Nothing better than nerd jokes

[Dave (imported)]

>>really now, a motherlode of nerd jokes...

>>

>>

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got 'em!"

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get scrod?" The driver replies, "I've heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's “0”K now.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light" -- -- I object to this “joke” on the grounds that photons experience no time within their own reference frame and therefore could not possibly respond. The best they could do is give a wave.

>>Political humor for the masses of great unwashed out there just waiting to revolt.

Your mother is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia

Lenin’s tomb is a commie plot

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None; the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Rene Descartes walked in to a bar. Barkeep asks " Do you want a drink?" Descartes says "I think not," and poof. He's gone.

People often accuse me of "stealing others jokes" and being "a plagiarist". Their words not mine...

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

I hear Heisenberg and his wife are having problems; When he has the time, he doesn't have the energy, and when he has the position, he can't get the momentum.

"We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.

>>this is a loooooooooooooooooooo-ong one:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

[Dave (imported)]

>>None of my friends laugh at this but I think it's hysterical.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

[Riverwind (imported)]

Dave you need to find some new friends, ones with a sense of humor, that was funny.

River

[Sweetpickle (imported)]

Disgusting as it is I actually understood those jokes.

[Dave (imported)]

He said: I have trouble with math jokes

She said: Seriously? Is it because you can't differentiate them? Or is it because they aren't an integral part of your life?

He said: Yeah, Sometimes, they just don't add up.

{rimshot}

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

And Dave gets this week's "I have amused Flo" award. --FLO--

[Riverwind (imported)]

Where is Andrew when you want him?

River

[Sweetpickle (imported)]

Why did the lesbian plant a ginko tree at her spa?

because it was a gymnosperm.

yuk yuk yuk

[Dave (imported)]

I also know musician jokes:

What's perfect pitch on a viola?

--About 25 feet with the seat up...

How do you get a violist to play vibrato?

--mark the passage "solo"

A first trombonist calls up the office and asks to speak to the conductor - El Maestro - a man of prodigious ego.

"I'm sorry to tell you but El Maestro has passed away," the secretary tells him. AAnd they hang up.

Five minutes later, the trombonist calls back and asks a second time if he can speak to "El Maestro" ...

Again the secretary tells him that the conductor has passed away.

Another few minutes pass and the phone rings again. The secretary picks it up in fear.

It's the trombonist asking if he can speak to the conductor.

"But sir," she says, "I've told you that "El Maestro" died last night. HE says OK and hangs up.

Not more than two minutes later, the trombonist rings the phone. The secretary sees caller ID and gets livid.

like angry livid at the sheer stupidity and cruelty going on.

She picks up the phone, very angry and says:

"Hey shot head, Your boss died last night!"

and she hears the trombonist sobbing and crying:

"Yes, but it sounds so good, I want to hear it over and over again!"

[Dave (imported)]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?

A stick.

You know you’re a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs…the tallest ones, anyway.

You might be a computer nerd if you can’t get up in the middle of the night to go use the bathroom without checking your email!