insight into castration fixation

[guy26 (imported)]

I am currently seeking counseling for occasionally putting myself at risk of hurting myself when my sex drive gets out of control. I wrote a letter in response to one of my more recent visits. I think what I have to say may be helpful to other people and give them insight into their own fixation on castration because of an excessive sex drive.

You are more than welcome to comment on anything that I say or ask me any questions that you might have. I am very open and honest about things.

Have faith and read to the end. It will all make sense. You might also like to know that I'm 26 years old.

----

I was really irritated with our last session. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it seemed like you were over simplifying things and some how I wasn't articulating my thoughts. A basic premise was put forward. If I could ensure I don't reach a certain level of sexual excitement, then I could avoid doing stupid and dangerous stuff. You wanted to perform risk mitigation to help ensure this.

If it were merely that simple, I'm intelligent enough that I would have figured out how to avoid this problem a long time ago. I have tried to ensure that it doesn't happen many many times, but it has turned into a game of chess against myself. And I have a tendency at the time to change the rules and ensure the wrong side wins.

You asked me to think about anything in common that occurs before or during episodes of doing stupid and crazy stuff. I just realized something that should have been obvious. Always a few days or a week or two before stuff happens, I begin to get really frustrated and irritated by my high sex drive. By that time I am being driven crazy by always being "driven" and distracted. It feels as if nothing else is important in life, I can't get anything done at work, and I just want it to stop and go away.

The more I think about it, there are lots of times where I have been just as sexually excited and not done anything outside of the norm. There is definitely more to this problem than just reaching a certain threshold of sexual excitement. I think what unfolds, goes something like this. I begin to feel more driven and it begins to eat at me. My high sex drive is no longer fun, but becomes frustrating and irritating. It's like it won't leave me alone. Fantasies of castration become stronger because it seems like a way to control my out of control sex drive--with HRT I could choose what felt right. Ironically, these same fantasies begin to fuel an even greater level of sexual excitement. Next, with a lot of frustration and an exceptional level of sexual excitement, I have a strong tendency to seek fetishes that inflict pain or have a tinge of danger or excitement to them. The things I do are almost never premeditated and I never fantasize about them before hand. My creativity and knowledge become a disadvantage as they give way to all kinds of possibilities. It also doesn't help that usually one very exceptionally strong orgasm followed by several other orgasms in a row, seem to cool the high sex drive down for a while.

It makes me a little sad to even think that what I do may be similar to someone that cuts themselves because they are depressed. But I really wonder if they are not more related than I'd like to admit. Maybe I'm simply acting out on the frustration against myself.

One fetish in particular that I have done more of recently, is heating the testicles with gel packs for a prolonged period of time. The idea is to ensure that you don't burn yourself (but it can still happen even if you are careful), but produce a high enough temperature for a prolonged period of time that it shuts the testicles down some. The anecdotal evidence suggests that an hour and a half to two hours at around 105-108F works fairly well if repeated a few times over a couple of weeks. It sometimes works well enough to take the edge off, but I have also burned myself doing it. It also doesn't cause much of a drop in sex drive for any length of time.

As far as the real risk of doing something to permanently hurt myself or kill myself over my lifetime, I think it is fairly low. I think before coming out to my other half, the likely hood of hurting myself was around 15% and killing myself .1%. I'd like to think that now everything is no longer a secret and I'm open about everything, that has dropped to 1%, and 0% respectively.

I think the biggest thing to reduce the chances of doing anything stupid, is simply to let my other half know when things are driving me crazy and I'm really frustrated. I know it will make him sad if I do anything, and that will make it a lot harder for me to act out on my high sex drive and frustration. Out side of that I don't think there is a lot that will be effective. Avoiding certain thoughts or activities seems to have only prolonged acting out in the past. And I don't think there is any magical trigger that would cause me to act out.

I mentioned in our last session that I was surprised by how exceptionally horny I got when I started reading castration stories even while on Depo Provera. Even if I was alone, there was about 0% chance that I would have done anything stupid let alone dangerous. It would have simply ended in one great orgasm, but because it made my other half sad I didn't do anything and just let it go.

The larger over encompassing problem is what to do about the high sex drive making me frustrated. I would love it if there was something I could take to cool my sex drive down quickly for 2-3 weeks without a lot of side effects or killing it 100%, but I don't think there is currently anything that meets that criteria. Depo Provera lasts way too long and kills it 100%. And anti-depressants carry a lot of side effects, may or may not be effective, take a while to even kick in, and would only be useful if you planned on taking them all the time.

Castration with replacement of false testicles, followed by HRT is NOT acceptable either even though there are quite a few guys in similar situations that have gone this route and have been happy with the results. First off, my other half would never ever support this and would leave me. Even if this weren't the case, there are still issues I would have with this. a) I don't like shots and it would be a weekly or every other week injection. b) i would have to take blood tests every once in a while to make sure liver enzymes and red blood cell count were not up or high. b) it would cost quite a bit of money over a long period of time. c) it could change the intensity of orgasms d) it could take longer to orgasm e) it could cause depression as i might feel less of a man f) other people might see or act differently towards me g) i could seriously regret doing it.

Thus in conclusion, I am glad that I had the opportunity to try Depo Provera. It has allowed me to really analyze my problem without becoming sexually exciting and confusing the situation. It also caused me to seek outside help and get a different perspective on the issue. And I have had a vacation from being excessively driven. However, I am looking forward to getting back to "normal" and I don't feel it would be appropriate to take again.

Unless there is something I'm not aware of, the ONLY option is is to simply live and deal with the frustration that comes and goes. And my only hope is that in the next 10-15 years that my sex drive naturally declines like everyone else's drive and stops driving me crazy.

---

I also have a pretty good idea I know how the fixation on castration got started. I grew up in a small rural town in the midwest in a strong large catholic family. I was gay and had a VERY hard time dealing with it. I was in denial, very mad at myself and the world, ashamed at the thoughts that I was having towards guys, and very depressed. I grew up on a farm and knew all about castration. I felt that castration was the only way out of this misery. When I would masturbate often times the thought of castrating myself would replace having sex with guys. This grew more intense and there were several times that I was out of my mind and came very close to banding or cutting them off. It was a scary time.

Amazingly, when I went off to college I finally accepted myself for who I am, stopped hating myself, and overcame the depression. I did that all by myself and now I'm glad I'm gay and wouldn't change it. However, this did not cause the fixation on castration to go away. It still survives and is fed by aggravation and frustration with what seems like an excessive sex drive.

The other thing is that the fixation on castration has always been something that has been a turn on in and of itself. I don't know if it started out that way, but it certainly is now. It has is a source of intense orgasms.

[SplitDik (imported)]

Your issues sound very similar to mine. I am not gay, however, but my life was plagued with high sexual drive/tension which would "sour" into a desire to seriously hurt my genitals. I have done very serious things, and ended up in the hospital getting my testicles repaired many times. However, a few years ago I finally asked for emergency psychiatric help and the help I did get helped immediately. Maybe my experience can help you too.

The first thing is that (if you're like me) you'll notice that you have a cycle where your high libido at first feels good, but then will ultimately take over your whole awareness, which will be a sort of "zone out" where the sexual impulses are totally distracting, every move seems sexual, you want to stick your dick in anything that moves, etc. Then, over a bit more time the feelings will "sour" and suddenly impulses to hurt your genitals will seem like a perfectly good idea and eventually escalate to acting on those impulses.

It is definitely very important to become aware of the "souring" point for your sexual buildup. AS SOON AS YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST IMPULSE TO HURT YOURSELF YOU NEED TO MASTURBATE TO ORGASM. If you are like me, after orgasm much of the impulse to hurt yourself will evaporate quickly. For me, the big issue was that I don't really like to masturbate so it was a big part of my counseling to understand that masturbation was positive if I was using it as a means to dispel my self-hurt cycle.

Secondly, my psychiatrist treated my issue as a "paraphilia". Even though I have never quite agreed that it is the same as other fetishes, the treatment has worked so I can't really complain. Specifically, he prescribed SSRI drug Celexa. Within 24 hours of first taking Celexa, I ceased to hurt myself! I went from hurting myself every day (literally the first thing I did every morning was to squeeze my testicles in a doorjam) to not being interested in hurting myself. I also had a $500/wk habit of visiting severe dominatrixes which I stopped immediately. In three years I have dramatically stopped the cycle, and have to give most of the credit to the drug Celexa. I'm not sure that an SSRI drug will work for everyone, but since your situation seems so close to mine, I hope it does.

So that's it -- get a prescription for an SSRI drug, and use masturbation (without any guilt) as a tool any time your sexual tension seems to sour.

Hope that helps! You're welcome to print this out for discussion with your psychiatrist.

P.S. Just to emphasize the seriousness of my problem which is now totally managed successfully for three years, some of the things I've done to myself (starting at age 11): tried to cut off penis with carving knife (stopped after blood loss started scaring me), hung my bodyweight by my testicles, paid dominatrixes weekly to perform severe CBT (needles, kicking, crushing, banding), used burdizzo on myself, cut my scrotum open to view one testicle, injected alcohol directly into testicles, injected female hormones directly into testicles, ended up with ruptured testicle from dominatrix stepping on my testicle with a high-heel then crushing same testicle in a door, ended up with a hydrocele from hanging by my testicles, performed self-subincision, had to get fishhook removed at hospital from inside my urethra (don't laugh!), used electro-surgery pencil to scar my penis glans, etc.

[thepenectomised (imported)]

with the above, is your manhood as a whole still working?

[SplitDik (imported)]

Actually yes, I can still get a good erection and ejaculation. Because of the subincision, the ejaculation sort of dribbles, but the amount and quality of the semen is still good.

My personal belief is that testicle self-injury must be fairly common and evolution has made them quite resilient! Not only do we have two of them, but they seem to recover from most apparently serious damage. They can also withstand a much longer period without bloodflow than other body parts.

Mine are now different sizes, and on an ultrasound the sonagrapher often is perplexed by the number of small "cysts" (these are scars from injections and such). I have numerous scars but mostly superficial.

I think it is both fortunate and unfortunate that testicles are so hard to ruin. If it was easier, then most of us would have completed our obsession easily. On the other hand, for someone like myself that is not transsexual it is nice to know that I can still function as a man even after my serious self-harm.

[guy26 (imported)]

Thanks SplitDik for your response. I'm glad that I'm not alone in having this kind of problem. I'm also exceptionally happy to hear that you found a solution to your problem--Celexa and masturbation. You sound a lot like me, except kicked up a notch or two.

As far as using orgasms to control the urge to do crazy things, it is effective in stopping the behavior. The key is actually getting to the point of orgasm before doing something stupid. Sometimes I can tell a few days in advance when things are really starting to drive me crazy. Instead of getting off more often, I have a tendency to stop completely! I have no idea why I do that. There are times in the few days that I'm not horny and have some common sense. I also know that once I start getting into the act of doing something stupid that I could end it by simply getting off real quick. But realizing that hasn't helped too much in the past.

I'm guessing that I have at least another month before the Depo Provera wears off and I'm back to normal. So I have a while to decide how I want to tackle this problem. I don't think that my sex drive "sours" quite as often as your sex drive, but it certainly happens several times a year. I might have the will power to resist the urges with the help of my other half, but I won't know for sure until time elapses and I'm put to the test.

This might sound a little crazy, but bear with me. There is a reason why I'm a little hesitant to try SSRI's. A long time ago when I was a teenager, I had a terrible time with bipolar depression and extreme hatred towards myself and the world. This primarily came from severe problems dealing with being gay. I was in constant self inflicted misery. Maybe as a coping mechanism, I tried my hardest to push all feelings deep down and out of my mind. I allowed myself to develop what felt like two personalities. One that was completely logical and rational. The other was emotional and irrational. The logical side was in control 95% of the time and I always feared what I might do if the other half came out. It was a ridiculous situation. Once I eventually got over the depression, I finally felt integrated again. However, that whole mess has left me a bit more level than most. I don't tend to get really excited, happy, or mad. I have researched the side effects of anti-depressants and a lot of people mention that they feel that the highs and lows are more evened out. I'm not for sure I would want to be any more leveled out. I think it would make me feel like a zombie. But the side effects from SSRI's are varied from person to person and I wouldn't really know until I tried them.

I have looked at Celexa in particular. From reading personal reviews of it and the side effects that people have had on it, the lowered sex drive varies not only by person but also the amount taken. How much are you currently taking? And if you have adjusted the dosage, did you notice much of a difference?

P.S. I don't have any guilt about masturbation. I did maybe initially when I was a kid, but that quickly gave way as nonsense.

[SplitDik (imported)]

I'm on 20mg Celexa per day. I have tried 40mg, but it starts to make me feel a bit "zombied" where concentration is hard. 20mg seemed to be the best balance between giving me a significant help without feeling over-medicated.

[may172001 (imported)]

I am also younger than 26 and I am going to have my testicles removed for the same casue.

Something that will decrease the testicular function also might help you out!

Their are a few ways to decrease testicular function to keep this from happening!

[Dayhunter (imported)]

I'm on 20mg Celexa per day. I have tried 40mg, but it starts to make me feel a bit "zombied" where concentration is hard. 20mg seemed to be the best balance between giving me a significant help without feeling over-medicated.

I haven't been posting for a long time due to not having online access but I feel compelled to comment on Celexa. I have a low testosterone level naturally and I also have had family members with breast cancer. I was on Celexa for a time and developed a cyst in my breast under my right nipple. A biopsy proved the cyst not to be cancer. My oncologost said he had seen this before with Celexa. After I went off the drug the cyst gradually went away. There are other drugs you could use and in any case ita's probably wise to do periodic breast self examinations.

[bruce2 (imported)]

Wow, very insighful thread. I've gone through much of this myself, but the extreme self inflicted stuff is mostly in the past. At my lowest point I have done things such as stick hypodermic syringes in my testicles and one time I sliced open my scrotum and pusehd my testicles out, but didn't attempt to cut them off. I can identify with the whole fixation / self harm cycle, and how sometimes we're all driven to the point of "near insanity" by our hormones and psychology.

I have a lot of sexual self hate, and this has manifested itself in two diatmetrically opposed ways: wanting to be super horny and super sexual, and acting out on sexual fantasies, and wanting to be completely asexual and fantasizing about both surgical and chemical castration.

Right now I'm not "chemically castrated" from the Depo Provera ... though it's only been a little more than two weeks I guess. I do feel "calmer" in my head, and I know progesterone has that effect on the male brain. I'm also still getting erections, not as many as before, but what scares me is sometimes when I get them I feel even more driven than before taking the Depo shots. For instance, when I tried to masturbate the other day, alll the sudden I was like an "animal in heat" and just started to observe myself -- i was strangely detached in consciousness, it was like I was looking down at some animal playing with itself. Maybe it was the increased intensity needed to make myself orgasm due to the Depo in my system -- but it was pretty wild. I assume I'm in some "transition zone" between high / normal testosterone levels and lower levels ... so the equipment and will ovbiously hasn't shut down yet.

I think what I suffer from is an imbalance between the normal conscious mind and the sexual mind -- that part of ourselves which is purely animal and lust driven. When we're ashamed of that part of ourselves, we repress it -- and resort to almost any length of mental fantasy or reality to supress it, such as chemical castration. But this animal force inevitably wins over, and if we don't watch out it willl make us do things that we might regret of that might harm us.

I'm so glad people can't read out minds when we're having sex. If they only knew how many times I fantasize I'm being castrated, or castrating them, or other similar "sick" fantasies. I experience alot of guilt over this, I always feel there is something "wrong" with me and I wonder why I can't be like "normal" people who seem to just enjoy the act of sex.

Anyways this thread has been very helpful, I feel a little clearer about the connection between my own sexual self loathing (the reasons for which are many and which I will explore in upcoming posts) and my castration fixation / fetish.

Like the other poster, I'm not sure how long I willl continue with chemical castration, I do like the calm i'm feeling, but on the other hand I do enjoy being sexual -- my dream would be to attain a balance between the two sides. And I also wish there was a way to quickly turn sexuality on or off -- but even with Androcur, it seems to take a matter of weeks, and then weeks to come back on. In any case it seems the road everyone here is travelling is towards that of self acceptance -- and if that means chemical or surgical castration, then so be it. Hopefully most of us can find it without having to go that far, but I can completely understand the impulse to be castrated, and the allure of being free of sexual frustration and complication.

[Bagoas (imported)]

My own early attempts at self-castration were inspired by guilt over homosexuality rather than as a means of controlling my sex urge. What I really mean by that is that I thought that it would be better to eradicate my sex urge entirely than lust after my own sex. However, I found it possible to control my sex urge by masturbation to orgasm, as frequently as needed. In fact, the frequency of my indulgence was limited primarily by opportunity. From age 13 to age 40 (when my prowess began to decline) I rarely masturbated less than six times per day. Others with whom I have discussed this have found three to four times a day effective for them. Masturbation has many advantages. Whatever it may lack in quality can certainly be made up in quantity. It costs nothing. It is always available, and , best of all, it is the ultimate form of safe sex. There is NO risk whatever of contracting a STD or of causing pregnancy. It is my personal opinion, based upon my own experience, that, for controlling one's libido, masturbation is greatly preferable to drugs or surgery.