I've been very open telling people who I am as a transgendered person. Today at lunch, I almost overdid it. A fellow student at a software training class and I were having a great conversation over lunch at a Chinese restaurant. I was feeling very tempted to tell W (not THAT W) who I am, that is, let him know my transgender identity.

There would have been no purpose served in telling him. I suspect I'm still dealing with some hypomania problems. I was feeling a little too excited at the thought of telling him my news.

Over the last several months, I've come out of the transgender closet to quite a few people at work and friends outside work. I always make it clear that being transgendered does not mean I'm male to female. I almost always talk about feeling not male. Knowing how people often don't want to deal with the facts put in front of them, I sometimes wonder how many then make the logical connection of 'not male' with eunuch. For the people that I'm closest to, both at work and away from the office, I've made the facts clear so they know I mean eunuch.

I've wanted to tell my immediate family about my transgender ID. My niece already knows. I told her on a trip to the Dallas area in early November. That wasn't a good time to also tell her brother and parents. It was a celebration weekend. My nephew was becoming an Eagle scout. My niece couldn't care less about the Eagle scout business, so I knew telling her wouldn't take away from the weekend. Telling the rest of the Dallas-area relatives would have.

She took the news very well, as I knew she would. She and I have a lot in common in our basic outlook on people and in our sensitivities. She told me her mother would pretty quickly be OK with the news but it would take my brother a little longer. She thought up to a week:)

From my experience with them when I came out as gay, however, I think it likely that her parents' adaptation times will be reversed. I know they'll be OK with it before long.

I'm not quite as sure with my nephew, although I suspect he'll be OK after some time to think about it.

Then there's my religiously conservative California brother. He had some trouble dealing with my coming out as gay. He's gotten gotten beyond that to the extent that we know we still love each other. Perhaps it won't take him quite as long with my transgender identity.

I want to tell them soon. The problem is, my preferred method would be to speak to them in person. It will be months before I'm in Texas again. I'll probably visit my middle brother in early May.

None of my family (except me! ) likes to talk on the phone. I find this incomprehensible but I accept it.

I'll likely send an email. Before I send anything, I want to think carefully about the best way to write the message. It probably needs to be fairly short (if you're reading this, you know this may be a challenge for me! - I can do it if I work at it ). I might wait for them to respond once they're comfortable with the idea. OTOH, I wonder if I should let them know that I'll call them in perhaps a week to answer questions or discuss concerns.

This is the most difficult part of my transition so far. I want to be sensitive about their feelings. This will be big news to them. There's no point in waiting longer to tell them, though, as nothing is going to change. I can't imagine that they will reject me. They never have. That thought's still in the back of my mind, though.

I don't want to visit them again before letting them know. I can't pretend in front of anyone important to me.

To top it off, I also need to let them know I've been diagnosed as Bipolar-II (hypomania instead of mania). This is a potentially dangerous condition. It might run in the family.

Then there's the added news of my recent diagnosis of osteoporosis and extremely low vitamin D level. Problems with vitamin D metabolism might also run in the family and they deserve to know this.

Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed by all this. That bothers me. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, how are they going to feel?

You must keep in mind that even though you are concerned about THEIR feelings, yours are paramount to the issue. Chips then may fall wherever when you tell them in the manner you choose. Follow your comfort level with your good sense, lay it out carefully for maximal understanding, yet brevity, and let them have it. Most likely, I would suspect, they may make the subconscious connection you suggested about assuming M2F, and assume this is a stopping point along the way. Let them have their comfort zone for the time being, then time will bring clarity.

That seems to be the method I see many follow, and have myself with being gay, being a eunuch, and being a nut case.

Good wishes and good luck.

Kristoff,

Your advice makes a lot of sense and I really appreciate it.

kristoff's advice is very good indeed.

I have only told two family members myself. My son, that was a lot more difficult for me than him. He's 17 and one of those "open minded" young people we are (thankfully) seeing more of today. He just paused and said wow! Then, without missing a beat said "I love you Dad." And we continue as before, nothing different in our relationship. I also told an open minded cousin and he is very understanding as well. Now for the immediate family (Mum and the siblings) I have not even a clue when I might tell them, if I tell them at all.

Good luck.

Kristoff has good suggestions. You may be thinking about giving them too much information at one time. Maybe you should go with the transgender information first and leave the bi-polar/osteo/ vitamin revelations for later. Let them absorb the most important first. --FLO--

Uncle Flo (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 23, 2008 7:23 am Kristoff has good suggestions. You may be thinking about giving them too much information at one time. Maybe you should go with the transgender information first and leave the bi-polar/osteo/ vitamin revelations for later. Let them absorb the most important first. --FLO--

Good notion.

When I told mine, I just dropped it on the way out the door. Mom called me later and we had a good chat. When I told em I was nuts, they just said we already knew that - no big deal. (BTW, I am also BiPolar-I)

Maybe I should use that line "I'm a nut with no nuts"! lol

I've just made a few offhand comments every once in a while, to sort of soften the shock for when the changes take place. It has been interesting to see their reaction. I think they see me as pulling their leg, so to speak. Although one of my best friends does have a transgendered daughter who wants to become a boy.

Go figure.

Well i suffer from Chronic Depression...at this point in my life I just assume that everyone knows i am gay, and if they have a problem with it I will be glad to help them through it...but it is not my problem.

Also, you can never predicate what another person will say or do so why try?

We are all creations of Father God and Mother God, and they send us off the school/earth to learn. Then when we graduate/die we go back and tell them what we learned. How can anyone learn if we do not screw things up?

I'm the last one here to give this kind of advice. The only person I've come out to is my wife. I haven't told my childern or my non-gay friends. Oh, all my friends are gay, well. I do think bomb shells are not good. They put people in coners, not a good idea. However, you do it, do it so people have time to mull it over and don't need to react on the spot. That's my two cents.

Gary

I would just like to add to my above advice...that if you are not ready to come out then do not! However, Do not make it hard on those that are out by doing things like putting down gay rights, etc....

Everyone comes out in there own time and place. I have been out for at least 15 years, so for me it is easier to think you know.

I would also like to add that most people know more then they really want to admit. A good example is my father told me once that he always knew i was gay, but did not want to admit it to himself. He even said, his father realized it to which is why he was so hard on you. A few years ago on a city bus a mother and son got on the bus (he was perhaps 8 to 10 yrs old) and I knew he would grow up gay. I wanted to tell him it was ok to be that way, but knew better.