Snow White and the Huntsman

[Slammr (imported)]

Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all.

The mirror answers:

Beats me, but I sure as hell know it's not this bitch, Kristen Stewart (the girl in the Twilight movies) in this dog of a movie about Snow White.

Me:

This chick isn't even pretty. She's not bad looking at a distance, as long as she keeps her mouth shut. Once she opens it, she's one ugly bitch. She sure as hell isn't the fairest in the land, and she makes an unbelievably bad Snow White. Whoever did the casting for this movie should be drummed out of the business.

I like movies about magic and swords, and the poster looked cool. I must have missed the previews - usually arrive just in time for the start of the main feature - because if I'd known she was in it, I wouldn't have gone. I hate her in the Twilight movies, and it's all I could do in the few of those movies I've seen not to scream at the screen, "Kill the bitch."

I didn't look at the credits before going, but I wouldn't have recognized her name anyway. I had to look it up on the Internet to write this review. Before the movie was over, I was afraid I'd have to run to the bathroom to puke every time they showed a closeup of her.

It's not that I think she's as ugly as I'm making out, but as Snow White, the fairest in the land, she is incredibly ugly. "She is not fucking Snow White," I kept wanting to scream. Charlize Theron, a good actor, is incredibly hot by comparison. I was rooting for her.

As to the story:

Watch it on DVD. As it was, I kept looking for the fast-forward button. I almost walked out several times - wish I had - but I kept thinking, It has to get better.

It didn't.

Cardboard characters, periods of immense boredom stitched together by meaningless action scenes. This movie had no heart or soul. At least, the original Snow White does. I couldn't tell you one name of any of the dwarfs or tell any of them apart. I'm not sure why they were included in the movie, except that we would expect to see dwarfs in a Snow White movie.

I liked Avengers, and Hunger Games was OK. I haven't seen anything else I like lately. We are having a movie summer this year, aren't we?

[Cainanite (imported)]

I had a buddy take me out to a couple of movies last weekend.

We saw Men in Black III and Battleship.

Both movies were pure dogs.

Men in Black III was the sequel that wasn't needed, and no one asked for. It shows. Admittedly Josh Brolin does a very convincing Tommy Lee Jones impersonation, but that was the only nice thing I could say about it.

Battleship was slightly more fun, but was full of so many damn holes it was ridiculous. Basic logic was completely thrown out the window on this one. I quite seriously think this was a film written not for 10 year olds, but BY a 10 year old.

I don't think Hollywood is even trying anymore.

I've said it before, Hollywood is only making movies if they are attached to a property. They start casting the film and working on the special effects before the script is even written. It is very rare that we get something that is truly original. And if it is an original concept, don't expect a studio to back it very far. Some of the best movies I ever saw, were small independent movies, that only barely got made.

Snow White and the Huntsman looks like another of these cut and paste movies, where the producer cast the movie before he had a script.

I think it must be a very depressing job to be a Hollywood screenwriter in today's world. Nothing original allowed, no risks to be taken. How can you write anything worthwhile with your hands tied behind your back?

[Arab Nights (imported)]

Just to show how lacking in taste some of us are, I really needed a diversion a week ago and the one screen movie house in the small town where I was at only had MIB III. You know, I enjoyed it because it actually took my mind off things.

I went to see Hunger Games with wife when I was in a regular mood. I have to preamble my comments to people because I have no complaints about the acting, action, scenes, etc. It is just that a movie that starts off with the premise of a society where annually a small group of youths are selected to kill each other instantly puts me off. Interestingly, I had an occassion to make comments at a community festival and modelled myself after (I think this is the correct name) Caesar Flickerman and it went over great.