*I was thinking about how a status symbol * *of today is those cell phones

that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I *

*can't afford one, so I'm wearing my *

*garage door opener.** *

*You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people who

avoided me just didn't like me.*

**

*I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer

cans, and men should put pictures of their missing wives up at the mall!*

**

*I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still

have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

** **

**I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and calling it

"Pumping Rust".*

*I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease -- that's when your chest

falls into your drawers.**

**

**I've come to realize that the secret to a happy life is not looking like

Barbie or Ken and suffering through tofu and rice cakes *

*to stay that way! Its eating chocolate, staying chunky and explain that

you're *

*really a perfect size 6, but you keep it covered with fat so it doesn't get

scratched! *

*When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a

cat?" Just once I want to say "No, it's for company".***

*

**Employment application blanks always ask "who is to be notified in case of

emergency?". I think you should write "A good doctor".**

**

**Why is it that every time I lose weight it finds me again?*

*Why do they put picturesof criminals up in the Post Office?? What are we

supposed *

*to do -- write to these men??? Why don't they put their pictures on the

pstage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the

mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!*

*

**

**Just once, when someone says "How are you?" (without really wanting to

know), I'd like to say "Well, I can't keep my teeth in, I pee on myself

every time I laugh, my hair is falling out, I ** **cannot see where the heck

I'm going most of the time, my back hurts and I pass gas every time I sneeze

(and I feel like sneezing right now)! I'll bet that'd cure 'em from asking

again! *