For our Canadian friends

[JesusA (imported)]

Tourism at its best!

Now that Vancouver has won the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: We still use Beaver pelts.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, We don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first

[At least my source said that these came from an international tourism web site. Some have been around for decades, though.]

[Dave (imported)]

I hear you can buy dried Moose meat in cans. Is it a sausage?

If reading the phone book in french is like making love sounds,

why does french canadian french sound like malfunctioning chain saws and shrieking cats...

Is it true that all the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are big strapping men with giant cocks and they all have sex with their horses?

Canada is the only places that the phrase "ooot and a boot in a boot" really means "out and about in a boat" ...

Does Canada have a navy?

[Riverwind (imported)]

Just wondering, IEunuch,

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

do you know this gal ?

[Arab Nights (imported)]

Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Broadcast live at 8, 11:30 Newfoundland.

[TheOtherSide (imported)]

I hear you can buy dried Moose meat in cans. Is it a sausage?

No, for the sausage version, you have to visit Calgary, where it is served while you watch the hippo races, and listen to the Vienna Boy's Choir. Come naked.

If reading the phone book in french is like making love sounds,

why does french canadian french sound like malfunctioning chain saws and shrieking cats...

As with the American and British versions of English, the French spoken in Quebec is not the French spoken in France. There are grammatical differences, as well as an accent to take into consideration. Might as well ask why British, Irish, Scottish, Australian, and US folks don't all sound alike.

Is it true that all the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are big strapping men with giant cocks and they all have sex with their horses?

Many have probably never ridden a horse. Judging from the attituides of some, I wouldn't expect them to all be well-hung, either. Especially the female ones. (And don't expect the red uniforms, either.)

Canada is the only places that the phrase "ooot and a boot in a boot" really means "out and about in a boat" ...

Hmmm...... perhaps this was true at one point, in one portion of Canada. However, for the most part you would never know a person was Canadian by accent alone. Most of your favorite movies and television shows are filmed here, so if any thing, you now sound more like us.

Does Canada have a navy?

Yes, we do. At least, until the canoe sinks, or unless it's too cold to find open water.

[Dave (imported)]

two thumbs up!