CG, somthing quite different from you this time.

Neat! Thanks for doing this story. Very different perspective than might have been expected, but I love a good left turn

Thanks!

http://www.eunuch.org/Alpha/G/ea_221936greg_and.htm

StefanIsMe (imported) wrote: Thu Apr 26, 2007 9:15 pm CG, somthing quite different from you this time.

Neat! Thanks for doing this story. Very different perspective than might have been expected, but I love a good left turn

Thanks!

Thank you. I wonder if anyone else liked it.

Yes,

I did also enjoy this story.

Keep them coming.

Ken

I read this today; first story I've read in a long time, too.

I very much enjoyed it.

Reminds me of the song "Detachable Penis"; I forget who sings it. You should be able to "find" it though...

I had only one problem with the story, and this is CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and not bad-mouthing. I really liked this story, but here goes:

12 year old boys don't talk like that. The dialog was a bit "blocky" and hard to believe from 12 year olds, even if they were being raised by an English-teacher-wannabe.

Other than that, very good job. I can see more parts to the adventures of Peter and Greg coming.

Paolo wrote: Fri Apr 27, 2007 5:43 pm 12 year old boys don't talk like that. The dialog was a bit "blocky" and hard to believe from 12 year olds, even if they were being raised by an English-teacher-wannabe.

That is a problem for me. I turned 13 about 40 years ago. Is there any possibility that you could quote a section of diaglog that is "blocky" and how you would change it?

Paolo wrote: Fri Apr 27, 2007 5:43 pm Other than that, very good job. I can see more parts to the adventures of Peter and Greg coming.

I really do not see how I could write more parts. Do you have any suggestions?

If I can jump in here, I think the problem isn't just with the kid's dialog, but that all the dialog is a little stilted, and like Paolo, I'm not saying this to put down your writing or to say I could do it better, but to start a discussion by which possibly all of us can learn. I'd love to see Paolo's response and criticism. If anyone knows kids and how they talk, he does. I'd love to have such discussion of my writing. One doesn't learn anything from just being told, "Good Story."

After the boys finished their homework, Peter asked, "Mom, do we have time before dinner to go up to my room and listen to some music?"

"You have a little time. When dinner is ready, I'll call you on the intercom."

As soon as they got into the room, Peter turned on his boom box, kissed Greg and got to his knees. He pulled Greg's pants down and started giving him a blow job. When he finished, he said, "God. I sure missed making love to you."

"I missed it too. Now it's my turn," but, before he could get started, Mrs. Grady called them down to dinner.

When they entered the kitchen, Mrs. Grady said, "Why are you two all sweaty?"

Greg froze like a deer in the headlights of a car and his face got very pale. Peter grabbed him in a headlock and said, "We were just doing a little friendly wrestling."

"You be sure you don't hurt him. You are bigger and stronger than he is."

"Now you are making him uncomfortable, besides I would never hurt him."

"He shouldn't be uncomfortable. It's normal for a younger boy to be smaller."

"Actually, he is almost five weeks older than I am." Greg remembered how Peter had insisted on knowing his birth date so that he could give Greg a birthday present even though Greg told him that he would not be able to give him a gift.

"Oh. I thought he had skipped a grade."

Greg said, "I'm not uncomfortable. I'm used to being little. The school did want me to skip a grade but my aunt wouldn't let me. Now I am glad I didn't, because if I had, I probably wouldn't have met Peter."

After dinner they went back up to Peter's room and Greg gave Peter a blow job. Then they went back downstairs and watched a DVD until it was time for Mrs. Grady to drive Greg home.

After the boys had finished their homework, Peter asked, "Mom, can we go up to my room and listen to some music before dinner? Do we have time?"

"I guess," said his mom. "I'll call you on the intercom when it's ready."

Once in his room, Peter turned on his boom box, then turned to Greg and kissed him, unbuttoning Greg's pants while he did, dropping to his knees as he pulled them down. Greg was hard, of course.

Peter took Greg's cock into his mouth. Greg bit his lip and moaned. He came almost at once, his spunk filling Peter's mouth. After swallowing it, Peter looked up, grinning, "I've missed that."

"Oh, shit...me, too," said Greg. "Now, it's my turn." But it wasn't to be. Before he could start, they heard Mrs. Grady's voice over the intercom calling them to dinner.

Looking up at them, as they walked into the kitchen, Mrs. Grady said, "Why are you guys all sweaty."

Greg froze, a look of panic on his pale face, but Peter came to his rescue. He grabbed Greg in a headlock and said, "We were just horsing around, wrestling a little."

"Be careful," said Mrs. Grady. "You don't want to hurt him. You're bigger than he is."

"Mom, you're embarrassing him. Besides, I'd never hurt him."

"Why should that embarrass him? He's younger than you are. It's only natural that he'd be smaller."

Peter glanced at Greg, an apologetic smile on his face, "Actually, he's five weeks older than me."

"It's OK," said Greg, "I'm used to it. I've always been a shrimp. It doesn't bother me." It did, but Greg didn't want to admit that it did.

"Oh," said Mrs. Grady, speaking to Greg, "I thought you'd skipped a grade."

"I could have, I guess," said Greg, "but my aunt didn't want me to. I'm glad I didn't. If I had, I'd probably have never met Peter."

Back in Peter's room, Greg gave Peter the blow job he owed him, then cuddled in each other's arms, they watched a DVD.

......

Again...I'm not saying this is better. It's just how I would write it. Dialog is tough.

CG, here's an example:

You wrote, "But that is different. Greg did really well on his tests and I did really badly on that quiz."

A boy would have said, "But that's different! Greg did real good on his tests and I totally blew that one quiz."

When Greg almost gets mugged: In school on Monday, a large boy pushed Greg up against the wall and said, "Give me your money. I know you have some because Sean said you were being adopted by a rich bitch and you have new clothes."

A boy would have said: "Gimme your money! I know you got money 'cause Sean said you were bein' adopted by some rich bitch and you all of a sudden got new clothes!"

Also keep in mind that it does not, by far, ruin the story. I have the advantage of having had 5 young boys around me for the last fifteen years or so, ever since the first one learned to talk. In casual conversation, boys will NEVER use proper grammar, even if they know how, despite how intelligent they might be. They use contractions at every turn. At this age, swearing when they can get away with it is a huge thing.

As for sequels, well, you've introduced a new character near the end of Part 3. All sorts of things could happen ... another genital injury to this Dennis character, someone else, who knows?

I'd look forward to seeing another chapter or three!

Is the dialog in my new story: Stefan and Tyler, less blocky and stilted?