-Jay Leno
"Right about now, John McCain is at home, saying, if only I didn't anger Dave, if only I didn't anger Dave. And Obama believes that the election results gave him a mandate. A mandate, that is what got that Senator Larry Craig in trouble, wasn't it?"
-David Letterman
"Hey, did you get a lot of those robo-calls over the weekend? Those stupid things. I got one from Governor Schwarzenegger. Then again, isn't every call from Arnold Schwarzenegger a robo-call, really?"
-Jay Leno
"I get this feeling that the country's starting to come together. And actually, it was borne out today in the newspaper. Yesterday, apparently, First Lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Isn't that nice? And Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, 'While I give you a tour, the girls can watch 'Spongebob' with the president.'"
-Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples."
-Jay Leno
"Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska."
-Conan O'Brien
"See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden."
-Jay Leno
"One good thing did come out of this for Joe the plumber. He's branched out into heating and air conditioning."
-David Letterman
"Hey, did I call it or what? Six months ago I predicted Ralph Nader would come in third. Did I call it?"
-Jay Leno
"Late last night, Sen. Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of these United States. And even if you are a Republican or a member of one of the small crazy people parties, you could find something to be happy about, whether it's that we have our first-ever African-American president or even that we have our first vice president with hair plugs."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"And of course the big mantra was 'Yes, we can!' Unless you're a gay couple in California, then it's, 'No, you can't.'"
-Jay Leno