nullorchis (imported) wrote: Mon Feb 25, 2013 2:46 am Over the holidays, for various reasons (travel and busy, not to mention expense of T), I stopped using T.

I can only guess that a) I was too busy to notice what changes might be happening and, b) it takes awhile for changes to occur after stopping T.

Eventually I noticed changes that were significantly different than when I was taking T.

I can only describe it as a complete and total "de-sexualization" on several levels.

I liked it.

So after the holidays I did not re-start using T.

Then today I read a posting on the EA that re-awakened my fear of ostepososis.

One of the original reasons I had decided to take a low dose of T was to avoid the negative health impacts of no T or extremely low T.

So, as of today, I am re-starting the use of a low dose of T.

It takes time to develop your own personal schedule of T application as it takes awhile for the body to react to the introduction of T or changes in the amount of T.

So I will start off real low, and each month, up the amount slowly.

I was taking a fairly low dose before I stopped so I really did not notice any adverse effects of stopping it.

And I don't want to notice any adverse effects of re-starting it.

At least my original objective of destroying my body's ability to produce T on it's agenda has been accomplished.

It produces none, and I am in control of just how much T goes into my body.

That was my goal, and I am very pleased that I have control over this.

I can understand your osteoporosis fear - that is definitely my biggest concern about going without HRT! I'm plenty short enough and do not need to get any shorter. At this point, however, I am quite content with where I am at and have no plans to take any amount of T. While I do have concerns about negative health effects of being without it, I would most likely take E if I had to take something.

Lately I have noticed the following that may or may not be related to the lack of T:

The cold seems to bother me more than it used to. Even with my winter coat on, I sure do feel it!

The balding ring on my scalp is not as noticeable as it was.

My skin may be softening a bit.

I have been having these moods where I feel so wonderfully calm and content. I love these moods so much! It seems like the world is such a beautiful place and there is absolutely nothing to worry about. I just get an amazing sense of peace and well-being inside.

As of right now, I absolutely feel I am on the right path. It seems like this is what was right for me all along and I just didn't know it until now.

Lately for the first time in years I am wishing I were a woman. It's not that I identify as a woman or feel that I am one - it's just that I wish I were a woman, if that makes sense.

I recently found out that there is a rumor going around about me at work because I am a man in a woman's domain. I wanted so badly to say to the person who told me about the rumor, "If you guys knew something about me, I bet those suspicions would go way down," but I refrained.

It can be frustrating that because I am a man, I am supposedly not allowed to perform certain jobs. If I were a woman, I know that nobody would care that I work where I do or that I do what I do, but because I am a man, suddenly it becomes an issue. I think it is certainly unfair, but I suppose there is not much I can do about it! I just want to be myself. I don't want to have to worry about something that I love doing being viewed as unusual simply because I am a man.

In other news, I have disposed of all my remaining T. So I am now completely without either kind of hormone in the house! That makes this time so much different from my past experiments because I never got rid of the T in the past. Even if I did decide I wanted to go back on T, I would have to call the doctor, get a prescription, and have the paperwork for the assistance program filled out since I cannot afford T on my own. I estimate all of this would take at least a month and probably closer to two. But I am not worried since I am very happy with where I am at

I don't regret my castration itself, but lately I've come to accept that there are two consequences of my castration that I do regret. One of them isn't really a big deal, but the other one has been causing me quite a bit of pain lately.

The regret that is less serious has to do with my appearance. I'm a 28 year-old man, but I sure don't look like one! I realized that I don't look much different from how I did when I graduated from high school 10 years ago. I don't doubt that this is almost entirely due to the castration. I often wonder how I would look today if I had not been castrated. Surely I'd look quite different. I would have undergone a great deal more masculinization, and I'd probably look like a 28 year-old man typically does. I think the biggest consequence of this consequence has to do with the dating world - I probably don't get as much attention as I might otherwise get from women.

Since I regret not looking like a man my age should look, I think this makes it pretty clear that a masculine appearance does not bother me. Though I am probably an unusual kind of man, I have accepted that I am a man. I'm OK with that. What I am not OK with are the societal expectations that come along with being a man.

The other regret is a lot more serious. I think this one comes from the fact that I have spent so much time working with children. I really want a child of my own. But even if I did have a partner, I can't have kids, and I know that. It's been hurting me so much lately. I never thought I would so intensely want children, but here I am. Before my surgery I tried to bank sperm, but the company I used gave me a hard time, and I gave up on it. I didn't think back then that this day would come. Of course I know I'm not in a position to have a child right now, but that doesn't make the desire any less strong. It's very hard to know that I will never be able to create a life.

I was thinking about these regrets today and was unhappy, but suddenly an incredible feeling of peace came over me because I realized that I am happy with who I am. Despite the fact that I can't have kids and that I don't look as I was meant to look, I know that castration was right for me, and I know that it's made me a better person. Feeling comfortable with who you are is one of the most important things in the world, I think.

Fathering a child any male can do, but what you are saying is that you would like to be a Dad and that is something special, so when you find a partner adopt a child, problem solved.

River

That last thing has made me to postpone my castration until I find some sort of solution. But I think there are many alternatives. Yes, I understand that having an own kid is different than having just a kid. There are solutions to that even. Scientist have been able to create a spermatosoid out of female stem cell. I guess it would be possible out of male stem cell as well. I am not sure how much stem cell manipulation ban affects further developement, but probably it affects. Then, you could go to your male relatives and ask their help. You will get then a child who has pretty similar genetic code to yours. Especially if it was your brother. And then just adopting a child isn't a bad idea. You probably know how to handle them. So it should be a pure pleasure for you to grow one up. The child will love you exactly the same way as your genetical child would have been loved you. It will help you to reduce these bad feelinings you have.

plix (imported) wrote: Mon May 27, 2013 4:51 pm The regret that is less serious has to do with my appearance. I'm a 28 year-old man, but I sure don't look like one! I realized that I don't look much different from how I did when I graduated from high school 10 years ago. I don't doubt that this is almost entirely due to the castration.

Regarding the appearance, you can not be at all sure that things would have been different. I am 37 years old (with intact testes) and looking at old photos, I just started to notice slight changes. But at 30 years was absolutely no difference. And nobody believed how old I am. Not sure but I appreciate that testosterone levels in my system is quite high. For about 2-3 years began to experience a thinning of hair on the head.

I think youthful appearance has to do more with the lifestyle, not the presence or absence of the balls, and is a cause for joy, not sorrow. I for example do not smoke, do not drink coffee and rarely drink alcohol (beer or wine). And rarely eat meat (except fish).

Lately I have been in a bit of a funk. I have felt depressed at times and have had issues with anger. There have been times when I've had screaming and cursing fits, which I don't usually do (especially the second thing). I have also been a lot road ragier than I usually am. I have never been a big fan of road rage, so I'm not too happy about that. Not too long ago I even felt suicidal for a bit, which rarely happens since I started my new line of work a couple years ago (before that it happened somewhat frequently), and my overall mood and outlook on life has been much better during the last couple of years.

I am not sure exactly what is going on, but it could be one or more of a number of things. This time of year is difficult for me in general since I don't work now, and my job is a major source of happiness for me. Speaking of work, career-related issues could also have something to do with it. I know without a doubt that working with kids is going to be my life's work, but the issue of just how I want to do it has popped up lately, and it's been creating a lot of stress for me. I also haven't had much success so far with trying to explore alternative options, which is upsetting me.

It is also possible that there could be something hormonal going on. A few months ago I started eating soy products to prevent osteo and some of the other negative effects of being without T. I experienced a lot of changes, and I suspected something hormone-related was going on. I cut out the soy, and the changes reversed themselves. I am experiencing now some of what I did back then, which causes me to wonder. But I'm not sure what could be causing hormone fluctuations this time since I am not knowingly eating anything that contains a lot of soy. The only thing I can think of is there is something I am eating that has more soy (or something else that affects hormone levels) than I am aware of.

erikboy (imported) wrote: Mon May 27, 2013 6:14 pm The child will love you exactly the same way as your genetical child would have been loved you.

That made me smile. Thank you

I'm approaching a year without HRT, and I can say the worst thing has to be this lack of energy. It's not so much that I don't have energy to do anything, but I get exhausted so easily when I am doing something. Just yesterday I was browsing a bookstore, and I became so tired that I had to sit down and rest. At work, I can't play with the kids for more than 30 seconds without feeling completely exhausted. I also feel tired throughout the day at work, but I do have a job that can be very exhausting, even more so than my previous job. Another thing is I seem to experience a lot more aches and pains than I remember getting in the past.

But as I've mentioned before, it's difficult to say if this is hormone-related or just a result of getting older (but I am only 28).

As far as my last post goes, my mood has improved a great deal since then I am pretty sure now that most of my issues back then were due to boredom. I am working again, although not at the same job I have been doing for the last couple of years. It is a similar job, and while I like it, I am not sure that I love it with every fiber of my being the way I did my last job. So I guess the only negative I am dealing with at the moment is confusion over whether to continue down this path or return to my last job, which I really miss. At this point I am trying to stay open-minded to both possibilities, the first being that my old job is really my true calling, even though making that job work financially would be extremely difficult and close to impossible, and the second possibility being that the new job will eventually grow on me and I will come to love it as much as I did the last one.

There is something I have been wondering about lately. My mother told me at one point that when I was younger, I apparently told my paternal grandmother that I was sexually abused by the man who lived with my family at the time and who was responsible for physical and emotional abuse that I experienced.

The strange thing is that I have no memory of telling her this, let alone the incident actually taking place. I have my doubts that it ever happened. While I did experience real abuse at the hands of this man, I was also known for making up stories about things he did to me or exaggerating what actually happened. For example, I claimed that he tried to drown me and that he locked me in a freezer. While I have memories of making these claims, I also know those incidents did not take place. When it comes to the sexual abuse claim, I don't even remember telling my grandmother that it happened.

The claim would obviously had to have been made after this man came into my life, and it was likely before I went to live with my maternal grandmother when I turned 10. So I would have told my paternal grandmother about this somewhere during the ages of 7-9. I have told therapists about this (I also tell them that I made it up because since I have no memory of it, I've always assumed that I did). The therapists have told me they don't believe I could have made it up. However, knowing what I do about myself, and also given the evidence that I have (making up stories about non-sexual things that he did to me), I certainly do believe that I could have made it up. But I'm not 100% sure that I did make it up. I think if I could at least remember telling my grandmother about it, it might help me decide if it was true.

The only thing I do remember him doing to me that could potentially be construed as sexual is that at least once as part of my "punishments" for bedwetting (which now I am pretty sure exacerbated rather than eliminated my bedwetting), he lied on top of me in my bed for what seemed like a long time. But I don't remember anything sexual taking place, and this did not seem to have anything to do with what I described to my grandmother.

Back then it was difficult for me to feel animosity toward him. I remember one night during one of these punishments that I told him through tears in the middle of a dark room that I was trying to love him but that he was making it hard. Now negative feelings toward him come a lot easier, and the challenge is learning to let them go.

I too was abused on two different occasions . Maybe it was less painful make up stories than describe the sexual acts. It took me a long time to deal with being penetrated and having ejaculate in my body