Real Life Dilbert-Type Managers Memos

[Studlover (imported)]

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

[radar (imported)]

The sad thing is that those are not atypical examples of the intelligence level of much of corporate management today. At least that of public companies, where Yes Men tend to prevail.

[Riverwind (imported)]

The sad thing is that those are not atypical examples of the intelligence level of much of corporate management today. At least that of public companies, where Yes Men tend to prevail.

Its not just public companies, private and co-ops do the same thing. I think the reason is that the company has a good worker, so they make him a manager, he's not qualified but. Now he gets another permotion and picks a person in the staff like him to fill his spot. Now you have two levels of management that dont have a clue.

The problem is a good worker does not mean he will be a good boss, and the reverse is true.

River

[radar (imported)]

Its not just public companies, private and co-ops do the same thing. I think the reason is that the company has a good worker, so they make him a manager, he's not qualified but. Now he gets another permotion and picks a person in the staff like him to fill his spot. Now you have two levels of management that dont have a clue.

The problem is a good worker does not mean he will be a good boss, and the reverse is true.

River

In other words, the Peter Principle always applies. I think it also has much to do with the shallowness of a modern business education.

[A-1 (imported)]

Radar,

They are not shallow, they are dishonest and unethical.

Now, I feel better.



A-1

[Dave (imported)]

I swear to on my Father's grave that this memo is true - The names have been changed to protect the innocent (giggle). It lasted only 90 minutes before the bosses yanked it off the internal internet and stomped all over it...

Important Notice Concerning Space Heaters at {{Company name}}

For many of you, this is all new. For everyone, there are some new twists this year, so every person that has a space heater at {{Company name}} needs to read this message. There is a question and answer section below the main message.

It is time for annual safety inspections of electric space heaters. This is required under the pending procedure "Equipment Safety" P#6969-000.1-43a.vx.rev8 (currently undergoing revision). So here are the highlights

From now on, all space heaters will be assigned in your name, via property tags. Property tags will be attached during this year's inspection. Walk-through inspections will now include checking space heaters for both property tags and inspection tags.

Every space heater must undergo annual safety inspection.

Only {{Company name}}-owned space heaters are allowed on site.

Space heaters will be inspected and returned to the assignee. Heaters that do not pass inspection will be repaired or replaced as soon as possible.

To speed up the process of inspection, we have established heater collection stations at both sites. (The heaters will not be inspected on the spot; they will be returned to you later.)

Buildings 91 and 34 are the locations in North Campus, and R22 in B66 is the South Campus location. These collection stations will be 'open' this Thursday and Friday, October 9 and 10. Put your name and phone number on a Post-It or scrap of paper and attach it to the heater, and drop it off at the location most convenient to you.

If you cannot drop off your space heater at one of the locations on either of these days, you must contact one of the inspection coordinators. The coordinators are Peter Gosinya on North Campus (x4591) and Eileen Dover at South Campus (x6133).

In conclusion, it is YOUR responsibility to get your space heater tagged and inspected, by either dropping the heater off at a collection station or contacting your inspection coordinator.

Below are some answers to anticipated questions. If those answers don't work for you, or you have other questions, contact your inspection coordinator, or contact Butch Cassidy (4191, but I prefer e-mail).

Q&A:

This is all new to me. Why wasn't I told before?

This is a new procedure to many people who have had space heaters in the past. But it is the {{Company name}}-wide procedure for how space heaters will be managed from now on.

Why are you inspecting my space heater? It works just fine.

Due to stress induced by heating/cool-off cycles, parts in a space heater can wear out, and the heater could become a fire or shock hazard. We just want to assure that they are in good operating condition, for everyone's protection.

Why is the procedure being enforced when it hasn't been issued?

This mild weather time seems to be the best time of year to do the inspections, in terms of weather and building heat. We don't want to take your heater away during the winter. It has to be done sometime, so bear with us, and if necessary wear warmer clothes for a few days while your heater is away.

Why can't the inspections be done on the spot?

Due to a variety of reasons, all space heaters for both sites are being transported to one location to be inspected. To try to inspect them at the collection sites would require many more man-hours, since the inspectors would have to be present at 3 locations all day long. And, at times, there could be quite a line of people waiting to get their heater inspected, so your time would be wasted, too.

When will I get my heater back?

I'm not guaranteeing any certain number of hours or days. This is the first time this system has been tried, and many more heaters will be inspected this year than in the past. The goal is to get them back to you within a few working days. The best effort will be made to get your space heater back to you as soon as possible.

Will I get my same heater back?

Yes. By putting property tags on the heaters, they are being individually identifed and 'assigned' to you. The only ways you won't get the same heater back: a. it is broken beyond repair (in which case it will be replaced), or b. you leave it at a collection site while no one is present, and you forget to put your name on it.

My heater needed a part fixed, but they threw away the heater and replaced it instead. Why?

Only very minor repairs will be attempted. We are not equipped to be a small appliance repair shop. The man-hours spend tracking down and ordering replacement parts and then installing them quickly overtakes the cost of a new space heater.

What if I refuse to turn my space heater in for inspection?

During facility inspections and management walk-through inspections, space heaters will be checked for property tags and current inspection tags. If your heater does not have these marks, you will be required to have it taken care of at that time or have the heater removed. To get the heater inspected (at times other than right now when we're set up to inspect them all at once) you will have to put a work order in to get the heater inspected. This work order will undoubtedly be given a low priority, which means it could be a matter of weeks before you get your heater inspected.

I brought in my own space heater, does it have to go through this process?

Personally owned space heaters are not permitted. Sorry, but you'll have to take it home. Request a {{Company name}}space heater through the Safety and Health Division.

[Dave (imported)]

and you wonder why I have such a strange and cynical sense of humor!!!!

[Dave (imported)]

I once wrote a memo to my boss quoting a line from a procedure I had to review: "The new procedure says quote: all proceedures (sic) will be sent through the director for approval"

A day later the boss angrily accused me of calling the writer sick.

I took pity and explained what "sic" actually meant.

[DeaconBlues (imported)]

I once wrote a memo to my boss quoting a line from a procedure I had to review: "The new procedure says quote: all proceedures (sic) will be sent through the director for approval"

A day later the boss angrily accused me of calling the writer sick.

I took pity and explained what "sic" actually meant.

Damn, sounds like we must have worked in the same place, but that is impossible, I was in the Navy stationed in Augusta, GA. when I had the STUPIDEST boss EVER.

Her spelling, grammar and pronunciation was bad, and that is really no big deal, except that she insisted on correcting the spelling, grammar and pronunciation of others.

For example, I was discussing one day the need to reduce the number of shift changes so we minimize the negative impact on our people's circadian rhythm. She stopped me, and interrupted to insist the pronunciation is "KIR-kad-iyan" and not "SIR-kad-iyan." To me, it is really no big deal, but since I had pronounced it "SIR-kad-iyan" she just assumed everything else I had to say was wrong.

By the way, I was right...http://www.thefreedictionary.com/circadian