-Craig Ferguson
"John McCain mentions Joe the Plumber so much, I am afraid he is addicted to crack [on screen: photo of a plumber's backside]." And now, the McCain-Palin campaign is spread spreading the love to all the middle class [on screen: McCain and Palin mentioning 'Ed the dairy man,' 'Rose the teacher,' 'Phil the bricklayer,' 'Molly the dental hygienist,' and 'Chuck the teacher']. I believe they went on to single out Bob the Builder, Dora the Explorer, and Thomas the Tank Engine. A key demographic. The only person McCain's not talking about is George the President"
-Stephen Colbert
Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family, representing small-town, common-folk hockey moms everywhere. Thats a lot of money, especially since shes shooting all those animals. Isnt she making pelts out of all of them for clothes?
-Jimmy Kimmel
She told a bunch of third graders yesterday that the vice president runs the Senate . . . which of course, the vice president does not do. Even President Bush will tell you the vice president doesnt run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Of course, there's only one thing on everyones mind right now . . . the country is divided . . . thats right Madonnas divorce. Its sad. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are a great couple. Madonna gave him the best years of her life, and he gave her an English accent.
-Craig Ferguson
Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you're the richest man on earth."
-Amy Poehler
The only reason Obama got this endorsement is because Colin Powell is black. Also, the only reason Admiral John Nathman, Brigadier-General James Smith, Four-star General Merrill McPeak and 20 other military leaders have endorsed Obama, is because Colin Powell is black."
-Stephen Colbert
John Kerry is being criticized for making a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. Knock it off, Kerry. I tell the McCain diaper jokes! Stick to losing elections to the least-popular president ever in the history of America.
-Craig Ferguson
"Well, actually, Joe the plumber, not his real name. Actually, his full name, Joe Hussein the plumber."
-Jay Leno
Joe Biden is turning out to be quite a character. He says whatever is floating around in his head. On Sunday, at a rally, a local baseball team gave him his own uniform, No. 21. He said, No. 21 reminds me of the most famous number in all of college sports No. 44. How does 21 remind him of 44? In that theyre both numbers?
-Jimmy Kimmel
Newark, New Jersey's, Catholic Archbishop is upset that part of Bill Maher's new movie, 'Religulous,' was filmed at his parish, but not as upset as he was the day the Lord chose him to be Archbishop of Newark."
-Seth Meyers
Colin Powell is in the news, of course, because he endorsed Barack Obama. Wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He is probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems.
-Craig Ferguson
But apparently this is John McCain's hail mary. You know, he had to do something, because he was way behind, and this was it. Bringing out this 'every man.' This Joe the plumber, who apparently was on the verge of owning his own plumbing business, which would then be taxed by Obama, and prevent Joe from, as McCain said, living the American dream. Oh yes, I'm snaking out a septic tank, pinch me!"
-Bill Maher
