Family - how to tell them about transgender-eunuch ID? How much to say in first note?

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Yoli,

Your comments mean a lot to me, in part because I don't always feel that I'm strong. Mostly I feel like I'm simply doing what I need to do and it's not always easy by any means. Considering everything that's gone on in my life since I started chemical castration in early November, though I realize what a long way I've come. A lot of that progress has been made easier by the great support of people like you and a number of others on the Archive. OK..now I'm crying. It's that low T thing. The truth is, I'm incredibly happy right now. For those who know some of my other posts, this is not the result of a manic episode!

I think it's terrific you were able to discuss your interests and situation with your sister. The fact that she was non-judgemental says a lot about her love for you and her understanding.

BTW, I am a huge fan of your posts! Back when I started all this and thought I was male to eunuch, I was wishing I could be a eunuch pet for someone like you, although possibly your male twin Your posts are always entertaining.

The thing with my California brother is I didn't think he'd be able to talk about this for many months. Instead, he calls after less than a month and we have one of the best talks of our lives. There were a few things I wish he would have stated out right, like he loves and supports me. Saying he loves anyone in the family is something that doesn't come easily to him, though.

I'd also told him I was sorry for anything I did to contribute to our estrangement. He responded that he forgave me. Very nice, but nicer still would have been if he'd also said he was sorry. I suppose in a round about way he said that. Considering who he is, though, I really can be nothing but very pleased with our conversation.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya,

I much admire your courage. I can only imagine the trepidation you must have felt when you sent "The Message". I doubt I'd have had the ovaries to do it.

For me, revealing my "Castration Fascination" and my bisexuality to my much-trusted sister was truly an exercise in fear and apprehension. She was a bit taken aback, but was NOT judgmental. In fact, she occasionally asks me for details.

The best part of it all was her pledge of silence so far as the rest of my family goes. She knows that discovering that one of their daughters is bisexual would shake Mom and Dad (not to mention Grandparents) to the core. Learning of my little koven of castration-interested fellow females and my intimate relationship with a eunuch would send them over the edge. The other intimate relationship, that being with a married couple, would not be a welcome revelation either.

Thanks for sharing your ongoing story. You are a strong person.

Best wishes,

Yoli

That Semi-Sane Girl in San Antonio

[Danya (imported)]

I got very upset Sunday evening when my California brother called and seemed to be hung up on the 'strangeness' of everything I'm going through as a transgender female. We had a great initial phone call weeks before, in fact the best conversation we'd ever had.

Sunday, though, it seemed as if we would never progress beyond how strange all this seems. That, unfortunately, set off emotions from my childhood when I never fit in and it was plainly indicated to me that my feeling different from the other boys wasn't at all acceptable, etc., etc. Enough about that. For those who are perversely interested in all of my emotional whining about this, you can check out my blog

After some conversations with some good friends from the Archive and feeling like I helped another this afternooon just by listening, I've returned to my senses. I'm operating on the assumption that things will work out with my family (now down to two brothers, a sister-in-law, a niece and a nephew) to the extent that each is willing to grow. I can't expect anything else. If there's little growth, so be it and our conversations are likely to become fewer than they've ever been. We've never spoken very frequently, once going nearly 2 years conversation-free! It's generally been the case that if I don't call or write (and I used to do that frequently), I won't hear from them.

It remains important to me that they learn to love the emerging truth of who I am. I am hopeful that this will happen. Nonetheless, if that doesn't I will be fine.

I'm sharing here an email I sent to my sister-in-law tonight (the names have been changed for everyone's privacy):

Dear Sally,

I’ve had two good conversations with Dave about all of this gender business and I suspect he’s shared most of what I’ve said with you, which is of course fine. So I won’t try to repeat what I’ve told him.

I’ll be visiting him soon, leaving Thursday evening April 17 and returning Sunday April 20. This will probably be my last trip anywhere for about two years, possibly more because everything I’m doing adds up to a lot of money, probably at least $30,000 if not more.

I’d think some or all of you may be going through some emotions over all of this. Such things as anger, denial, sadness are common. Or for Dave just feeling this is all very strange. That’s what I felt for a while myself.

I want to suggest a book that may help. I got it from Amazon.com for a friend who was concerned she’d lose my friendship and also that I was gaining some new friends that would replace her. I was really surprised that she (whom I refer to elsewhere as MLF #1) felt this way since we regularly tell each other ‘I love you’ and mean it. I really shouldn’t have been surprised, though. She read the book, had lots of probing questions, and it has helped her. I expect the relationships I’ve got to get even better because I am much happier and I’m being myself at last. The core of who I am isn’t changing at all, it’s just being fully expressed. It’s too bad the book was published in 1996 as some of the information is outdated.

At any rate, if you’re interested, here’s the book info:

“True Selves – Understanding Transsexualism for Families, Friends, Coworkers and Helping Professionals” by Mildred L. Brown & Chloe Ann Rounsley, published in 1996 so it doesn’t contain all the latest thinking or terminology.

Many today, among them some professionals, don’t like the term transsexual because this is much less about sex than it is about gender and they prefer to view this as one expression of transgender. Gender is who we feel we are in our souls, at our core and in our spirits and can be totally independent of our sex (that is physical plumbing).

Much Love,

Me

[joanne-f (imported)]

The problem I've had with the terms "transgender" and "transsexual" is that I've found that some people tend to have their own definitions for each term so if someone uses the word "transgender" to me I sometimes have to ask them what do you mean by that?

I remember when I first began dealing with my transgender issues I went and blabbed about to everyone I knew. After a while I stopped myself and thought did I really have to tell all those people? Now I'm a bit more selective. My brother and sister know but I'm not sure what to tell my cousins or aunts and uncles. I thought one day I would just turn up to a family gathering as a woman. They probably wouldn't even notice.

When I first told my Dad, he buried his head in his hands and said: "I was afraid you were going to say that". That hit me pretty hard at the time.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Joanne,

I agree, if someone uses 'transgender' I may have to ask for clarification if I want to know where they consider themselves on the continuum from from male to female. I think it's a very good term in general, though, for someone whose gender presentation and/or core feelings don't exactly match with their sex.

Beyond my two brothers, sister-in-law, niece and nephew I have no one I really consider family. My parents and all aunts and uncles are dead. There are cousins but I haven't seen any of them in decades. A long time ago we moved far apart. I absolutely know if someday I turn up at a family gathering as a woman, they will notice

I have disclosed who I am to about 25 people at work where everyone, without exception, has been understanding and supportive. I'm fortunate to work at a very progressive company. It is possible some of the people will become less supportive when faced with the reality of my female presentation for the first time. I've also told friends outside of work and at my church. My church is very accepting of all kinds of people and is about 34 % GLBT.

My therapist has thought it very healthy that I have disclosed to all these people. The director of my division at work has commented that the fact that I am so comfortable and confident with who I am makes it easy for others to accept and support me. Besides, she's seen a full-length shot of me and likes my legs!

Upper management at work is extremely supportive and it's my intention to start presenting as a woman there on Monday, May 19. Someone from HR is working with my therapist to get resources to help this process go as smoothly as possible for everyone.

I have no doubt that I will run across some individuals at work and other places who will not be very understanding at all. At least at work, the company will support me.

I hadn't anticipated that my family's reaction would be quite so important to me, though. I am certain if my parents were alive disclosing would be much more difficult for me emotionally.

[joanne-f (imported)]

Upper management at work is extremely supportive and it's my intention to start presenting as a woman there on Monday, May 19. Someone from HR is working with my therapist to get resources to help this process go as smoothly as possible for everyone.

I have no doubt that I will run across some individuals at work and other places who will not be very understanding at all. At least at work, the company will support me.

I h

ope it all goes well. It will be a big day for you so I hope everything runs smoothly. Do you know what you're hoping for? Will it be good if it's just everyone carrying on as normal at your work, or do you expect/hope that people might ask you questions for their clarification?

[_g (imported)]

Danya,

I wish you well on your journey, but remember your family and friends are on the same boat, some of your friends and family may get off the boat. But like it or not you have done all you can and they have to come to terms with the changes on their own time. Some may never and others will given time. Even in the best times the journey you are taking is unmapped, and I hope your friends old and new will help you through your journey.

[Danya (imported)]

Joanne,

I will answer your question in greater detail another evening as it's late now. This is a complex situation and I expect May 19 will at a minimum start out as stressful. I expect I will start to feel relaxed within an hour or two of arriving at work that day. I'm very open to anyone asking me appropriate questions and I've always been completely comfortable talking with even total strangers about what I'm doing.

-Danya

[Danya (imported)]

-g,

Your good wishes mean a lot to me and I thank you!

I think you may have ESP or have secretly observed me quite a while Or maybe I'm just more transparent in my posts than I realize! I do have a tendency to keep thinking I can do more to bring people around to my point of view. You are absolutely correct, though, in that I have done all I can. Accepting that fact is important to my sense of well-being.

I am fortunate in having a lot of support from many people on the Archive and it continues to amaze me what a great place this is. I also have significant 'real time' support from several very good friends at work and outside the office.

I've also got a lot of people in my corner at my extremely welcoming Lutheran congregation. It's got an international reputation as a resource on how to advance GLBT rights and has been threatened with expulsion from the national body. I know this is hard for many to believe and I don't blame them at all because I feel really uncomfortable at nearly all churches. Like the one where I substituted as organist tonight - another post perhaps. At any rate, my congregation is 34% GLBT and is very welcoming, without reservation, of all minorities. There are currently several trans folks attending there. I didn't mean for this to turn into a long description of my congregation . I'm just irritated by the reception I received at this other so-called Christian church this evening.

So I do have a lot of people both here and elsewhere who care about me and absolutely support me. I am really fortunate.

I appreciate your writing.

-Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Joanne,

I'm going to start a new thread in the gay, bi and TG section to talk about my experience transitioning at work. I'll answer your questions there.

-Danya