My moodiness has been especially intense lately. The ecstatic moods I mentioned in my previous post rarely make an appearance these days. Depressive episodes have become more intense and last longer.
I am wondering if perhaps I reduced the E dose too much. I am taking 2 mg daily, which based on previous lab work should place my levels around 75 pg/ml. This would be near the trough of a woman's cycle.
There is also the possibility that E itself could be the culprit, and that adding more would make these issues worse. Whether my moods were any better on T could certainly enjoy a good debate, but they were more stable. Some have mentioned in the past that I may need a combination of both E and T, and I also wonder if this may be true. Women tend to have more T than a castrated man.
Is it the hormones, winter, the job, the overwhelming financial problems I am burdened with, some combination of these, or something else entirely? Discovering the cause of my troubles is perhaps the most perplexing challenge of all.
Much of my presently pessimistic nature derives from fears over whether I have a future. Goodness knows I am unhappy with my job, but I do not know what to do about it. Obviously I need a source of income to pay the bills. But I do not know what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. Some people can be content with a job provided it supplies enough money to do what they please in their free time. I, however, need personal fulfillment in a job in order to be happy.
If I were honest with myself, I would admit that what I want to do with my life is to be a professional writer. This is what I have always dreamed of from an early age. I haven't actually written much of anything lately (minus a short story I wrote for a college creative writing class, not since high school), but the dream has always lingered. I've thought about it many times throughout the years and have mentioned it to many people. I am not sure why I stopped writing, but I am disappointed in myself for having done so. Back when I did write, I wrote frequently, and I loved it. I still have most of what I wrote back then. I was not a great writer, but I almost certainly would be a better writer had I stuck with it all these years. I have mentioned thinking about writing since stopping, but this time is probably one of the most intense tries to motivate myself to do it seriously again.
On a brighter note, I am preparing for a cross-country journey this weekend. I depart on Saturday for California, my original home. I am especially excited about this trip. I have been trying to find a way to make it home for some time now, and I am glad to finally have an opportunity. I have to decided to drive because one of the major reasons for my visit will be to haul most of what remains at my grandmother's back home with me. I have a small car and may not be able to take as much as I hope, but I will certainly be able to take more than I would had I flown or chosen some other method of transportation
I do have concerns about my car given its mileage of 113,000. But the car has always been reliable. Before I hit the road, I plan on having it tuned up. Wish me luck!
