Chuck Norris goes uphill skiing.
Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 1:29 am
I am not a Chuck Norris Fan at all, but I saw this someplace and I thought it was too funny:
*Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
*Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
*Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
*Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
*Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
*Chuck Norris can speak braille.
*Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
*Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
*Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
*Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
*Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
*Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
*Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
*When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
*Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
*Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
*Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
*If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
*Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
*It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
*Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
*Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
*There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
*Whispering "Fuck Chuck Norris" is the quickest but most painful form of suicide on Earth.
*Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
*The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
*Chuck Norris divides by zero.
*Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
*A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
*Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
*When Chunk Norris has nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, or diarrhea, he drinks arsenic because pink liquids are for pussies.
*Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
*Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
*Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
*When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
*Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
*The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death. Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular. No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris goes uphill skiing.
*Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
*When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
*Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did...
*Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris walks on Jesus.
*What is Chuck Norris' favorite vegetable?
Terry Schiavo.
*When Chuck Norris goes swimming, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with fully loaded guns. He wins every time.
*It was once thought ckuck norris was wetting the bed at night. truth be told the bed pissed itsself whenever he entered the room.
*Chuck Norris is 'Dangers' middle name.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
<BR>If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
*Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
*Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
*Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
*Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
*Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
*Chuck Norris can speak braille.
*Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
*Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
*Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
*Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
*Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
*Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
*Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
*When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
*Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
*Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
*Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
*If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
*Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
*It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
*Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
*Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
*There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
*Whispering "Fuck Chuck Norris" is the quickest but most painful form of suicide on Earth.
*Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
*The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
*Chuck Norris divides by zero.
*Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
*A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
*Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
*When Chunk Norris has nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, or diarrhea, he drinks arsenic because pink liquids are for pussies.
*Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
*Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
*Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
*When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
*Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
*The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death. Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular. No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris goes uphill skiing.
*Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
*When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
*Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did...
*Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris walks on Jesus.
*What is Chuck Norris' favorite vegetable?
Terry Schiavo.
*When Chuck Norris goes swimming, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with fully loaded guns. He wins every time.
*It was once thought ckuck norris was wetting the bed at night. truth be told the bed pissed itsself whenever he entered the room.
*Chuck Norris is 'Dangers' middle name.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
<BR>If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
