First-time nerves

[HairyHarry (imported)]

A new priest was preparing to celebrate his first mass.

So he asked the monsignor how to avoid first-time nerves.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There were 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me”.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God".

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s.

[Robby (imported)]

A new priest was preparing to celebrate his first mass.

So he asked the monsignor how to avoid first-time nerves.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

...

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it, for it is my body.

” He did not say, “Eat me”.

...

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter

’s, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s.

I just love this stuff!!!

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