Men/Women

[noxmagnus (imported)]

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa in the late 1800s, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America in the mid 1900s, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India in the early 1900s, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France in the late 1900s. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia in the early 2000s, lost the war -- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia in the late 1900s, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia in the mid 1900s, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan is now: most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq in the late 1900s -- ruled by a dick.

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Why Men Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist pig. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If you're totally beat after a hard day, you don't give a damn about other people's needs. If she's totally beat after a hard day, she's tired.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be "someone else".

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Worst Dating Pick-up Lines

A British dating site asked its female members to tell them the worst pick-up lines they've ever heard. Here are the top 30. Hard to believe there are guys out there who would try such lines, but a reporter from the Sun tabloid went up to good-looking women on the street and tried them, getting reactions ranging from "Aw, that's so sweet and very cute." to "F--k off!" (Guys don't really introduce themselves as "Bond -- James Bond" and expect the same reaction the fictional character gets in the movies, do they?!)

1. I'm here. What were your other two wishes?

2. Do you believe in love at first sight -� or should I walk by again?

3. Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?

4. That dress would look great �- on my bedroom floor.

5. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I could make your Bedrock

6. I seem to have lost my telephone number, may I borrow yours?

7. Get your coat, you've pulled.

8. Here's 20 [cents]. Call your mum and tell her you won't be home tonight.

9. If you think you'll regret it in the morning, we could sleep until afternoon.

10. Is it hot in here or is it you?

11. Does God know you've escaped from heaven?

12. I think I've seen you on the cover of Playboy.

13. I'm new around here. Could you direct me to your flat?

14. If I could arrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.

15. There's something wrong with my eyes �- I can't taken them off you.

16. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

17. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day.

18. Do you sleep on your stomach or can I?

19. You must be tired. You've been running through my mind all evening.

20. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this.

21. You look like someone I know.

22. Do you come here often?

23. Drink up -� you've pulled.

24. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [To this one, the Sun reporter added, "fertilised or unfertilised?"]

25. I feel like Richard Gere because I'm standing next to the Pretty Woman.

26. You're great at fishing because you've caught me -� hook, line and sinker.

27. Bond. James Bond.

28. You look so good I could drink your bath water.

29. Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

30. If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

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Man: Haven't we met before?

Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

Woman: It's in the phone book.

Man: But I don't know your name.

Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?

Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: I'd really like to get into your pants.

Woman: No thanks. There's already one ass in there.

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.

Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!

Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!

and...

Man: "Hi, I'm a millionaire!"

Woman: "Hi, I work for the IRS."

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1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a good job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

And...

5. Its very, very important that these four women don't ever find out about each other.

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Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are too.

The Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer that all you do in the Marines before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad -- there's warm water.

A Marine Corps breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

As Marines we're expected to go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sargeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sargeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bullseye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ol' bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Tammy Gail

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The Problem with Being a Woman

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money, think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are so shy they never make the first move.

The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

And yet, women are thought of as the "confusing sex"?

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# Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks and, upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

# Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

# Women do not want an honest answer to the question, "How do I look?"

# The first naked man women see is "Ken" -- and that colors their expectations for the rest of their lives.

# Only women understand the reason for "the good china."

# Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

# Women love to shop because it's the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

# Women will always ask questions that have no right answer -- it's an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

# Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them is enough to fulfill that emotional need.

# Women think all beer is the same.

# Whereas men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality, women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

[twaddler (imported)]

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In Her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, How many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, Mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible! but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, Dear - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[noxmagnus (imported)]

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In Her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, How many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, Mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible! but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, Dear - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

hehe, pwned