Gayness Cure

[JesusA (imported)]

Evangelical Hospital Holds 5th Annual Gayness Cure Walk

MARIETTA, GA—As part of an ongoing effort to eradicate homosexuality, Cobb County Evangelical Hospital held its fifth annual Walk to Cure Gayness Sunday, drawing thousands of participants to raise funds and awareness for the debilitating psychosexual disease.

Hospital administrators said the remarkably high turnout, which included many survivors and their new opposite-sex spouses, would allow the gayness treatment center to focus on developing new, more effective techniques to cure sufferers of their deviant lifestyle choice.

"Today's walk marks another important step in our continuing battle to make gayness a thing of the past," said hospital president Kenneth P. Strickland, who like many in attendance was wearing a gray ex-gay-awareness ribbon. "Thanks to the groundbreaking research these events make possible, perhaps in 10 or 15 years people who realize they're attracted to members of their own gender can have a shot at leading long, heterosexual lives in the eyes of God."

Well represented among the crowd of walkers in matching "5th Annual Walk to Cure Gayness" collared button-down shirts and khaki slacks were families and friends who had lost loved ones to the illness over the years. As they made their way through downtown Marietta cheered on by volunteers screaming about the evils of sodomy, some took a moment to remember those who had succumbed to the salvation-ending affliction.

"You don't think something like this will ever happen to your family, and then one day your daughter is suddenly taken away from you just like that," said Cheryl Larson, who drove in from nearby Macon with her teenage son and only remaining child. "The doctors told me there was nothing that could have been done to save her, but I feel partially responsible."

"I could have prayed harder. It's something I think about every day," she continued. "And now my Kelly is gone forever. She's in Seattle now."

According to sources, a significant portion of the funding will go toward the purchase of new state-of-the-art gayness treatment equipment such as the YHWH-500, a device that holds one's eyelids open while a patient is forced to read biblical passages denouncing the abomination of homosexuality, and administers a strong electric shock anytime one feels the urge to masturbate to an image of the same sex.

Administrators confirmed that some money will be allocated toward remodeling the hospital's outdated physical therapy center, which, after 14 years of reteaching gay men how to walk properly, "has started to show its age."

The hospital also used the occasion to announce the construction of a new gay pediatric wing, which will cost an estimated $2.6 million to build over the next three years. Officials expressed hope that such a facility would encourage parents to bring in their kids at the first sign of gayness, before it's too late.

"Hopefully, with a dedicated site for homsexual children, we can start diagnosing and treating the disease earlier than ever before," said Strickland, adding that the new wing's decor would adhere to strict gender-conforming norms. "Unfortunately, far too many victims don't get the care they need until well into adolescence, and then by the time they show up at our emergency room their gayness has spiraled out of control."

"It's devastating news no evangelical doctor wants to deliver to a patient's family," he added.

If the number of ex-gays taking part in the walk is any indication, however, Cobb County Evangelical's success stories are growing. Graphic designer Ignatius Carver, 36, who was participating in his third Walk to Cure Gayness with his wife, proudly counts himself as one of the survivors.

"I was a goner there for a while, but as you can see I am now happily married to a woman," said Carver, draping an arm around the church organist nine years his senior whom he met and proposed to within months of his release from the hospital. "In spite of my condition, I defied the odds and as of next month my homosexuality will have been in remission for two years."

"I'm taking things one day at a time," he continued. "But right now it just feels great to be around so many incredible guys who went through the same thing."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/evange ... ure,29214/

It’s from The Onion. Nuff said!

[Dave (imported)]

GEE WHIZZIES, I was pissing red fire until I hit The Onion

[Riverwind (imported)]

I must admit that I was looking for a punch line at the end, I got it.

Wonderful story.

Thanks,

River

[StefanIsMe (imported)]

Awesome!! Love how you "played it straight" (Ha!).

I was sucked in until this part: "

"And now my Kelly is gone forever. She's in Seattle now."

".

Well written story. I love The Onion; too bad the movie they made years ago sucked so bad.

[transward (imported)]

What is even funnier is that the satire is so hard to tell from the statements of the ex-gay people. Aside from the few subtle clues, this could be a "straight" press release from the Focus on the Family types.

Awesome!! Love how you "played it straight" (Ha!).

I was sucked in until this part: " [

quote="JesusA (imported)" time=1345369680]
"And now my Kelly is gone forever. She's in Seattle now."
[/quote]
".

Even this isn't that far off reality. I know one trans woman whose family held a funeral for her after she came out to them as trans.

Transward

[Paolo]

The cure for gayness is simple:

http://www.eunuch.org/forums/images/smilies/E9.gif

Tell the heterosexual couples to STOP having gay babies.

http://www.eunuch.org/forums/images/smilies/E9.gif

[devi (imported)]

Probably the best cure for gayness is to require everyone to put a photo of their OWN nose on their cell phones, on top their television sets, their clocks and the dashboards of their cars.

[kristoff]

Probably the best cure for gayness is to require everyone to put a photo of their OWN nose on their cell phones, on top their television sets, their clocks and the dashboards of their cars.

From below, or straight on? I met a woman once whose nose was so high in the air, I told her I thought I could see her brains, but it was not. I then suggested she earn a second income renting her nose as as windsock at the local airport. I soon rushed from the room.

Totally off topic, I am sure.

[StefanIsMe (imported)]

Best cure for gayness?

Make a machine that can suck memories out of a brain and display them like a movie.

A great, great many straight males that deride homosexuals will be saddened to see footage of that time he and little Timmy played with each other's wieners so happily that one lazy, hazy summer evening during a sleepover....

[Scarysarah (imported)]

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

― Stephen Colbert

I love satire.

Sarah.