Statistics
Posted: Fri May 21, 2004 6:01 pm
I love statistics.
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread
users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
bread-consuming households score below average on
standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has
been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be
used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more
bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease,
and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects
deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for
bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user
to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter,
and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead
to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with
complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all
the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors
(which may appeal to children) may be used to
promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread
users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
bread-consuming households score below average on
standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has
been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be
used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more
bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease,
and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects
deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for
bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user
to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter,
and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead
to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with
complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all
the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors
(which may appeal to children) may be used to
promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.