Colonoscopy

[Slammr (imported)]

If you've had one, you'll see the humor in this:

Colonoscopy

Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about

32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the

17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up

there?'

[Rusty Dai (imported)]

Thanks for the heads up. My doctor wants me to have one in the near future and I think he may have left something out.

Any idea what the going rate is on these things?

[gandalf (imported)]

I had one a year ago. when I woke up the Dr. told me that I would have to go for a followup barium enema. He said it was needed because his scope did not reach the end of my colon.

1. Either he needs a new scope or

2. I have a very long colon.

[Slammr (imported)]

Thanks for the heads up. My doctor wants me to have one in the near future and I think he may have left something out.

Any idea what the going rate is on these things?

My insurance, when I had mine, paid for it, so I'm not sure how much it cost, but for those with no insurance, sources on the Web say the going rate is an average of $3,081.

[Riverwind (imported)]

I had one of those about 6 years ago, the only difference I had was on table on my side and the nurse started shoving that hose up my .......... which to say was a bit unconvertible I told that bitch but she just kept shoving, finally she told me to roll over on my back and when I did this person who did not have the best table manners saw what was no longer there and I was out cold.

As the Dr. said pink and pretty.

River

Very funny story, only those of us who have had this procedure can relate to everything you said.

Thank you,

River

[coinflipper_21 (imported)]

I have had two of them. The first when I was 55. My insurance didn't want to pay for that one because according to their standards I was too young to start, but there was family history so they paid.

The second when I was 60. I awoke in the middle of that one and was looking at the monitor. Finally, I made some remark about correcting the color balance (used to have a video production company) which caused the gastric specialist to turn to the anesthesiologist with a terse, "Put him back out!"

They found and removed for examination 5 polyps. Three were of no particular concern, one slightly suspicious, and the last was definitely pre-cancerous, and would have been trouble in about three more years I had a little surgery (Laparoscopic, in and out in a day, no scars.) to remove the area around the pre-cancerous one just to be sure.

Colonoscopy? I'm a believer!

[Arab Nights (imported)]

$200-300 in Mexico. About $2500-3000 here. Mexico is rough and ready. I was not knocked out, just hopped up on the table, a large nurse spread my cheeks and the doctor started inserting.

[JesusA (imported)]

I just had my second colonoscopy this morning. The last one was five years ago and it ran almost exactly as Slammr described. For today’s version, I can vouch for the accuracy of SOME, but not all, of Slammr’s first post in this thread.

My doctor’s preparation of choice this time was FOUR pills of a very strong laxative (normal dose one pill) and a FOUR liter container of foul tasting liquid to flush out the system like a rusty radiator. Once the laxative began working, I was supposed to drink a 10 ounce glass of the cleaning fluid every fifteen minutes until it was gone. I think the elapsed time for each ten ounce glass – entry to exit – was about 10 minutes! This was followed by another two liters of regular water to make sure the pipes were all clean and spotless. I do know that I have no flow constrictions in the system.

When I talked with Paolo a couple of days before about my trepidation over the up-coming invasion of my body, his comment was, “That’s the problem with you straight guys. You’re always worried about somebody sticking something up there. You just need to relax and enjoy it….”

When I repeated Paolo’s line to the doctor, just before he was to begin the procedure, he, his assistant, and the anesthesiologist all got to laughing so hard that they had to wait a while until their hands were steady enough to proceed.

I had minimum pain killer, and no sedation. The screen was where I could see it easily and I had asked the doctor and his assistant to talk loudly enough so that I could hear everything.

It was fascinating getting a close up view of several feet of my innards. It was all a nice bright pink and there were no problems found. Contrary to Paolo’s assertion about straight men, I managed to relax through the procedure and I actually enjoyed seeing a part of me that I’d never seen before.

I’ll go back for my next tune up in five more years.

[speedvogel (imported)]

Jesus, our family gastroenterologist will not do a colonoscopy on me as I have no symptoms and at my age, it is no longer considered necessary by the best practices standards. I am the same age as you. Now if you have never shown a polyp, you probably should not have one in five years.

Speed

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

I had one of those about 6 years ago, the only difference I had was on table on my side and the nurse started shoving that hose up my .......... which to say was a bit unconvertible I told that bitch but she just kept shoving, finally she told me to roll over on my back and when I did this person who did not have the best table manners saw what was no longer there and I was out cold.

As the Dr. said pink and pretty.

River

Very funny story, only those of us who have had this procedure can relate to everything you said.

Thank you,

River

Traveling up Rivers colon has to be tantamount to exploring the Colorado River