Subject: Groaners of the Weak 12-17-04

From: Stan Kegel

Date: 12/17/2004 10:47 PM Pacific Standard Time

Message-id: <BDE91264.16906%kegel@fea.net>

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 12-17-04

THE GROANERS

It was a busy morning at the Third Annual International Clock Convention.

Lunchtime was designated "free time" and for the most part the attendees

broke off into groups of two and three for the two-hour break. The

Grandfather Clock and the Old Dutch Clock hit it off; the Mantel Clock and

the Anniversary Clock found themselves similarly paired, and so on. Until

there was no one left in the conference room but the little Alarm Clock --

who went off by himself. (Bob Dvorak)

My cousin is in a bad spot. He's got a bad inner ear problem that needs

surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing on that side. He has no insurance,

though, and the cost is way too much for him. He does have a way out,

though. A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only

if he'll marry her, afterwards! She's 50 years older than him! You could

call it a wife or deaf situation. (Sean/ Daily Groaner)

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got

along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that,

deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the

inmate to learn a trade while doing his time. Some three years later, Andy

was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he

would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.

And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a

model inmate. One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though

he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter

top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.

To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help. "But you're an

expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden. "Gosh, warden,

I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison

in the first place." (Marty Dee)

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a

hole was cracked in the stage floor. Sub- sequent acts managed to avoid the

damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally

stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for

his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't

worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!" (Paul Cooper)

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come

to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall

Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for

the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose----how to

handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author

said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully. The book appeared.

It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at

an important government institution, was attached to his position by the

strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock." (Big Al)

My wife would have preferred to fly without the old man in the adjacent seat

sniggering while straining to look down her blouse, but how often does one

get to travel on a leer jet? (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)

Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one of

the many archeological digs in that country. In a cave outside of Beijing,

they found a very large cache of eggs that had been buried for over a

thousand years. When they finally excavated the eggs, people could not

believe they were that old. Scientists issued a statement to the public

explaining the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof.

For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter? (Author

Unknown)

While working in an OB-GYN clinic, a young mother came in for a scheduled

appointment requesting a diaphragm. She had her ten year old son with her.

My friend suggested she might like to ask her son to wait for her in the

lobby, when the young mother stated, "Oh, no. I need him to see the doctor

today. You see, Johnny is taking voice lessons. His voice coach says he can

have Johnny singing from his diaphragm in no time, and I figured if that was

the case, we'd better get him one fast before the insurance runs out!"

(Mavis Hampton)

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the

wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The

strong man asked him what he was going to do. "This is a disaster," the

husband answered, I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her

caliber." (Marty Dee)

If I were to become disillusioned and leave my job working the guillotine

during the French Revolution, I doubt I'd have the guts to ask for some kind

of severance package. (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)

He: "Long johns make me look meatier, and all chicks dig that." She: "

"Sorry to tell you this, but the one thing we chicks dig can't be made

meatier with long johns. For that you need new genes." (Archives)

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the

following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:

basketball

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your

balls become. (Big Al)

As our Psychology of Education instructor gave us an assignment to read

various and assorted journal articles and summarize them, he made sure we

would look at a wide assortment of topics, Adolescent issues, Marking and

Assessment strategies, etc., both specific topics and broad topics to which

the student next to me leaned over and asked, "Broad topics that would be,

like, gender equality for women or something, right?" (Archives)

A young couple's marriage was suffering from her inability to cook. Things

really got bad the night that the husband fished a piece of paper out of

what was supposed to be a stew. He unfolded the paper and read, "Nobly,

nobly Cape St. Vincent to the North-west died away." Waving the soggy scrap,

he demanded, "What the heck is, this?" "Well," the young wife replied, the

recipe said that if the stew was too thin I should add Browning.² (Adrian

Stapleton)

An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure what type to get.

At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He pondered

for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels. (Firesong

Funnies)

A well known chef bought several cases of carp. Endeavoring to create a new

signature dish, he tried combining herbs and spices with shortening but

found that the cooking time had to be exact. So when the chef received a

phone call during the dinner hour, he had to cut it short, explaining, "I

left my carp in saffron Crisco. (Daily Groaner)

Of all the claims various nationalities have made to prove their

superiority, the latest out of Ireland takes the cake. They're claiming that

the stars in the heavens are Irish! And they can prove it, they say, by the

name of one of the constellations, "For faith and begorra, isn't it called

O'Ryan?" (Cynthia MacGregor)

Orion probably was Irish -- which is why he's always seen with a belt. (Bob

Dvorak)

We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator. Well, not

long ago, Jill, her face buried in a map book, said, "Turn here!" John did,

and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just his luck, a policeman was

nearby and stopped him. He tried to explain that they were lost, and he was

following his wife's directions. He issued John a ticket for "Driving Under

the Influence of Wife." (William Brabant)

After many years of faithful duty with the US Forest Service, their beloved

fire prevention mascot was unceremoniously "re-tired." Still in the prime of

his life and bearing one of the world's most recognizable faces, he quickly

found work as a spokesman for the world's leading exporter of diamonds. He's

now working as "Smokey Debeers". (Marty Dee)

From the coffee-colored skies, rain dripped incessantly on the grounds of

the deCroissant estate and on the upturned mugs of Link Sausage, private

eye, and his girl friend Patti, who knew they had to split this case.

deCroissant may have been totally flaky, but his French wife, Miette, had

been the toast of three continents until someone (either deCroissant himself

or possibly Miette's hard-boiled lover, Poche) had cracked under the

pressure of shelling out for the lady's expensive tastes and had scrambled

her brains sometime early on this tart spring morning, leaving Linck and

Patti no choice but to grill both men, before either had a chance to waffle

his way out of the current jam. (Lynda Carraher)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

The doctor says, "That's impossible!" She explains, "When I touch my arm,

ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head,

ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts." The doctor just

shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?" The woman

smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies,

"Because your finger is broken." (Marty Dee)

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the

counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside

her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl

and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery

than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't

time enough during a coffee break." (Fred Barling)

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled

down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid

replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally

stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. (Raaneboux)

Did you know that Moses had to make a third trip up to the top of Mount

Sinai? Well, on this third trip, Moses arrived at the burning bush after

much climbing, removed his sandals, kneeled and prayed to God. "Oh mighty

God, King of the Universe, your people have sent me back here to ask you a

question about the Ten Commandments." "What question do they have for me?"

roared the voice of God. "They want to know whether the commandments are

listed according to priority." (William Brabant)

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink

the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a blonde

teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a

problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting." (Blonde Jokes)

St. Peter was watching the pearly gates one afternoon when Jesus came around

to see him. "Oh great! Glad you're here", Pete says, "Can you watch the

gates for a minute while I go to the bathroom?" Jesus nods and Pete runs off

in a hurry. Soon, and old man walks up to the gate. "Well", Jesus says,

"Tell me your life story". The old man looks up and says "I don't remember

too much because I had amnesia when I died, but I remember my name was

Joseph, and I was a carpenter, and I had a son that was world famous!" Jesus

looks at him and says "Papa?" The old mans says "Pinocchio?" (William

Brabant)

Reporting to Camp Lejeune, I was glad my husband had already explained to me

that a "Commissioned Officers' Mess (open)" is open to all officers, whereas

a "Commissioned Officers' Mess (closed)" is limited to officers residing on

base. Therefore, I understood this message: During the holidays the

Commissioned Officers' Mess (open) will be closed. The Commissioned

Officers' Mess (closed) will be open. (Douglas Helsel)

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in

the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front

of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way

to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful

curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, &

knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he

got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That

does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!" (William

Brabant)

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a

little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of

almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps

him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She

repeats this gesture about eight times. He asks her why they do not eat

almonds themselves. Whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of

their old teeth. They are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?"

he asks puzzled. The old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around

them." (Daily Groaner)



And you though I was bad???????

Thanks for the giggles, Andrew. Happy Yule! --FLO--