Today was another day of the physical dysphoria creeping in. It was a day when I saw my male self in the mirror and wished he could be seen in more than just my mind. I’ve pretty much accepted most of what comes along with the eunuch life. The low energy bothers me, but it isn’t something I can’t handle. This was also a day with aches and pains, but as long as every day isn’t one of those, I should be OK. What I am still having trouble with is the not looking like a man thing.

Oh, am I glad I got rid of that T last year! I did it because I knew this would happen. If I still had the T, chances are high I would have taken it again, and I know that isn’t what I need. Despite my discomfort with my appearance, I know that I need to embrace the new me instead of running from him. The good news is my insurance denied coverage for my new T prescription, and for me that was further confirmation that this is what is meant to be.

I suppose I could share a few non-eunuch related updates After about four years of living in the big city, I have decided it’s time to move back to the town I started in when I first came to Ohio. I guess after a while you get tired of city living and want to try something different. Now the city I am moving to is still relatively sizeable, but it is nowhere near the size of where I live now. It should give me a nice balance of open spaces and the proper amenities. Living there will make it feasible to work in more rural locations while keeping me close enough to the big city to drive there for work if I need to.

I have always thought I would spend my life living in many different parts of the country. Now that I have gotten a taste of four seasons, I can’t see ever moving back to Southern California. One of the advantages of my line of work is that I can move pretty much anywhere and find work without much difficulty

I already have a place in my “new” city, and one of the great things about it is that I live just down the street from some recreational trails, which leaves me pretty happy since I can be quite the outdoors enthusiast. Today I went to my new place (I also have the old one through the end of the month) to drop off some things, and I decided to make the short drive to the trail. I was mesmerized by its beauty even when the world is still mostly winter-looking (but I did notice the first signs of life, which got me excited). There is something so peaceful and wonderful about spending time in nature. I can tell this is a place I will enjoy spending a great deal of time this summer.

My other non-eunuch related update (or is it?) is that I have recently been giving some consideration to adopting a pet. I am wondering if this is because of hormonal changes, particularly my sudden interest in possibly getting a dog. I have never considered myself a dog person and always thought I would have a cat if I ever had a pet. But lately I have been wanting a dog for some reason and have been thinking of dogs with a lot more affection than I used to. Fortunately this new place does allow pets, so it is an option if it turns into something I decide to pursue.

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Mar 26, 2014 8:36 am I always enjoy reading your posts. My greatest wish for you is one day you can find where you are happiest on the male to female continuum. There is peace in being your genuine self and one day you will have the answer.

Thanks so much for your support!

plix (imported) wrote: Mon Apr 07, 2014 4:20 pm My other non-eunuch related update (or is it?) is that I have recently been giving some consideration to adopting a pet. I am wondering if this is because of hormonal changes, particularly my sudden interest in possibly getting a dog. I have never considered myself a dog person and always thought I would have a cat if I ever had a pet. But lately I have been wanting a dog for some reason and have been thinking of dogs with a lot more affection than I used to. Fortunately this new place does allow pets, so it is an option if it turns into something I decide to pursue.

Thanks so much for your support!

Remember how much Corky likes you. Dogs are more work than cats but what great company on all your walks. Corky is a chick magnet. Bad Corky! Seriously dogs can really break the ice with other dog owners. You can not help but meet people.

Oh and I also wanted to suggest visiting the local Humane Society. When you adopt a dog it has been either spayed or neutered, given all of it's shots, tested for heartworm and a bag of dog food to start you out. You can visit them many times as you decide on a dog. They are very friendly there and I am one of the friendly volunteers. You may also want to consider a dog a year or two old instead of a puppy. Puppies have small bladders and are more apt to have wetting accidents if you are working an 8 hour day. I have a crate you can borrow if you want to crate train the dog while at work. Corky has the run of your old bedroom while I am gone so you may not need it long. Some dogs will choose to go in their crates as their personal space so once you let it out just leave the door open.

They have a fun adoption process and you are listed as the pet parent. I was pleased that they did not use terms like owner or master but parent. Cause I love my boy. Similar to the adoption process at Build A Bear but your dog is already full of life. You do have to apply to adopt and list references and of course I would be one. Do keep in mind the additional costs of food, vet visits, medications and most importantly a large selection of treats. Dogs are nice to sleep with and to spoil.

tugon (imported) wrote: Tue Apr 08, 2014 7:30 am Oh and I also wanted to suggest visiting the local Humane Society. When you adopt a dog it has been either spayed or neutered, given all of it's shots, tested for heartworm and a bag of dog food to start you out. You can visit them many times as you decide on a dog. They are very friendly there and I am one of the friendly volunteers. You may also want to consider a dog a year or two old instead of a puppy. Puppies have small bladders and are more apt to have wetting accidents if you are working an 8 hour day. I have a crate you can borrow if you want to crate train the dog while at work. Corky has the run of your old bedroom while I am gone so you may not need it long. Some dogs will choose to go in their crates as their personal space so once you let it out just leave the door open.

They have a fun adoption process and you are listed as the pet parent. I was pleased that they did not use terms like owner or master but parent. Cause I love my boy. Similar to the adoption process at Build A Bear but your dog is already full of life. You do have to apply to adopt and list references and of course I would be one. Do keep in mind the additional costs of food, vet visits, medications and most importantly a large selection of treats. Dogs are nice to sleep with and to spoil.

I've looked into the Humane Society and am thinking about paying a visit some time soon. It sounds like probably the best option for adoption. One thing I will have to consider as part of my decision is that in addition to the costs you mentioned, I will need to pay a non-refundable pet fee and a monthly pet rent to my landlord. I would expect the initial costs of getting a dog (including adoption fee, landlord fee, and other items) to be several hundred dollars. I suppose that for the right dog it could all be worth it

Thanks for all your help and advice!

Warning: This post discusses material of a sensitive nature, that being my personal religious/spiritual beliefs. Some people may find the content offensive.

I went to church on Sunday morning for the first time in many years. I visited a Catholic church once about five years ago, and other than that I have not attended church since I was 18. A friend from work invited me to go with her family, and I thought it would be an interesting experience, so I did it. Not much has changed since I attended regularly during my childhood. They still start the service with a worship session, still pass around a collection plate to ask for money, still finish by having the pastor deliver a sermon, and still have a few prayers in between.

I grew up as a Protestant. I went to church from an early age and considered myself a spiritual person. At various times I was interested in ministry as a career. The earliest church I can remember going to was a Nazarene church. I don’t have many memories of this church. The only clear one is of the pastor talking with me about one of the many moves I would experience as a child. It wasn’t long after the move that my family started going to the church I spent most of my pre-adolescent childhood in, a Vineyard church. It was here I met many of the people I remember most from my childhood. I also officially became “saved” (as Christians would describe it) for the first time at this church when I was about 7. I was sort of baptized here, but since I was terrified of going underwater at the time (I was a fearful child, so unfortunately this was only one of many things I was afraid of), the pastor simply sprinkled some water on my forehead from the shallow end of a swimming pool, so I don’t know if that counts.

It was at this church that my questioning of religion would show its earliest signs. I remember asking around age 9 or so about the Big Bang Theory (I think I read about it in a book I owned at the time) and the Sunday school teacher telling me that it was false.

While I was confused, I accepted her answer and remained a pretty spiritual person. One of the people I remember most from this church was a man who became a good friend of mine (I tended to have older friends as a child). I would always talk to him about spiritual matters. He died from cancer at an early age, so he was only in my life for a few years. After his death I imagined him being in Heaven. I once had a dream that I visited Heaven and woke up crying because I didn’t get to see him.

For some reason (I either don’t know or can’t remember why), we stopped going to that church not long after his death. By this time I was living with my grandmother, and while she says she is religious, she has never been a big churchgoer. About a year later we started going to a Baptist church. Out of all the churches we went to (except I can’t remember much about the Nazarene church), this one seemed the most conservative. The dress code was on the formal side. From what I understand, they are the reason my mother married that man she lived with – apparently they told her it was a sin for them to live together unmarried and they needed to fix it. I remember the pastor as being a likeable guy. I was formally baptized by him (completely underwater this time). The only thing I didn’t like was that he wasn’t interested in helping me understand the deeper questions I had about the Bible. I was pretty interested in learning about the messages in Revelation, and he said that wasn’t applicable to most people’s daily lives so he probably wouldn’t address it.

I think the main reason my grandmother went to this church was so that she could do things for my mother on Sundays, and eventually we stopped going to this one as well. I didn’t attend church much during my early teens, but I read the Bible, prayed, and generally considered myself religious. I did visit a church a few times with a friend and remember at one point getting “saved” once again because I felt I had strayed too far from the path. I also went to a Christian summer camp when I was 14. When I was 17, I had my strongest religious period. I ended up no longer watching certain TV shows that I enjoyed and stopped playing a game that I liked to play because I believed they were sins. It was also then that I started going to church regularly again with a friend who invited me. Out of all the pastors I had, the one at this church was probably my favorite. He took the time to talk with me when I had questions either through e-mail or through visits in person. He was also willing to address some of the “deeper” questions that I had and even introduced me to some issues I hadn’t previously considered such as the possible gap between Genesis 1:1 and Genesis 1:2.

About the time I turned 18 is when everything changed. I don’t exactly remember what prompted it, but suddenly I became interested in researching possible contradictions in the Bible. The more I researched, the more holes I found, both in the Bible and in the Christian religion as a whole. I remember one night while I was reading some material on the Internet saying to myself “It’s not true, is it?” I soon officially declared myself an atheist, and then was when the real fun began. The time between when I graduated from high school and started college was my most atheistic phase – I call it my “hardcore atheist” phase. I was convinced that religion was evil and that my job was to turn every religious person into an atheist. I continued going to church, and I was still welcomed even though the pastor knew I had become an atheist. I mostly went because I got some sort of satisfaction out of knowing that I didn’t believe those silly things that the people there believed and that I knew the truth.

The interesting thing was that when I first became an atheist, my younger brother was still Christian and debated me about the existence of God. He was firmly convinced that God existed, and none of my arguments were swaying him at first. During this time in my life I was unusually logical, and since my brother has always been pretty logical, I was eventually able to get to him by using logical arguments against God’s existence. Although he argued for the existence of God with me at first, he soon began arguing fiercely against God’s existence and became one of the most hardcore atheists I know. He has always been much more confrontational than I have and would argue very aggressively with religious people while I might only interject the occasional point and would drop it after that. He, on the other hand, could argue those same points for hours. The way I look at it is I basically turned him atheist, and if there is some sort of punishment/reward system in the afterlife, I figure there is some punishment waiting for me for doing that. I of course haven’t spoken to him in years and don’t know that he is still atheist, but given that he is far more logical than I am and doesn’t have that same emotional need to believe in something that I have discovered in myself, I think it is safe to say he is still a pretty hardcore atheist.

My time as an atheist was also one of the darkest times in my life. This was when I wrote most of my poetry and short stories centered around death and suicide. I also developed some of my most pessimistic philosophies during this period. When I became atheist, I thought life was pretty meaningless, and I truly believed that death was what I wanted. I even wrote a suicide note to my family with some pretty disturbing things like telling them death was a great thing and that they should be happy for me that I died.

Near the end of that summer my emotional side finally regained control, and while I still considered myself atheist, I stopped trying to turn other people into atheists. I realized that religion made people happy, and if something like that could make a person happy, who was I to take it away from them? I wouldn’t fully appreciate this until reading the book “An Atheist Defends Religion” many years later. It was then that I realized what a beautiful thing religion is and all of the good it has done for humanity.

The person who convinced me to give religion another chance during my first year of college was my mother’s new boyfriend. He believed in a brand of Christianity that went much deeper than anything you would ever hear in church. I remember he told me “I knew Christianity went deeper; I just didn’t know where to find it.” He did have a few strange and possibly psychotic beliefs – probably the strangest was that he would live forever. But he didn’t seem psychotic at all outside of these peculiar beliefs, and because I was always attracted to the deeper aspects of spirituality, I suddenly became very interested in what he had to say. While he was open to sharing with me at first, he eventually felt I wasn’t making enough progress and concluded this wasn’t “meant” for me and stopped talking to me about it. He did however always believe it was meant for my mother and would continue sharing with her until he died from lung cancer (he was a smoker but apparently thought nothing would happen to him since he was supposed to live forever). When he died in 2008, I decided once again that religion couldn’t be true since if he was wrong, how could the more traditional, shallow Christianity be true? While I now recognize that his beliefs were clearly wrong and he was possibly a bit psychotic (though I think any psychosis would have been very mild since he seemed normal outside of these beliefs), I still think he was an admirable man and probably among the truest of Christians I have known. He lived simply with few possessions, felt the inside is what counts most, and felt it was wrong to cheat even in ways that most people cheat all the time and think nothing of.

Since 2008, I have come to the conclusion that atheism doesn’t work for me. There is still a logical portion of me saying that atheism is the truth and I just can’t accept that, so I suppose it could just be that my emotional side is winning, but it is what it is, and I have accepted I am hardwired to believe in something. I don’t know exactly what that something is. Since I was raised Christian, I guess the Christian version of that something is the easiest for me to conceptualize. When I pray, I tend to think of the Christian God.

I do find it difficult to believe that only one religion could be correct. I tend to think that all religions are a path to whatever might be out there. I think of the Christian version of ultimate reality because it is what I was taught, but for someone who grew up Hindu, that version of ultimate reality would be what they think of. We all grow up under different circumstances, and different cultures have different ideas of what God is, but to quote one of my favorite books, The Secret Garden: “It isn’t like us poor fools as think it matters if us is called out of our names.”

There are a couple of things about Christianity that trouble me. The first is that many Christians seem to be Sunday Christians only. They go to church on Sunday and act like it matters a great deal to them, but after leaving church it doesn’t cross their mind again until next Sunday. I’ve always thought that if you are Christian (or any other religion), it should be something that is a part of all areas of your life rather than just once a week.

The other troublesome thing is that I think works do matter. A lot of Christians seem to think that all you have to do is believe in Jesus and after that you are covered and can do whatever you want. I think that actions matter as well, and one thing I like about the denomination of this church I went to on Sunday is that it seems to place an emphasis on works (but I still know very little about the denomination). For now I think I will go to this church again, and we will see where this leads me.

Use whatever helps you find peace. My only suggestion is to attend a church with a minister who is truly educated in Theology. I would encourage a mainstream denomination and avoid some of the fringe groups. We have a cult like church in the area that is a little frightening.

Somewhere, Jesus said simething along the lines: The law is summarised as love God with all your heart, soul mind and strength and

....

Love your neighbour as yourself.

Kinda simple, I try to follow this way....loving myself is the hard bit!

One of the continuing sources of negativity in my life is the deep feelings of resentment I have for my family, particularly my parents. It has only been recently that I have realized just how deep that resentment runs.

I don’t even know if calling them parents is appropriate. They certainly never did much parenting. My father left my mother, my brother, and me for another woman when I was 4. Although he would often promise that he was coming to visit, he rarely actually did. I think that is why to this day I am still stung so deeply when someone makes a promise to me and then breaks it while probably thinking nothing of it. I haven’t seen him in over 8 years, I haven’t spoken to him in about 6 years, and the last time I heard from him at all was through a very brief e-mail he sent me about a year and a half ago. I didn’t reply. I used to reply back before I realized that when I did, he would send me one more e-mail and then nothing more after I would reply again.

I don’t expect he will try to contact me again. I have mixed feelings about that. It hurts because more than anything in the world I want a father, but on the other hand, if this is who I get, then I don’t really care if I ever hear from again. What is most concerning though is that deep down I know that he and I are probably more alike than I would ever hope for. I look exactly like him (or at least I did before the castration), and I was always told I acted like him as well.

My mother is no better. Although she was at least in the picture until I was 10, she was a poor excuse for a mother. She allowed a man to move into our home, and when that man became abusive toward me, she did nothing to stop the problem. She even participated in it on occasion. When she was in court when I was 10 to decide where I would go to live, she blamed me for her problems. She never calls me or shows any kind of interest in my life. I decided long ago that I will never call her again. If she ever wants to talk to me, she will have to call me. So far she hasn’t, and I doubt she ever will. The only contact we seem to have now is a simple greeting on Facebook for birthdays and holidays, and I have decided she isn’t worth even doing that anymore. I am always the one who has tried to maintain the relationship, and she has made it very clear she isn’t interested.

It appears that she is training my sister well. I have also tried to maintain a relationship with my sister by calling her, but she hasn’t shown any interest. The one time she did contact me was a month ago to ask me for some money for her 18th birthday. She didn’t even call – she just sent me a Facebook message asking me for money. I tried to dodge the question at first. I enjoy giving and would have been happy to give her a gift for her birthday if we had any kind of relationship. But I don’t feel particularly inclined to give her anything when she just contacts me out of nowhere asking for money after not contacting me for a long time prior to that. When she persisted, I eventually told her that finances were tight and that maybe she would get something for her graduation (I doubt she will). Yes, she is turning into my mother.

I am more interested in a relationship with my brother than with my parents. However, like my parents, he does not seem interested in a relationship with me. I suspect that like me he has written off contact with the family. I have tried calling him and letting him know he can call me anytime, but he never does. It’s a shame because I often think that in some ways he and I are all each other has. We are similar in many ways (but also different in other ways), and we both experienced the same difficult background in our childhoods. We were pretty close as children, but once he made the choice to return to live with our mother and that man, we drifted apart, and it’s been that way since. I often think about him and wonder how he is doing, but I don’t know that he thinks about me (he probably doesn’t).

It can be hard when I am around other families that actually act like families. I have noticed this lately when I have been spending time with a friend from work and her family (the one who invited me to church). They are wonderful people, and it is clear their family is very loving and close. That whole concept is completely foreign to me. I have never known what it is like to have a family like that. Most people do and cannot relate to how I feel. They are surprised when I tell them my family is not close. But it does no good to dwell on negative feelings in situations like that. Instead of feeling bad because I didn’t have a family like that, I try to feel happy for those kids because they have such great, loving parents. When you come from a difficult background, feeling joy for other people’s fortune rather than resentment for your own misfortune may be the best solution.

Yes from all you have shared you did not grow up in a healthy nurturing home. I guess that is why I am impressed with how well you are doing on your own. Work through the anger and resentment and then start choosing your family. Family does not have to be biologically related. Find others who can give you what you missed. Sounds like you have some kind folks in your life right now. Model their behaviors and try to be less like your family not that you are. Friends are chosen and family is a crap shoot.

I know you have done much for your family. I know they have done little for you. You no longer owe them anything. It is time to look out for yourself. If you have spare money and sending it to them makes you feel good then what the hell. Otherwise let them fend for themselves.

I share many feelings about family but I am glad you let yourself see the joy in a good family. That tells me the resentment is not overwhelming you. Sometimes resentment is so strong you can be angered by joy and love. Do not give up hope that you will have that joy, love and peace. Bad example has taught you how to have a good family.

I have long suspected, and other non-professionals have suggested, that I may have Asperger’s Syndrome. There are a number of reasons for my suspicion. The poor social skills and the feeling that there is a social situations rulebook that everyone but me has read, my tendency to be self-absorbed and have problems with giving and taking in conversations, my tendency to fixate, my religious subscription to routine, and my poor eye contact (This one was a much greater issue when I was younger than it is now. In fact, I recently had someone tell me that I have good eye contact, which would have shocked anyone who knew me as a child, but sometimes it can still be a problem, especially with strangers).

However, the number one reason that leads me to suspect Asperger’s is those symptoms combined with my strange, autistic-like movements such as body rocking, jumping, and hand/arm flapping. When I was very young I would do these things freely no matter where I was, but I was shamed for them by family members. My grandfather called it “jumping around.” He would often say “Stop your jumping around.” My grandmother told me I would be thought of as gay for it. Over time I learned not to do these things around other people, and I now only do them when I am alone. When I am in private, they can still occur frequently.

While I have never been professionally diagnosed, my own research and suggestions of others lead me to believe that Asperger’s is a strong possibility. I believe that I fit the DSM criteria for Asperger’s (although from what I understand, it no longer exists in the most recent edition). Several friends, including a couple of people from work who are in the special education field, told me they think I have it. One of them said she would “eat her hat” if I didn’t have it. The only doubt she mentioned was my good eye contact, but I think that is another thing I have learned to do over the years, even though it is still hard with strangers as I mentioned. The one time I did attempt to discuss it with a professional, a psychiatrist, she didn’t seem the least bit concerned. Of course I was vague and only mentioned “strange movements.” I did not specifically mention Asperger’s.

There are some people who doubt that an INFP can have Asperger’s. Admittedly, it does seem to be more of an NT thing. However, I can’t seem to think of anything else that would describe that combination of symptoms, and there are other INFPs who have reported diagnoses of Asperger’s or at least suspect they have it.

There are also those who would doubt that a P can have Asperger’s. It definitely seems more correlated with a J personality. There are times when I have wondered if I might actually be J since I do seem to love routine so much. For example, I tend to eat the same foods for meals, I tend to park in the same place whenever I go to a store, and I tend to follow a rigid schedule in many ways. However, while some define the difference between J and P in terms of how much routine and structure is present in one’s life, I have always thought the original definition focused on decision-making – whether you prefer closure or whether you want your options to remain open. In that sense, I am a very strong P. I hate to make decisions and prefer to put them off as long as possible. I am a major procrastinator. My interests are all over the place, and I am much better at starting projects than I am at completing them. These things tend to suggest a P personality. Perhaps it is the Asperger’s that gives me the love of routine and structure even though I am P. Maybe other Ps with Asperger’s have similar tendencies.

If it is possible for an NF to have Asperger’s, I wonder how it might manifest differently in an NF compared to an NT. There is a boy at work who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s (he is also probably an NT of some kind), and he sometimes has outbursts where he starts rambling about something and crying. I don’t remember ever having outbursts like that as a child. I was always pretty quiet and reserved with my emotions. He also loves to talk about his “company” that he has made himself CEO of. He will often “fire” his peers who are “working” for him because they have upset him in some way. I would have never had an interest in being the CEO of a company when I was younger. In fact, I once had a friend who told me she thought I would be a CEO someday, and while I am sure she meant it as a compliment, I considered it an insult. Also, those who have Asperger’s (and are usually NT) are often said to be interested in logic and math. I have very little interest in those subjects.

One possible way to reconcile my possible Asperger’s with being NF instead of NT is to look at my head. The right side of my face has always been noticeably larger than my left side. I have often thought that it might be reasonable to assume the right side of my brain could be bigger than the left. Since the right side of the brain is often associated with feeling and emotion, could this be the reason why I have Asperger’s but am INFP?

In addition to NF vs NT differences for those with Asperger’s, another topic of curiosity for me is how the INFP personality might manifest itself differently in those with and without Asperger’s.