Peter47-NL (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 07, 2017 3:32 am At April 19th I'll have an intake for a therapy. It is about my sadness because of the suicide of a lover

I know how hard that can be, and I'm sorry that that had to happen to you. Even if it feels like it might be, it's not your fault. It takes a truly compassionate soul to stay with someone who is suicidal, regardless of what happens in the end. Try not to beat yourself over it. I'm sure you must be a really good person.

My condolences on your loss.

I am sorry to hear about your loss, Peter47-NL

Thank you for your friendly words. It has happened 11 months ago, but when they/we talk about him I still begin to cry and can hardly stop. I saw him as my last great love. My new house docter adviced me recently to talk with therapist. The way he killed himself was so horrible. A car crash in the middle of the night againt a pillar of a high way in such a way that it couldn't be an accident, it was on purpose.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_S9q1tTodQ

Today I visited my new GP (house doctor) to get a second hearing aid after a desastrouse double otitis media. We also talked about my psychological therapy cause by the suicide of my friend and that there was an other point about which I feel ashamed of to talk about: my desire for a castration. I started to say that is was about transgender. "Do you want to become a woman? " he asked. "No, more a fase in between: a eunuch." I said. "I'll help you with the referral letter for the VMmc Transgender team." I told him also that I have felt insane about my castration desire. "No, you are not insane, I don't see you that way, you are not an insane person. I know insane persons, you are not. It is good to talk with the people from the gender team." Thanks doc! Thank you very much!

Funny, but suddenly I see a relation between several facts in my life and the desire for castration. I was about 12 years old and we were with our family on a camping, sitting on the ground and eating. My father had his shorts on and wide underwear. I had a very good few on his hairy scrotum. This hairy scrotum gave me the feeling of a strong repulsion - disgusting!!!!

About the same age my father took me out for a walk and told me about sex. That night I have cryed all night. I was a product of such a dirty act.

Many years later, at university I did a test about dyslexia. I had no dyslexia but a disorder in spelling and some other disturbances, which were ample compensated by my very high IQ. AND the psychlogist told me also:"You don't know who you are. We don't know how your indentification with your father was."

My father wanted me to follow him in his footsteps, work and hobbys. I refused at first but "accepted" later.

Next month I'll attend a general briefing meeting for grown-ups with Genderdysfory by the Genderteam of the VUmc, Amsterdam.

There will be a global summary of the traject.

-The role of the nursing consultant, coordination and practical items.

-Diagnostic phase medical psychology,

-Social transition & Hormone-phase endocrinology,

-Transvision Care, Patients-organisation Transvision,

-Fertility, Gynaecology,

-Depilation,

-Surgical phase: summary genital adapting surgery, Plastic surgery,

-Questions and closing of the meeting.

Yesterday I was at this general briefing meeting. I was surprised by the number of people. The huge auditorium was almost completely full. It was very good that I went. A psychotherapist spoke so warmly, so the coldness made by my last therapist melted away. I look with optimism forward to my meeting with the doctor and nurse at March 8.

I'm telling more people about my contact and reason with the clinic. I use as first sentence simply: "My balls have to be cut off." That makes everyting clear in one simple line and I get surprised enthusiastic reactions, which surprises me at my turn.

Once most people get passed acting shocked or thinking they should appear shocked or afraid, most people, especially grown men, are very interested in learning about human castration. Usually people only hear jokes or brief mentions of castrated men. But never get to hear any serious facts or discussions about castrating men. Most men past 30 years old do want to learn more about castrating men and what happens when men get neutered and why.

I skiped the word Asexual from my profil about my sexual orientation. It used to be "Gay - Asexual" now it is just "Gay". I wished to be completely asexual and I had a very low sexdrive too, but not completely sexless. It was and is like some eunuchs tel about there sexlive, which is not complete sexless either: flacid shrunk penises, clear or almost clear cum, dry orgasms, cuddle with a very low frequency of the act.

Recently I found the male only Naked Parties again. It is amazing what can still be done with a weak shrunk dick. I've always said that you make sex with your whole body and mind.

Therefore was the word "Asexual" incorrect in my profile.