I had to think quite a while before I decided to post this. I'm really confused about who I am. I still feel totally comfortable being a transgender person, but I'm wondering what this eunuch/androgynous female-leaning gender ID really means.

This is important now because I'll be seeing the gender clinic endocrinologist Monday, and that has me thinking really hard about what my desires are. I've talked about possibly taking some estrogen at a dosage lower than required for a male to female transition. This would be in part to help combat my osteoporosis.

I've never been able to imagine myself living in a woman's body. I don't think I've changed my thinking on that but I'm so damned confused today I'm not absolutely sure. I do not like being confused!

I've reported that I'm finding myself increasingly attracted to men and in ways I never felt when I identified as a gay man. Lately, I've been openly flirting with men. I never understood flirting before I started Androcur over 3 months ago and I didn't know how to do it. Now, it just seems to happen. I don't feel gay when I'm doing this but feminine.

I find myself wishing that a man would grab me up in his arms (and I mean hold me over the ground), kiss me passionately and then make love to me.

When I was in seventh grade, my teacher took me outside class for a talk. He told me that I needed to walk a different way to fit in as one of the boys. He gave a demonstration of proper walking for a guy. I know he meant well but ever since I've got a low level kind of background awareness of how I'm walking. If I don't feel my style is quite right, I'll modify it. I can't believe I've been making these adjustments for decades.

Yesterday, I found it very easy to abandon this masculine walk for a more feminine one and it felt comfortable and enjoyable. I was really getting into it from my hips on down.

I've mentioned in my blog a memory from when I was four or five. Despite my mother's pleading, I didn't want to run around outside in warm weather without a shirt. I said something to the effect that it's not OK for girls to go around without shirts so why was it OK for me. I never took my shirt off and in later years it was still a difficult thing for me.

I absolutely hated puberty and would shave off my body hair before high school physicals. For years, I wouldn't wear shorts and short-sleeved shirts because I didn't want people to see that hair.

Yesterday, I was having a terrific time shopping for nice jewelry and had no problem telling the woman at the store that it was for me and that I'm transgender.

Last night, I went out to dinner and wore a new necklace I bought yesterday, which was pretty feminine, and one other necklace, admittedly fairly feminine too, on the outside of my dress shirt. I flirted with the waiter quite naturally.

Over the last three months, I've been very happy with the effects of chemical castration and feeling 'not male' and more emotional besides. I haven't felt depressed. I somehow cannot see myself in a woman's body, but I feel what I interpret to be very feminine feelings.

Where does this leave me? With feelings like these can I still be considered as having a eunuch gender ID? If I take some estrogen am I still a eunuch? I find the idea of taking some estrogen more attractive than having any level of testosterone replacement after castration. The problem with all this is that perhaps my feelings will change over time. I'll work through all this just like everything else. I made an extra appointment with my gender therapist for tomorrow afternoon. I want to talk with her again before seeing the endocrinologist next week.

This evening I am feeling a little depressed but I think it's temporary and will be gone by the morning. I made the mistake of taking a mood stabilizer last night that leaves me out of it and kind of more in a daze than is typical for me. Very foolish of me. I was feeling a little manic and should have waited until this morning and called the shrink. My psychiatrist has agreed to try a different drug when I next need it.

The most important things of all are site-related. Will I be disbarred from the Archive if I take some estrogen? Will members be saying, there goes that person who used to be male, then a eunuch (and one of us) and now who knows what?

Writing this has helped me gain some perspective. Time to soak in the tub and finish reading 'Cry to Heaven'.

-Danya

While I soaked in the tub, I was wondering why I was feeling even a little depression. I thought the mood stabilizer played some role but really couldn't be the whole explanation.

What I left out of the original post here was the hour-long phone call I had last night with a guy who likes dating transgender woman. He found me on a dating site where I was very clear I was not male 2 female, but something androgynous in between. He was still very interested and has persisted in trying to talk, which we finally did.

I was amazed at how feminine I felt as he spoke to me. Of course, he's done this before with other girls and was feeding me a line. Still, it fed into something and I was very aroused. As in hard, as in erect (lest there be any doubt since I've been on Androcur since Nov 2, 2007) for nearly the entire time we spoke. I wanted him to be the male, take charge and make love to me. He wants to come over. I told him that if I allow that, we'll meet in public first and I will let some friends know he is with me. On the one hand, I really want him to visit. OTOH, I'm a little afraid of allowing it. Once I make up my mind on how to handle this, I'll feel better.

This is what caused me further confusion today. The increasing feelings of sexuality, in a very different way than I've ever experienced, despite being on Androcur. The feelings of feminity. I just hadn't thought anything like this would happen when I began this adventure at the start of November.

My reaction to being chemically castrated is turning out to be much more complex than I would have imagined.

-Danya

Hummm.... more pondering... Well I would say its worth sending a post to Jesus and ask if its ok to talk to Prof W. He was very male but had prostate issues and needed to undergo some form of castration. He also went on Estrogen to make life easier and reported some modifications to his wiring. Talk to him and others who have tried castration with Estrogen. I "think" it changes you.

I know this is not a popular idea for many but I truly think Hormones do more to wire how we "are" then we give them credit. Having swooped back and forth between low and high Testosterone (and Estrogen) I know how it makes me feel. And I've then had hormone labs that verify this.

I admit feeling so different on adult levels of Testosterone that I almost backed out. I felt a little like Mr Spock turning into Horny Capt Kirk and it was kind of overwhelming for a short time. The thing is this. After I got over my short second puberty I liked how I was. Not perfect but clearly better. If I were in your shoes I would have a good sit down with the Gender Therapist and maybe set some kind of goals for what I wanted Estrogen to do for me and what I didn't want it to do and ask is this going to be right? Then, assuming I went on Estrogen I would start a Diary of my experience and see if it was mapping onto what I had for expectations and so on.

Make sense?

Anyway I think you will want to ponder this fully. I don't think anyone (who is not a jerk) is going to berate you no matter what you decide. We have our share of TS folks that we know and love and purists who are all Eunuch all the time and weirdos like me that are what? Medical castrates that want to be all male?? Anyway if "I" can stay here and be a part of this zoo why not you?

MrT, old buddy,

You offer some excellent advice and I really appreciate it. I also agree!

I'm not taking the idea of using estrogen, in any amount, lightly. The whole of idea of it was making me a little anxious last night. That's a healthy reaction, whether or not it winds up being the right thing for me to do.

I will approach Jesus about the possibility of emailing or speaking with Richard Wassersug. It's possible he may be a really private person and not want to speak with individuals. Or he may simply be too busy. He's been very open about his experiences in published articles. I admire Richard for helping to raise awareness of the plight of prostate cancer eunuchs. He's done that in a very sensitive way while telling his own story.

Today's visit with my gender therapist when very well. Part of the reason I made the appointment was that I wanted to get clear on something I thought she was saying on the last visit. I don't remember exactly what she said now but we were very clear that we understood each other at the end of today's visit.

She told me that I was free to explore my gender in any way I choose as far as hormones goes. I sort of knew that already from her report on my psychological fitness. The technical nature of her report still left me wondering a little about what her conclusion meant, despite the fact that it was plainly stated. It was good to hear in in plain English today.

It may have sounded, to some, like I was totally joking about still being welcome on the Archive if I go in a direction other than 'pure' eunuch. I was trying to make it light-hearted but this really is a concern for me.

The sense of community here and the caring and support that go with it are very important to me. I don't want to lose them.

-Danya

Todd

After much research on the Internet, I think I have discovered your true identity..or at least who you were.

You were, at one time in the past, the leader of a small planet. You were Emperor Todd Spengo and you ruled for several years before being deposed by stupid barbarians led by an earthman.

Hollywood even made a movie about entitled, "Mom and Dad Save the World."

Well then I want to add that I have few to no exceptions been made to feel welcome here when I still had "real" testes. I had an amazing time at last years MOM when I was still hefting my original pair (or was I half snipped? - when was the MOM?) anyway it didn't matter. Everyone was great. The only negative thing anyone said was that I wasn't black... Ok! I'm still working on that!

Anyway its a supportive group as far as I could tell so I would not give it a second thought. And btw if there are some people who are jack asses? Sister K has the right idea. Piss on em or "F" em...

If I booted all estrogen bestowed individuals from this site, there would be no site inasmuch as we ALL have some in us. The only question is how much, and I really could not give shit.

This week I am principally banning left-handed wankers who beat off ambidextrously while whistling dixie backwards. Got it? Good!

Mac,

Was this small planet at least a bit larger than the demoted Pluto? I've always felt I had a bit of royal flair about me , btw.

I need to sue for some of the royalties from the movie! Then I can retire as the now Empress Danya Spengo to my palace in Tahiti.

I always appreciate your humor and this post had me chuckling for quite some time.

-Danya

Yo Kristoff,

I would agree that '

kristoff wrote: Sat Feb 09, 2008 9:01 pm left-handed wankers who beat off ambidextrously

' are damned annoying and, even worse, embarassing to those of us with less well-developed wanking talent. Certainly, being able to simultaneously whistle Dixie backwards should earn them a place in front of a firing squad!

Thanks for your comments, pal.

-Danya

kristoff wrote: Sat Feb 09, 2008 9:01 pm If I booted all estrogen bestowed individuals from this site, there would be no site inasmuch as we ALL have some in us. The only question is how much, and I really could not give shit.

This week I am principally banning left-handed wankers who beat off ambidextrously while whistling dixie backwards. Got it? Good!

As your boss, I hereby officially prohibit you from singling me out for banning. Do you hear that?

Geez.... the nerve of some people.