Call The White House

[Studlover (imported)]

Thank you for calling the White House...

Subject: Thank you for calling the White House...

"Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice

activated system will help direct you to the proper office."

"If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in

Iraq , press one."

"If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the

White House's endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name

of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note

for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE,

not Abu grahb)."

"If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American

citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these

calls will be recorded."

"If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of

the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be

directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for

more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and

send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a

prompt reply within one year."

"If you are calling regarding the administration's unwillingness to

enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks

to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we

like

cheap labor that can't vote and where you may be able to find willing

illegal day laborers in your local area."

"If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private

line * it is always open."

"If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please

press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed

directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that

your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer

get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy."

"If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent

hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you

are

Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your

administration, in which case we don't want to hear about it."

"If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts to

block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease

that

you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through

scientific research. If you are a scientist calling with new research

findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don't want to

hear from you."

"If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our

efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you

are

a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk

without

first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit

your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611."

"If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to

"privatize" social security, please press 1 and then the pound key,

and

your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who

will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock

market."

"If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools

or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 10 and Reverend

Falwell will be with you shortly."

"If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will

block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line and the

President will be with you immediately."

"If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press

*1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a

million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per

year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you

are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain

that

all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of

years.

If you voted for President Bush and are now concerned that over 12% of

the U.S. population now falls below the poverty line while the top 1%

has wildly increased their wealth, please understand that we are not

laughing AT you*"

"Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.

Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve

you."