Statistics

[Studlover (imported)]

I love statistics.

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread

users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in

bread-consuming households score below average on

standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked

in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant

mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and

diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed

within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has

been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be

used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more

bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a

low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease,

and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects

deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for

bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user

to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter,

and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human

body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead

to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you

into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That

kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between

significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread

restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with

complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all

the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors

(which may appeal to children) may be used to

promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.