Humor
Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 7:54 am
Subject: Kitchen sex
> >
> > She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in.
She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
> >
> > His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose
the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
> >
> > Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove. More than a little
puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
> >
> > She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
***************************
A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
Well said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?" "
No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad," replied the boy.
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "But, if it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
********************
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these
Four Religious Truths
Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
************************************************** ***
INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named
because He had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone
not to call Him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone
finally cracked and said, "If Anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill
them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then
one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,
Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where He made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all
the next Day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around
that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman Named Yellow Bird
returned to the village after being away for many years.Yellow Bird, who
was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged
him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone Grabbed her, took
her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all Day, made love to
her all night, made love to her all the next day, made Love to her all
the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................
OH, come on...take a guess!
Think about it
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
**********************************************
Subject: George Carlin's New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.comThere's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low-fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those "athletes" at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want, and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
************************************
A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eyeing two U.S. Government officials sent to interview
him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for
90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen
his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied.
"When white man found this land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."
"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."
Then Chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
***************************
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them
at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling,
"What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures
doing here by the roa d?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
**********************************************
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer,
time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these
hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5
feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters go running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....this was the third
gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ..
1) You don't get old being a fool!
2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
3) Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS
************************************************** *******
> >
> > She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in.
She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
> >
> > His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose
the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
> >
> > Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove. More than a little
puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
> >
> > She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
***************************
A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
Well said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?" "
No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad," replied the boy.
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "But, if it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
********************
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these
Four Religious Truths
Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
************************************************** ***
INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named
because He had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone
not to call Him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone
finally cracked and said, "If Anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill
them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then
one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,
Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where He made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all
the next Day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around
that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman Named Yellow Bird
returned to the village after being away for many years.Yellow Bird, who
was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged
him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone Grabbed her, took
her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all Day, made love to
her all night, made love to her all the next day, made Love to her all
the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................
OH, come on...take a guess!
Think about it
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
**********************************************
Subject: George Carlin's New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.comThere's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low-fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those "athletes" at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want, and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
************************************
A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eyeing two U.S. Government officials sent to interview
him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for
90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen
his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied.
"When white man found this land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."
"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."
Then Chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
***************************
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them
at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling,
"What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures
doing here by the roa d?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
**********************************************
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer,
time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these
hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5
feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters go running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....this was the third
gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ..
1) You don't get old being a fool!
2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
3) Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS
************************************************** *******
Those were great stories. I heard the one about the roosters some years ago, but it was great to read it again. Some humour each day makes the day by faster.