Wise but Funny Sayings

[Studlover (imported)]

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was

not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a

bed, but fine up against a wall".~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I

have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that

statement.~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good

ending; and have the two placed as close together as possible.

~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea .... visit people only once a year.

~Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir -- mighty scarce.

~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

~Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you

get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she

stops to breathe.~Jimmy Durante

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you

nothing. It was here first.~Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant

form of misery.~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

~Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "shut up".

~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for

my nap.~Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't

remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its

way through Congress.~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- As you grow older, it will

avoid you.~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts

to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that

you are not a hypochondriac. ~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good -- spit it out.~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go

anywhere.~Unknown

[jane_says (imported)]

Those are really funny. The older I get, the more I realize my dad didn't have so many wise sayings (of his own, anyway). Until just a minute ago, I thought he was the one who came up with a couple of those.

To this day whenever he sees me drink a glass of water, he wrinkles up his nose and says "Don't drink that sh*t! Fish f*ck in it".