Damaged Souls

[Eunuchorn (imported)]

This is a excerpt from a thread reply by Cainanite. I had wanted to reply in the thread, but it had been closed down by the time I got around to reading it.

Cainanite had said:

In a just society, reformation should be part of their sentence. Do I personally think they deserve it. No. Once you harm a child, the damage can never be undone. Stolen property can be replaced, wounds can heal, but once you cross the line into reality, and destroy a child's innocence, that bell can never be un-rung. You've destroyed a person's identity and damaged their future. In my mind it is as vile as murder.

My additions:

What I would like to add is that Harm is not always physical. nor is always from the parents. Innocence can be destroyed at school. Your identity can be destroyed there as assuredly as at home. it's called Bullying. like a bell that can't be un-rung, a shattered psyche cannot always be repaired. Apologies can be made years later, but you are still the same person whether you receive them or not.

I love learning, but schools are where the taunting is, and I don't want that to get in the way of my education.

Some parts of this are better now, there is an awareness that bullying is out there, but it still goes on, and class warfare is still in effect even in high school.

Sometimes I wonder if my interest in Castration has some tie to this, but I am more of the opinion to blame Alex Haley. (one incidence in his book, Roots, where it almost happened to a slave)

[Cainanite (imported)]

I agree with you on this.

Psychological attacks can be just as devastating as physical ones.

For some of us, even possibly for myself, castration desires can develop from damaging psychological abuse. I had my fair share as a schoolboy who wasn't developing like the other boys.

Bullying and backhanded comments from adults can scar us for life. It certainly didn't cause me to dream of self castration any less, that is for sure.

I don't think I can lay my finger on just when the desire came to me. I remember being four or five, and wishing those useless, uncomfortable bits between my legs would disappear. The bullying and self hatred I experienced later on, certainly added to that wish.

I truly believe the eunuch desire is inborn. I believe I was made with this desire. The bullying and abuse I suffered later on compounded and confused the matter for me. The fact that my sexuality was damaged by a disease when I was twelve was incidental to the castration desire. I didn't know I was damaged for almost twenty five years. I simply thought I was a very late bloomer. I blamed myself for my effeminate manners.

The abuse I endured at the hands of others has also damaged me. Damaged my ability to trust. Damaged my feeling of self worth. Damaged my ability to reach out to others in a meaningful way.

I was never sexually abused, nor physically abused by an adult. I was abused by my peers. Mocked and made fun of. Put down by adults, and always picked last for everything.

I don't know for sure that the abuses I felt are the catalyst that drove me to where I am now. I do know that my castration desires have been with me a long time. I know they preceded the abuse and loss of sexual function. I also know I'd do anything to re-live my life free of bullying and put-downs. Along with that, I'd never wish to have a "normal" sex drive. I wouldn't wish to live as more masculine.

Abuse has many heads. One never truly heals. One can only move on. One breath at a time.

[tugon (imported)]

Thank you both for your posts. I share your pain and struggles. One thing I avoid today is trying to figure out who I might be today if incest, physical abuse and bullying had not happened. I try to focus on what is good about me today.

I remember not being comfortable as a boy before some of those negative events. I wonder if others knew I was different but no idea why. It took me years to figure it out. I was different and when people do not know how to respond I think they lash out. I was always odd person out in the family. I reached a point in life where it became easier for others to ignore me. At a family cookout they had steaks for everybody but me. Christmas gifts for everyone but me. Yes it was easier to pretend I was not present. Oh well I was getting too much attention at school.

Yes those feelings are always with you. The damage does create trust issues and the ability to bond. The best thing I have done for myself is rescue my dog. The consistent non judgmental affection is wonderful.