there's a biological weapon in my Duffel Bag

[Dave (imported)]

>>These guys have too much fun on this website.

>>This is the military version of THE ONION

>>I think a ship named the "Moulin Rouge" is just darling...

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Marine Unit Forced Back From Sea Deployment After Encountering Biological Weapon

http://www.duffelblog.com/2013/05/marin ... al-weapon/

USS MOULIN ROUGE (LHD-9) — The 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit is being forced to return two months early from its deployment to the western Pacific after suffering the highest percentage of non-combat related casualties in American history, officials reported Monday.

With 93 percent of Marines bedridden and unfit for duty, the MEU was recalled after being deemed combat ineffective.

“Life on this ship is worse than Iraq,” said one Marine, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Seaman Jessica Roberts is being charged with treason and possession of a biological weapon after medical officials determined the sailor to be responsible for the most atrocious case of blue-on-green assault to date. Roberts, known by colleagues as the “Marine Trampoline,” pled guilty to 1,907 counts of fornication, lewd behavior and dereliction of duty, though firmly attesting she had “no idea [her] vagina was capable of that.”

Blood and urine samples collected from infected Marines and patient zero were sent to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for analysis — revealing the abhorrent amalgamation of countless venereal diseases in the form of an abomination scientists could only dub “Super AIDS.”

“The symptoms appear to be congruent with those of other sexually-transmitted infections,” said Dr. James Weeder. “But the compounding nature of Super AIDS pretty much makes it the worst thing you could ever possibly want inside of your dick.”

Hospital Corpsman Second Class Joshua Gibson performed the initial examination on Roberts. Describing the sailor’s nether region as a “weapon of mass destruction,” Gibson told reporters, “it was like … an unholy union between the Sarlaac and the Eye of Sauron… It was… it was… ” At this point, Gibson broke down and was reduced to unintelligible blather.

Gibson’s superiors later divulged that he will be processed out of the Navy for severe post-traumatic stress.

When investigators questioned how something so horrendous could go unnoticed for so long, they interrogated Roberts’ immediate supervisor. “That chick could skate like a champion,” said the anonymous Chief. “It was never too hard to find her, though. You just had to find a line of Marines who weren’t waiting for chow.”

Col. Jim Grossman was startled by his Marines’ actions.

“Here we are, standing watch in hostile waters, a bastion of freedom and democracy, ready to defend our country at a moment’s notice, and the only beachhead my Marines assaulted was this sailor’s cooch,” said Grossman. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Chesty himself descended from Valhalla and ripped all their dicks off before bludgeoning them to death with their own junk. Honestly, though, they’ll probably fall off first. I hear that Super AIDS is some seriously fucked up shit.”

Moulin Rouge’s Commanding Officer, Capt. Wes Furlong, proved to be more sympathetic to the plight of the Marines. “We will never forget the service members who lost their members in Iwo ‘Gina.”

The Department of Defense announced its intent to launch a revamped sexual education campaign in the wake of Super AIDS.

Although Roberts’ fate is pending court-martial, sailors and unaffected Marines alike are silently hailing her as an antihero for their early homecoming.

As one Corporal bluntly stated, “Dude, WESTPAC blows.”

[Dave (imported)]

>>Here's another one. A terribly funny one.

>>These guys are definitely having too much fun with themselves...

>>oh wait isn't that the point of being a guy-- masturbation

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Casualty Team Stuck Notifying Family Of Marine Who Died Masturbating

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/08/casua ... turbating/

NORFOLK, VA — Staff Sergeant Jonathan Barber knows that the job of a Casualty Assistance Calls Officer (CACO) is one of the toughest in the military.

When a service member dies overseas, a special CACO Team is assembled to go break the news to the family of the deceased and then help them through the aftermath and funeral.

“While there’s a lot of sadness involved, you can take some solace in knowing that you’re helping fallen comrades get the respect which they deserve,” Staff Sergeant Barber said.

Of course that was before Barber got the call to notify a Virginia family that their son had died while masturbating in a porta-john in Afghanistan.

Staff Sergeant Barber called The Duffel Blog as he and his CACO Team were en route to meet with the Marine’s family.

“Seriously, what the hell am I going to say when they ask how their son died?” Staff Sergeant Barber asked.

“I could say it was in a non-combat incident, but the moment VMU-2 is off River City [Reduced Communications status], it’s going to be all over the news.”

The deceased Marine was a member of Marine Unmanned Aerial Vehicle Squadron 2 (VMU-2) at Camp Leatherneck in Afghanistan, and was found dead this afternoon in a porta john in a state of obvious sexual arousal.

The initial medical investigation was that the Marine died of masturbatory overexertion compounded by heat exhaustion from the triple-digit temperature.

His name is being withheld until his family is notified, but TDB has learned it rhymes with “Tater”.

“His commanding officer told me the Marine wasn’t even masturbating to porn in there. It was just a video of some Serbian guy hitting women with a shovel,” complained Staff Sergeant Barber. ”Oh Jesus! His father’s a retired General too!”

“Remember when that one father set fire to the CACO team’s van?” asked CACO Member Corporal Chris Zia. “That’s the only way this could get worse.”

“No,” replied Staff Sergeant Barber. “Remember when that one guy stepped on the 300 lbs pressure plate IED meant to take out a tank? Every time they found a body part we had to go back and notify his family.”

“Oh yeah,” said Corporal Zia. “I swear to God, we were over there for the next two months.”

“‘Sorry to bother you again, but we just found your son’s left big toe.’”

In a related story, the Supply Officer for VMU-2 is soliciting ideas for what sort of letter he should include with the deceased Marine’s possessions, which include a terabyte of explicit pornography, two fleshlights, and a string of anal beads.

[Paolo]

Biological weapons have also been noted at various MOM events, too.

Uncle Flo can attest to this, I am sure.

[Dave (imported)]

Uncle Flo's a trampoline?