From: Stan Kegel
Date: 12/17/2004 10:47 PM Pacific Standard Time
Message-id: <BDE91264.16906%kegel@fea.net>
GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 12-17-04
THE GROANERS
It was a busy morning at the Third Annual International Clock Convention.
Lunchtime was designated "free time" and for the most part the attendees
broke off into groups of two and three for the two-hour break. The
Grandfather Clock and the Old Dutch Clock hit it off; the Mantel Clock and
the Anniversary Clock found themselves similarly paired, and so on. Until
there was no one left in the conference room but the little Alarm Clock --
who went off by himself. (Bob Dvorak)
My cousin is in a bad spot. He's got a bad inner ear problem that needs
surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing on that side. He has no insurance,
though, and the cost is way too much for him. He does have a way out,
though. A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only
if he'll marry her, afterwards! She's 50 years older than him! You could
call it a wife or deaf situation. (Sean/ Daily Groaner)
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got
along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that,
deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the
inmate to learn a trade while doing his time. Some three years later, Andy
was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he
would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a
model inmate. One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though
he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter
top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help. "But you're an
expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden. "Gosh, warden,
I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison
in the first place." (Marty Dee)
During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a
hole was cracked in the stage floor. Sub- sequent acts managed to avoid the
damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally
stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for
his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't
worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!" (Paul Cooper)
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come
to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall
Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for
the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose----how to
handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author
said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully. The book appeared.
It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at
an important government institution, was attached to his position by the
strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock." (Big Al)
My wife would have preferred to fly without the old man in the adjacent seat
sniggering while straining to look down her blouse, but how often does one
get to travel on a leer jet? (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)
Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one of
the many archeological digs in that country. In a cave outside of Beijing,
they found a very large cache of eggs that had been buried for over a
thousand years. When they finally excavated the eggs, people could not
believe they were that old. Scientists issued a statement to the public
explaining the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof.
For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter? (Author
Unknown)
While working in an OB-GYN clinic, a young mother came in for a scheduled
appointment requesting a diaphragm. She had her ten year old son with her.
My friend suggested she might like to ask her son to wait for her in the
lobby, when the young mother stated, "Oh, no. I need him to see the doctor
today. You see, Johnny is taking voice lessons. His voice coach says he can
have Johnny singing from his diaphragm in no time, and I figured if that was
the case, we'd better get him one fast before the insurance runs out!"
(Mavis Hampton)
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the
wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The
strong man asked him what he was going to do. "This is a disaster," the
husband answered, I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her
caliber." (Marty Dee)
If I were to become disillusioned and leave my job working the guillotine
during the French Revolution, I doubt I'd have the guts to ask for some kind
of severance package. (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)
He: "Long johns make me look meatier, and all chicks dig that." She: "
"Sorry to tell you this, but the one thing we chicks dig can't be made
meatier with long johns. For that you need new genes." (Archives)
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the
following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your
balls become. (Big Al)
As our Psychology of Education instructor gave us an assignment to read
various and assorted journal articles and summarize them, he made sure we
would look at a wide assortment of topics, Adolescent issues, Marking and
Assessment strategies, etc., both specific topics and broad topics to which
the student next to me leaned over and asked, "Broad topics that would be,
like, gender equality for women or something, right?" (Archives)
A young couple's marriage was suffering from her inability to cook. Things
really got bad the night that the husband fished a piece of paper out of
what was supposed to be a stew. He unfolded the paper and read, "Nobly,
nobly Cape St. Vincent to the North-west died away." Waving the soggy scrap,
he demanded, "What the heck is, this?" "Well," the young wife replied, the
recipe said that if the stew was too thin I should add Browning.² (Adrian
Stapleton)
An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure what type to get.
At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He pondered
for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels. (Firesong
Funnies)
A well known chef bought several cases of carp. Endeavoring to create a new
signature dish, he tried combining herbs and spices with shortening but
found that the cooking time had to be exact. So when the chef received a
phone call during the dinner hour, he had to cut it short, explaining, "I
left my carp in saffron Crisco. (Daily Groaner)
Of all the claims various nationalities have made to prove their
superiority, the latest out of Ireland takes the cake. They're claiming that
the stars in the heavens are Irish! And they can prove it, they say, by the
name of one of the constellations, "For faith and begorra, isn't it called
O'Ryan?" (Cynthia MacGregor)
Orion probably was Irish -- which is why he's always seen with a belt. (Bob
Dvorak)
We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator. Well, not
long ago, Jill, her face buried in a map book, said, "Turn here!" John did,
and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just his luck, a policeman was
nearby and stopped him. He tried to explain that they were lost, and he was
following his wife's directions. He issued John a ticket for "Driving Under
the Influence of Wife." (William Brabant)
After many years of faithful duty with the US Forest Service, their beloved
fire prevention mascot was unceremoniously "re-tired." Still in the prime of
his life and bearing one of the world's most recognizable faces, he quickly
found work as a spokesman for the world's leading exporter of diamonds. He's
now working as "Smokey Debeers". (Marty Dee)
From the coffee-colored skies, rain dripped incessantly on the grounds of
the deCroissant estate and on the upturned mugs of Link Sausage, private
eye, and his girl friend Patti, who knew they had to split this case.
deCroissant may have been totally flaky, but his French wife, Miette, had
been the toast of three continents until someone (either deCroissant himself
or possibly Miette's hard-boiled lover, Poche) had cracked under the
pressure of shelling out for the lady's expensive tastes and had scrambled
her brains sometime early on this tart spring morning, leaving Linck and
Patti no choice but to grill both men, before either had a chance to waffle
his way out of the current jam. (Lynda Carraher)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
The doctor says, "That's impossible!" She explains, "When I touch my arm,
ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head,
ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts." The doctor just
shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?" The woman
smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies,
"Because your finger is broken." (Marty Dee)
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the
counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside
her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl
and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery
than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't
time enough during a coffee break." (Fred Barling)
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. (Raaneboux)
Did you know that Moses had to make a third trip up to the top of Mount
Sinai? Well, on this third trip, Moses arrived at the burning bush after
much climbing, removed his sandals, kneeled and prayed to God. "Oh mighty
God, King of the Universe, your people have sent me back here to ask you a
question about the Ten Commandments." "What question do they have for me?"
roared the voice of God. "They want to know whether the commandments are
listed according to priority." (William Brabant)
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.
I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink
the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a blonde
teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a
problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting." (Blonde Jokes)
St. Peter was watching the pearly gates one afternoon when Jesus came around
to see him. "Oh great! Glad you're here", Pete says, "Can you watch the
gates for a minute while I go to the bathroom?" Jesus nods and Pete runs off
in a hurry. Soon, and old man walks up to the gate. "Well", Jesus says,
"Tell me your life story". The old man looks up and says "I don't remember
too much because I had amnesia when I died, but I remember my name was
Joseph, and I was a carpenter, and I had a son that was world famous!" Jesus
looks at him and says "Papa?" The old mans says "Pinocchio?" (William
Brabant)
Reporting to Camp Lejeune, I was glad my husband had already explained to me
that a "Commissioned Officers' Mess (open)" is open to all officers, whereas
a "Commissioned Officers' Mess (closed)" is limited to officers residing on
base. Therefore, I understood this message: During the holidays the
Commissioned Officers' Mess (open) will be closed. The Commissioned
Officers' Mess (closed) will be open. (Douglas Helsel)
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in
the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front
of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way
to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful
curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, &
knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he
got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That
does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!" (William
Brabant)
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a
little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of
almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps
him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She
repeats this gesture about eight times. He asks her why they do not eat
almonds themselves. Whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of
their old teeth. They are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?"
he asks puzzled. The old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around
them." (Daily Groaner)
And you though I was bad???????