were you born in a barn?"

24. The inevitability of WISDOM: "When you get to be my age you'll understand."

25. That there really is JUSTICE IN THIS LIFE: "One day you'll have kids, and they'll behave just like you!"

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[Robby (imported)]

Here are the things I need to know today...

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

One to viciously smear the poor bloke above;

One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Enjoy...