If Israel bought Microsoft...

[Studlover (imported)]

If Israel bought Microsoft...

1) The next version of Windows would be named Windows 2005; Eh, maybe

2006; Would you settle for Windows 2007?

2) Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.

3) All monitors running Windows would have long curly side-burns.

4) The Microsoft web site would be backlogged from people trying to

download the "Golda Meir Centerfold" theme pack.

5) Woody Allen would be made Vice President of the "Children's

Software" division.

6) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC

would get "Verklemmt".

7) No changes in the legal department.

8) When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is

Schtopped" message.

9) Hannukah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".

10) Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

11) Jerry Seinfeld-CEO

12) The phone support department would now feel very guilty about

leaving you "on hold" for 20 minutes.

13) Internet Explorer would still "browse" the internet, but would be

able to negotiate faster bandwidth.

14) CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high

compression DVB's (digital video bagels).

15) Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not

getting any younger] button.

16) "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already-

your killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear that".

17) When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you

would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toucass".

18) Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music

already"

19) During passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened

floppies".

20) Bill Gates official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man".

21) "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".

22) Microsoft Office would include "A little bit of this, and a little

bit of that".

23) When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I

should fix this?" message.

24) Error messages would become a lot funnier.

25) When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a

loud "Oy!!!"

26) "Third Party Drivers" would now be referred to as "Gentile

Drivers".

27) "Monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would be included in

with all video games. This would get rid of the "schmootz" on your

monitor.

28) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy" ("to

sleep", for all you non-Yiddish speaking people).

29) Your spell checker will now accept "Shiksa" as word.

30) "Windows 98 Plus" to be renamed "Windows with the Whole Schmeer".

31) Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

32) Solitaire would be replaced with online "Bingo".

33) Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.

34) Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the

upper right corner.

35) After your computer dies, you would need to wait 3 days before

desposing of it.

36) The "Microsoft Network" would be renamed to "Mahshuguna Net" or

"The Knish Knetwork".

37) Browser "cookies" would become "macaroons".

38) Microsoft wouldn't become any better at programming "sports"

games, but they would be able to handicap the games better.

39) There would always be a "synagogue" icon near the "network

neighborhood" icon.

40) 56,000 bps matzahs.

41) Dr. Watson would become a certified Rabbi.

42) You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.

43) Java scripts with some real Schmaltz.

44) Windows certified "100% pork free".

45) "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.

46) 2 words: Virtual Spielberg

47) Programs that "Hava na 'run' na 'run'".

48) Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee

is replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)

49) The Vatican counters with a hostile takeover of Netscape.

50) New beta versions of Windows dubbed "Brooklyn", "Miami", and "Tel

Aviv".