This is important now because I'll be seeing the gender clinic endocrinologist Monday, and that has me thinking really hard about what my desires are. I've talked about possibly taking some estrogen at a dosage lower than required for a male to female transition. This would be in part to help combat my osteoporosis.
I've never been able to imagine myself living in a woman's body. I don't think I've changed my thinking on that but I'm so damned confused today I'm not absolutely sure. I do not like being confused!
I've reported that I'm finding myself increasingly attracted to men and in ways I never felt when I identified as a gay man. Lately, I've been openly flirting with men. I never understood flirting before I started Androcur over 3 months ago and I didn't know how to do it. Now, it just seems to happen. I don't feel gay when I'm doing this but feminine.
I find myself wishing that a man would grab me up in his arms (and I mean hold me over the ground), kiss me passionately and then make love to me.
When I was in seventh grade, my teacher took me outside class for a talk. He told me that I needed to walk a different way to fit in as one of the boys. He gave a demonstration of proper walking for a guy. I know he meant well but ever since I've got a low level kind of background awareness of how I'm walking. If I don't feel my style is quite right, I'll modify it. I can't believe I've been making these adjustments for decades.
Yesterday, I found it very easy to abandon this masculine walk for a more feminine one and it felt comfortable and enjoyable. I was really getting into it from my hips on down.
I've mentioned in my blog a memory from when I was four or five. Despite my mother's pleading, I didn't want to run around outside in warm weather without a shirt. I said something to the effect that it's not OK for girls to go around without shirts so why was it OK for me. I never took my shirt off and in later years it was still a difficult thing for me.
I absolutely hated puberty and would shave off my body hair before high school physicals. For years, I wouldn't wear shorts and short-sleeved shirts because I didn't want people to see that hair.
Yesterday, I was having a terrific time shopping for nice jewelry and had no problem telling the woman at the store that it was for me and that I'm transgender.
Last night, I went out to dinner and wore a new necklace I bought yesterday, which was pretty feminine, and one other necklace, admittedly fairly feminine too, on the outside of my dress shirt. I flirted with the waiter quite naturally.
Over the last three months, I've been very happy with the effects of chemical castration and feeling 'not male' and more emotional besides. I haven't felt depressed. I somehow cannot see myself in a woman's body, but I feel what I interpret to be very feminine feelings.
Where does this leave me? With feelings like these can I still be considered as having a eunuch gender ID? If I take some estrogen am I still a eunuch? I find the idea of taking some estrogen more attractive than having any level of testosterone replacement after castration. The problem with all this is that perhaps my feelings will change over time. I'll work through all this just like everything else. I made an extra appointment with my gender therapist for tomorrow afternoon. I want to talk with her again before seeing the endocrinologist next week.
This evening I am feeling a little depressed but I think it's temporary and will be gone by the morning. I made the mistake of taking a mood stabilizer last night that leaves me out of it and kind of more in a daze than is typical for me.
Very foolish of me. I was feeling a little manic and should have waited until this morning and called the shrink. My psychiatrist has agreed to try a different drug when I next need it.The most important things of all are site-related. Will I be disbarred from the Archive if I take some estrogen?
Will members be saying, there goes that person who used to be male, then a eunuch (and one of us) and now who knows what? Writing this has helped me gain some perspective. Time to soak in the tub and finish reading 'Cry to Heaven'.
-Danya
Ok! I'm still working on that! 
, btw.