~~ Hurricane Preparations ~~

[Dave (imported)]

~~ HURRICANE PREPARATIONS ~~

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations but in case you need a

refresher course here are some suggestions:

We have entered the peak of the hurricane season. Right now, you can turn

on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the

Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the

area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility

that we'll get hit by "THE BIG ONE". Based on our insurance industry experiences,

we recommend that you follow this simple three step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,

statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most

people will foolishly stay here in Florida. Others will die en route to Nebraska.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this

insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic

requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might

actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to

sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay YOU

money, and that is certainty not why they got into the insurance business

in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company

which will charge you an exorbitant annual premium roughly equal to the

replacement value of your house. Also at any moment this company can drop

you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the

doors. There are several types of shutters with advantages and disadvantages:

PLYWOOD SHUTTERS. The advantage is that because you make them yourself,

they're cheap. Disadvantage: Termites LOVE plywood.

SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS. The advantage is that these work well once you

get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands

will be useless bleeding stumps and it will be December.

ROLL-DOWN SHUTTERS. The advantages are that they're very easy to use and

will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell

your house to pay for them.

HURRICANE-PROOF WINDOWS. These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane

protection. They look like ordinary windows but they can withstand hurricane

winds! You can be sure of this because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY.

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for moveable objects like barbecue

grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution,

throw these items into your swimming pool. (If you don't have a swimming pool,

you should have one built immediately.) Otherwise, the hurricane winds will

turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE.

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned

out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,look at your driver's

license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having

an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm

hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from

your home along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So as a bonus

you will not be lonely!

HURRICANE SUPPLIES.

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now!

Florida tradition requires that you wait until the very last possible minute

then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over

who gets the last can of can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you

will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of

batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for

the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY

knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A big knife

you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane but it looks

cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody

who went through Andrew; after the hurricane there WILL be irate

alligators. Everywhere.) $35,000 in cash and diamonds so that, after the

hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is

vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your

television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the

ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody

to stay away from the ocean. Good luck, and remember it's great living in

PARADISE!

[Dave (imported)]

A friend of mine who lives in Florida sent this - - personally, I like the part about raw chickens for irate alligators.

[A-1 (imported)]

You know,

I am grateful about one thing. With this war in Iraq Dan Rather is EXTREMELY preoccupied. This means that we are unlikely to see Dan Rather in Florida in that God-Damned Humphrey Bogart raincoat shooting his mouth off about global warming in the middle of a Hurricane. I guess that he will be getting blown around in New York.



A-1