Only In Texas

[radar (imported)]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says! , "Had'm circumcised".

[A-1 (imported)]

Rumor has it that native new-born Bostonians lose 25% of their body in the first hour after being born. It seems that they have a BIG bowel movement...





A-1

[Studlover (imported)]

Rumor has it that native new-born Bostonians lose 25% of their body in the first hour after being born. It seems that they have a BIG bowel movement...





A-1

Radar, that is so typically Texas I don't have words to explain it. I can just picture this scene even in a Texas bar and the one in my neighborhood. It's true Texans love to spread the BS and like this joke.

Thanks for the great Texas joke!

Studlover

[Slammr (imported)]

It was a cold winter day. Two Texas boys were standing on a bridge taking a leak over the side. "My," said the first, "that water's cold."

"Yes," answered the other, "and it's deep, too."

________________________________________

A Texan, visiting New York, was standing on a subway platform. He was wearing a cowboy hat. Seeing him, a New York housewife walked up to him, and, looking up, asked, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Texas, mam," he answered.

"I thought maybe you were. How tall are you?"

"Bout seven foot, mam."

"Wow," she said, "that's really tall. How much do you weigh?"

"Bout 350 pounds, mam."

"That's a lot." She hesitated a moment. Her face got red. Then, she said, "I hope you won't be offended, but I've just got to know. How big's your dick?"

"Bout four inches, mam."

"Four inches?" She cracked up-laughing. "My husband's cock is bigger than that."

"Four inches thick, mam?"

[Slammr (imported)]

It was shortly after WW II. An airliner, a DC 6, a four engine prop driven plane, was flying from New York to London. One of the engines sputtered, then, stopped. They lost a little altitude, but the plane could fly on just three engines. Then-another engine failed. The plane began a slow descent toward the ocean. Over the intercom, the pilot said, "Folks, we're going to have to lighten the load. We'll have to throw out all the in-flight baggage."

They threw out everything that was loose inside the plane. It helped, but the plane was still losing altitude, so they ripped out the seats, throwing them out as well. The plane was still slowly losing altitude.

Again, the pilot spoke over the intercom. "Folks, we're still losing altitude. If we don't get rid of some more weight, we're going to crash into the ocean-and we'll all be killed. We've thrown out everything." It was true. The interior of the airplane was empty, except for the passengers who were standing around. "I have to ask for volunteers," the pilot continued, "to jump out, sacrificing their lives, allowing the rest of us to live."

The copilot came back and opened the door at the front of the plane. For a moment, nothing happened, then a nattly dressed Brit stepped up, looked out the door, and said, "God save the king." He jumped out the door.

It helped, but the plane continued to lose altitude.

A Frenchman, stepping up to the door, said, "Viva la France." He jumped.

The plane was still losing altitude, but just barely. The pilot said, "Just one more-two at the most. That should do it."

A big Texan walked to the door. He looked out into the dark, heard the wind whistling by the door-reached over, grabbed two Mexicans, threw them out the door, saying, "Remember the Alamo."

[Slammr (imported)]

This next story is told in Oklahoma, so I decline to attest to its veracity.

A petite, pretty, Oklahoma native was traveling a fairly deserted road when she had a flat tire. Her older car had a huge trunk. She had to lean over, almost crawling into the trunk, to get the spare tire. The spring, holding open the trunk, broke, dropping the lid onto the woman. She was trapped. Try as she might, she couldn't free herself. Thirty minutes must have past before she heard a car. Hearing it stop, she began screaming for help.

Bubba, a Texas boy, was lost. He'd taken a wrong turn and had been driving for hours down an almost deserted road. Seeing a car stopped beside the road, he slowed. Then, seeing an almost imcomprehensible sight, he stopped. A woman's ass, protuding from the trunk of the car, wiggled vigorously. Her dress had blown up, revealing her panties. Stepping out of his car, he heard her pleas for help.

At first, he was going to help-but he couldn't take his eyes off her ass. He could see the shadow of her pubic hair beneath her panties-could imagine the moist, warm, vagina beneath them. Trapped by the trunk lid, she couldn't see him.

Walking up to her, he ripped away her panties, unzipped his pants, took out his cock, and raped her. After satisfying himself, he got back into his car, driving off, leaving her trapped by the trunk lid.

Hours later, a local sheriff, patrolling the lonely road, came upon the trapped woman. Upon being freed, seeing that he was a sheriff, she said, "I've been raped-by a Texan."

"How did you know it was a Texan?" asked the officer. "Your head was in the trunk. You couldn't have seen anything."

"I'm sure it was a Texan. He had a great big beltbuckle-and a little bitty cock."

[Slammr (imported)]

It was after an election much like the one in 2000. Kerry had won the popular vote, but Florida, awash again in voting irregularities, had narrowly gone to Bush, winning him the election. The democrats had contested the election to the Supreme Court, but, once again, they had decided for Bush. Afterward, to show he had no hard feelings for what Kerry had said about him during the campaign, Bush invited him to his ranch. After a big Texas barbeque, Kerry and Bush were sitting in the den, sipping a glass of bourbon. It was the first George had drunk in quite a while, but he had felt like celebrating. He was a little tipsy.

"Well, John. You lost that one," he said.

"That's right, George-but I won the popular vote."

"Yeah-that and a buck seventy-five will get you a cup of coffee."

Kerry wasn't going to say anything else. He hadn't come to discuss the election-but, George wouldn't leave it alone. Thinking about Florida, he smiled. His brother's organization had come through for him again.

"Yeah, Johnny boy, you got screwed. Guess we know who the bitch is."

"Yes," answered Kerry. "The country. She's the one who really got screwed."

[Bagoas (imported)]

A very near-sighted Texan invites a friend to take a ride with him in his new Cadillac. As the Texan gets in, he removes his glasses. His friend is visibly alarmed, knowing that without glasses he can't see beyond a yard. "Relax", says the driver, starting the engine. "I had the windshield ground to my prescription."