Here goes:
Now that the truth is out, it is time to look at the REAL history of my gender issues. I had none until I was 19. How did they start? When I decided to visit a TG website.
Keep in mind that during this time I was very depressed and isolated. Also keep in mind that I have always had a strong feminine side, too strong at times. Those who know me have complained about it my entire life.
Somehow, all of these factors combined to make me wonder if the reason I was unhappy is because I wanted to be a girl. I saw the stories of those on the website, and I saw how much fun they were having with transition. I convinced myself that I too would have fun and be happy if I became a girl.
I told myself that the reason I was so feminine all of my life is because I was really a girl. I began looking back to various times in my childhood and making it so that gender issues could explain each one of them. I was able to convince myself that I had always felt this way from early childhood and that made me a true TS.
In reality, I never felt this way until I saw the website. The things I experienced as a kid can easily be explained by so much else. I was shy and sensitive as a child, but that doesn't mean I had gender issues. I was lonely and unhappy as a child, but so much else can explain that. I didn't fit in with my peers, but that too is explainable by many other things.
Unlike a true TS, I was never in denial. From the moment I considered the possibility of me having gender issues, I jumped on the thought and was anxious to move through the process. I did not want to see a therapist or talk to anyone - I just wanted to take the hormones and feel better.
I didn't know a whole lot about passing then, or even about what makes us able to tell the difference between men and women. I later learned it is primarily the face. I looked at mine and told myself it wasn't that bad and I would be fine. I thought that after a few months on the hormones I would look unmistakeably female.
Granted, there are some TGs whose face really is not bad and they can pass easily after a short time on mones. But I wasn't one of them. The first gender therapist I went to woke me up when she pointed out I have a very strong jawline and would probably need it worked on to pass. I was in denial about my face until that point, but as soon as I accepted the truth, I became very depressed about it. My face and getting it fixed was all I could think about (I'm sure many of us remember how depressing I was during that time
).When that same therapist declined to give me a letter for hormones because of depression, I quit going to her and decided I would DIY transition. I found out about castration through Sherry's website and also the contact info for Kimmel. I later discovered the EA and got information here. I was convinced by her website that castration is a good first step and made plans to have it done soon. I called Kimmel when I was ready and went through with it.
Recovery was reasonable, minus a couple of problems that came up. I already mentioned the lesbian couple in another thread.
I joined the EA a couple weeks later, and I've been writing in about what's happened since then. I went on estrogen DIY about 3 weeks after surgery. At first I did patches, then pills, then shots. I was still obsessed with fixing my face. I took a 6 week break from estrogen in December until February. I quit estrogen for good over the Summer when I started to realize I was not TG. I took T for a little while, and recently quit that too. I am now on nothing and just starting the journey into true eunuchdom.
I don't know what made realize I am not female, but it's just something I know. I wish I had not started estrogen because I am left with some mild breast development I have to hide.
I don't know what will happen next, but I plan to document it here as it happens. I am working to accept the choices I have made and learn how to best move forward from here.