"'Good morning' is a contradiction in terms."
"For eternity: smoking or non-smoking?"
"The only normal person is the one you don't know yet."
"Faster than a speeding ticket."
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. YES is the answer."
"Don't laugh...your daughter could be inside."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. "
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am. "
"Horn broken. Watch for finger."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
"Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you."
"Get thee down. Be thou funky."
"Hang up and DRIVE!!!"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"I'm not wearing any underwear....Film at 11."
"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
"I'm not cheap but I am on special this week."
"A penny saved is ridiculous."
"Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself."
"The word today is "Legs"...Spread the word."
"Drink till she's cute but stop before the wedding."
"I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem."
"Of the choice of two eviils, I pick the one I've never tried before."
"You know, the world doesn't revolve around me, but hey, everyone else seems to think so."
"If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame."
"Don't hate yourself in the morning...sleep till noon."
"Budget: A method for going broke methodically."
"Don't despair...if you need a place to sit, my face is here."
"Xerox does it again and again and again and...."
"How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire."
"No one's a virgin, life screws us all."
"I'm having a party in my pants....wanna come?"
"How's my driving?
http://www.BYTE-ME.com"
"Pity the poor egg, it only gets laid once."
"If you marry for money...well, that's one less thing you'll have to worry about."
"If money isn't everything then why do we need it to GET everything?"
"I was born free...now I'm just expensive."
"Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Assassins do it from behind."
"To all you virgins...thanks for nothin."
"If your going to do something wrong...at least enjoy it."
"Assasins do it from behind."
"Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children."
"Luvs a sensation caused by temptation. A guy stix his location in a girls destination 2 increase the population 4 the next generation-do you understand my explanation or do you need a demonstration?"
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution"
"The less hair I have the more head I get."
"Help wanted....many positions available."
"I started out with nothing and still have most of it left."
"Whisper my favorite words "I'll buy it for you."
"One of us is thinking about sex...OK, it's me."
"I thought I wanted a career...turns out I just wanted the paychecks."
"You never really learn to swear till you learn to drive."
"Everybody repeat after me....We are all individuals"
"Chastity is curable....if detected early."
"
twaddler (imported) wrote: Sat Apr 28, 2007 3:21 pm
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
"
"Honesty is the best policy but insanity is a better defense."
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."
"Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence."
"Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity."
"Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends."
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
"I'm not weird.....I'm gifted."
"It takes a few nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it."
"I can sometimes resist temptation, but never mischief."
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
"Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of?"
"I've heard it all. I've seen it all. I've done it all. I just don't remember it all."
"WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship."
"My girlfriend said I never listen to her...at least that's what I think she said."
"I don't do drugs anymore cuz I found you get the same effect by standing up really fast."
"I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I'm not sure if I believe it."
"Remember, if you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast."
"If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut."
"If your not living life on the edge, your wasting space."
"Your proctologist called. They found your head."
"I get enough exercise pushing my luck."
"Caution: I drive like you do."
"5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park."
"Did somebody say McDonalds?"
"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo..."
"Love me for who I am... (Even if I'm a little... off, sometimes)"
"Will work for food. Will beg for sex."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
"Sensitive, caring, intelligent. . .HORNY"
"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."
"I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive."
"I plead contemporary insanity."
"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
"If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat."
"I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up."
"Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!"
"I have plenty of talent and wisdom. I just don't give a damn."
"I don't work here. . .I'm a consultant."
"Who me? I just wander from room to room."
"At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits."
"Being a bachelor is great; you get home cooked meals, along with a choice of a cook."
"Never have sex with a women you want to talk to the next day."
"Life is too complicated in the morning."
"All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done."
"If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk."
"I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean."
"According to my best recollection, I don't remember."
"If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire."
"People who say money can't buy you happiness just don't know where to shop."
"Whoever called it necking is a poor judge of anatomy."
"Nobody will ever win the war of the sexes- there is too much fraternizing with the enemy."
"I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words."
"Orgasm Donor."
"I came, I saw, I tried, I failed, I cheated, I tried again, I won."
"Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool!"
"I may not totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
"I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness"
"It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me"
"The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name."
"Uniquely maladjusted, but fun."
"Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?"
"24 hours a day, 24 cans of beer, Coincidence? I think not!"
"I'm so good, I scream out my own name during sex."
"Extramarital sex is as overated as premarital sex. And marital sex, come to think of it."
"Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on."
"If God's got anything better than sex to offer, he's certainly keeping to himself!"
"I'm the delinquent that's having sex with your honor student."
"If you can't be good, be good at it."
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
"A man who is old enough to know better is always on the look out for a girl who doesn't."
"You're the reason I'm pierced."
"In some cultures what I do would be considered normal."
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"
"If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?"
"Uniquely maladjusted, but fun"
"Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder"
"Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist."
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
"I've gotta be me - everyone else was taken."
"Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once."
"Yes, I know it's bad for me, but nagging me might be bad for you."
"Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?"
"Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it."
"You can't have everything . . . where would you put it?"
"Of course I can keep secrets - it's the people I tell them to who can't keep them."
"Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects."
"I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few"
"Funny, I don't remember being absentminded. . ."
"Saw it...Wanted it...Had a fit...Got it!!!"
"If you want a stable relationship, get a horse!"
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"
"What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?"
"Too many freaks, not enough circus"
"I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully."
"Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends."
"Take my advice. I'm not using it!"
"Practice safe eating: always use condiments."
"I am having an out-of-money experience."
"Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like."
"Please Flash Driver"
"Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time."
"I just thought it'd be easier if I showed up naked"
"If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them."
"If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning."
"Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery."
"If I get male pattern baldness, I'd like zig-zags please."
"Financial whiz: I'm good at pissing money away."
"Be in control. Tie up your lover."
"Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day."
"Its not pretty being easy"
"I only drink beer on days that end in "Y"
"It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank."
"Life is too short to drink cheap beer."
"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween."
"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..."
"I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans."
"Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?"
"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission."
"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
"Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it."
"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
"I have NOT lost my mind. It's backed up on the server. (and the network is down again...)"
"DO NOT DISTURB Occupant is disturbed enough already"
"BEEN THERE, DONE THAT - Can't remember why..."
"I got out of bed for this?"
"NOT A MORNING PERSON" DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT!"
"I DON'T DO REQUESTS!"
"I am NOT harassing, I'm leering!"
"Ask me about living better through denial."
"I'm not playing with myself, im just adjusting my jewerly"
"Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!"
"Simon says RELAX"
"Naturally Kinky"
"Beers, Broads and Hot Rods"
"My hair looks like this cause i ate paint chips as a kid."
"One by one the penguins steal my sanity"
"&#@%$!"
"Milk Sucks, Got Beer?"
"I'd rather be spanking the monkey!"
"Surf Naked."
"I'm back by popular demand."
"All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done."
"A camel can go 8 days without a drink. . .but why would anyone wanna be a camel?"
"My car isn't leaking oil..it's marking it's spot.
"God created the world in 8 days but it took him centuries to create someone as hot sexy and good lookin as me"
"God invented piercings so that tattooed people wouldn't feel as stupid"
"Drive it like you stole it."
"Don't worry, I'm sotally tober!"
"Next mood swing: 6 minutes."
"I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people."
"If I can't be a good example, I'll just have to serve as a horrible warning"
"If I wanted your lip service, I'd undo my zipper."
"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..."
"Procrastination is like masturbation; it feels good until you realize you f*cked yourself"
"Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself."
"Saturday has a morning?"
"How about a nice tall glass of shut-the-f*ck-up?"
"Who's your Daddy?"
"Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge"
"Bondage... it's knot for everyone"
"9 out of 10 voices in my head say "I'd do her!"
"I DON'T DO ONE NIGHT STANDS! (because if you put out, I'm coming back!)"
"If size doesn't matter, why do chicks dig me so much?"
"Strangers have the best candy"
"If there's a pulse, there's a chance"
"Change lines if you're not scoring"
"10 Things Men Know About Women: 1. Women have boobs"
"If it's too loud, you're too old."
"Co-ed naked billiards, get felt on the table"
"I have tattoos in places you'd love to see"
"Don't like my tattoos? Too bad, they don't rub off"
"Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants."
"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
"Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!"
