man walks into a bar with a {?} and says

[Dave (imported)]

There are so many jokes that start with that line. The one that gets me into the most trouble is "a man walks inot a bar with a duck under his arm ans says "I can fart the National Anthem" ... I've been slapped for that joke:

But here is today's offering:

A guy goes into a pub somewhere in Britian or Scotland with an Emu and a cat.

He says, "Two pints of lager..." And asks the cat: "What do you want?"

The cat says, "I'm not payin' for it."

The man says, "I'm not asking you to pay for it. I'm gonna get it. What do you want?"

The cat says, "I'm not payin' for it."

The man says, "It's all right. I'm going to buy it. Now, what do you want?"

Cat says, "Pint o' lager, but I'm not payin' for it."

The man says to the bartender: "Three pints of lager."

The man, the emu, and the cat drink their lagers.

Then the man gets back up and says: "So, is that gonna be the same again?"

The cat goes, "I'm not payin' for it."

The man says: "I'm buying the drinks!"

The Cat says: "I'm not payin' for it!"

This goes on. Four times it happens.

Finally, the barman says, "What is this? What're you doing with an Emu and a cat?"

The man says, "Long story... Anyway, I get these three wishes. I met a genie, he gave me three wishes. I said, 'You see the big house in the hills? I'd love that. I've always looked at it and I'd love to have that.'

The genie PSSHHHH... The man is sittin' in the house, servants all around.

Then the man says, 'Next, I better have money to make sure I keep the house... Um... 10 million dollars.' PSHHHH Bankbook... $10 million."

The barman says, "But this isn't..."

The man says: "Yeah, yeah... Third wish: I said to the genie - 'I want a big tall bird with long legs and a wee tight pussy!' - and this is what I got!'"

[joydivision_27 (imported)]

Can you finish the one about the duck and the National Anthem ......?

I can't seem to puzzle it out .....

Thanks!

jdv

[Dave (imported)]

Can you finish the one about the duck and the National Anthem ......?

I can't seem to puzzle it out .....

Thanks!

jdv

well, sort of... But the setup line is funnier than the punchline.

a man walks into a bar with a duck under his arm and

says "I can fart the National Anthem"

The bartender looks at him and says: "really now, and what would you want for that?

"Just a pint or two," the man answers.

"You have a deal. By the way, what's the duck for?"

"dinner," the man says. He sets the duck on the counter, climbs up on the bar and drops his pants. He turns his back to the bartender, spreads his butt and take a huge, gassy blast that splatters bits of slimy shit all over the bar.

The stunned bartender screams at the top of his lungs: "What the hell was that?"

and the man answers: "Well even the greatest opera singer in the world gets to clear her throat before singing!"

tada (you actually asked me to write that, HUH!

The setup line is funnier than the joke.

[joydivision_27 (imported)]

YIKES!!!!

Thanks for completing the joke!

I was definitely on the wrong track .... I've heard a similar set-up in another joke:

A guy walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm and says "y'wanna see the pig I'm fuckin?" and his wife says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!" The guy says, "I was talkin' to the duck!"

Nevertheless, I was holding out hope for something involving rockets' red glare and bombs bursting in air ....

[Dave (imported)]

YIKES!!!!

Nevertheless, I was holding out hope for something involving rockets' red glare and bombs bursting in air ....

Just strike a match nearby, I guess.

I like your joke about the pig and duck. It's mean but funny.

There's another old joke (you may embellish this) aboutthe man searching for a bathroom on the second floor and craps into a hole in the floor. When he goes back downstairs into the bar the punchline is "where where you when the S*** hit the fan?

That's an old, old joke...

[Riverwind (imported)]

Dave Man and the duck, oh my. I am going to be laughing about that one all day. THANKS

River

[Dave (imported)]

Then there was the joke about the reporter sent to cover the SHAN of Katmandu (yes, SHAN, hot Shah, or Shaw)..

It seems he was in the bathroom when the Shan had an epileptic seizure and drown in the ocean. The reporter's editor fired him for not being present when

are you ready?

the fit hit the SHAN.

[joydivision_27 (imported)]

HA HA!!

Yeah, the duck, pig joke was a bit mean, but the way I figure:

1. The characters in the joke are fictional, so no one's feelings were actually hurt!

2. If it were me in the same situation, I wouldn't have a wife -- as I am a homo.

3. And even if the presented scenario were to lead to fucking (pigs & ducks aside), I'd be totally useless because I intend to have a penectomy.

So, in my situation, the joke should read:

A man walks into a bedroom with a dick under his arm and says "who's that pig you're fuckin?" and his wife says, "How else am I supposed to get any pork around here?! Besides, the pig's penis is shaped like a cork-scew...!" The guy says, "well, my dick can also rotate ... AND ... either end is a usable option!"

Sorry ---- it's late and I'm really drunk!!

jdv