I continue to reflect upon my castration, especially when I cut off my left testicle. It was a process that kept building in me and I attempted castration several times before I actually cut my scrotum open, pulled out the testicle and with a heated knife cut it off. No pain medication, no numbing, but an overwhelming and punishing desire to be castrated.

I had attempted to castrate myself in Dec. of 96, then again in June of 97. In June of 97, I woke up early with weird dreams of getting castrated. I got out of bed, walked downstairs, took out a knife, sat calmly on a kitchen chair and cut my scrotum open. The bleeding made me nervous and I started to panic. The cut through my scrotum was large, but I was determined. I pulled the testicle out and laid the knife against the cord. I started to cut, felt a strange sensation, I was cutting one of the nerves and that woke me up out of my delirium. I pushed the testicle back inside and folded the scrotum together and held a towel up to it.

Things got worse, blood kept pouring out, I drove myself to the emergency room and a wonderful nurse took me aside and began to assist me. She was most compassionate, but then a rude and insensitve doctor looked at my wound, called me some name, and then walked away. He came back and injected me with a needle to numb things up, still seething about what I had done. He walked away again, I got up, zipped my pants, and walked out the door. I had given the nurse a false name so, no one knew what became of me. The bleeding subsided and I nursed myself back to health. The testicle didn't seem any worse for wear, but it was not quite the same. That was June of 97.

The next couple of months I tried to push my castration desire away and tried to redirect my thinking when ever it surfaced, but it was extremely difficult. It was as if I was fighting someone else who had control of me.

Then in late Sept. of 97, I woke up about 4am with a tremendous desire to castrate myself. I had a female co-worker I had confided in about my castration fixation and she was sympathetic. I called her told her I had to go through with it, I had to be castrated. She tried to talk me out of it and she invited me over. When I got there my heart was racing, my castration desire was pounding and pushing me to do it. After much convincing, she agreed to assist me, and we prepared things. She would not handle the knife or castrate me, but she said she would help me through it.

She was amazed and curious. I took an extremely sharp knife, pushed it through the left side of my scrotum and pulled out my testicle. The cut was not very large, a little over an inch or so it seemed to me. The blood was too much for her and she ran out. But I was determined. I heated the knife, pulled out the testicle, put the heated blade to the cord and very slowly began to saw through the cord. Quickly I felt the nerve jump as I cut through it, I stopped because it scared me, but I was so possessed that I quickly cut through the rest of the cord and held the testicle in my hand. That seemed to satisfy me and I decided that that was enough for the day. I did not cut off my right testicle, but I sutured my incision, kind of sloppily and poured peroxide over the wound. That stung a little. I got cleaned up, put my clothes on, said goodbye to my friend and went home.

I do not remember experiencing much pain, but I was giddy and crazed at what I had done. But in a few hours, my exhiliration began to subside. My scrotum started to blow up, still I did nothing. I was not going to the emergency room, at least not yet. I had a hematoma and it was serious. I finally went to the emergency room, saw a female doctor on duty who I lied to, I'm ashamed to say. I don't remember the lie, but I lied about how my testicle was removed. She stated that a urologist would need to be called in, but she suggested icing things to reduce the swelling. That was all I needed to hear. She left and a few minutes later, I left too. I iced up my scrotum hour after hour and believe it or not, over the next few weeks the hematoma got smaller and smaller. Whew! Now I wished I had removed both testicles.

After that it seemed as if I was completely castrated, at least for the next few months. I could not get an erection, my testosterone dropped way down, I think my body was adjusting to the shock. My right testicle did not enlarge the way people said it would, due to abuse I believe. (I read that if you lost a testicle the remaining one would enlarge and pick up the slack of producing testosterone, mine did not). I got tested three months later and my "T" levels were down to 225, normal are between 300-1200. But even with these low testosterone levels, evenutally, I started to think about finishing my castration, and did in March of 2006, at the hands of Dr. Kimmel. But there was a five and a half year break between my final castration. I think it was due to my lower "T" levels, but I'm not sure.

I have written all of this because I want your opinion, am I sane, was I insane, why would someone in their "right mind" do something so dangerous, so maddening? What separates the sane from the insane, or was it a mental problem caused by the excessive testosterone? Could it be labeled a "chemical imbalance" caused by the testosterone? Are those of us who are compelled to be castrated experiencing what mental patients experience?

I of course can not judge your sanity since these days I am calling mine into question. Seriously I think you are sane. You understood what was wrong and what you needed to be happy. I am glad you survived and are a memeber today. You may not have made the best choice in methods for the first time but I understand the drive to be castrated. I was offering mine to almost everyone I would meet. Some think I was crazy for using a cutter but I would have become crazier if I still had them.

We all make the best decisions we can at the time. I do think I was not happy with testosterone in my system. I do not know if I ever had an excess of T but I wanted rid of the little producers. To this day I can not figure out the trigger that started the castration obsession. Was it the childhood abuse, too much testosterone or a cure for sexual addiction? In all honesty it does not matter and I will probably never know.

My advice to you is not to judge yourself from that time period but for who you are today. I certainly make better, more sane choices today. I like who I am and the way I am in control of my life. Testosterone will never again impair my judgement.

Hash (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 08, 2007 7:20 am I have written all of this because I want your opinion, am I sane, was I insane, why would someone in their "right mind" do something so dangerous, so maddening? What separates the sane from the insane, or was it a mental problem caused by the excessive testosterone? Could it be labeled a "chemical imbalance" caused by the testosterone? Are those of us who are compelled to be castrated experiencing what mental patients experience?

That is a very interesting story. Your description of an overwhelming desire for castration sounds like a form of psychosis. Was it caused by too much testosterone? We will never know since the experiment cannot be reversed by restoring the lost testicles.

I'd like to think that my own desire for castration is caused by too much testosterone and not a mental defect. I'd also like to think that castration will solve my problem with an excessive and abnormal sexual drive. I guess I'll have to try it and see.... (I am patiently waiting for the right time, place and surgeon though - no overwhelming urges for me.)

One theory of how the mind works is that your mental condition is a kind of vector phenomenon rather than a scalar one. This means you can be psychotic in regard to one aspect of your thought and behavior, but sane in other aspects. I don't know if this way of thinking is correct or not, but, so long as the desire for castration can be compartmentalized, and your thoughts and behaviors in other areas are sane, then you might be considered to be in a psychotic condition regarding one element of your mind, and sane in the other elements. Of course, the problem is that the element of your personality in which you aren't sane, might affect everything else in your head, and then there would be no question that you were clinically insane. But as long as the weird thoughts and behaviors ended after Dr. Kimmel did his cuts, it seems like you could be considered sane at this time.

Beau Geste (imported) wrote: Sun Jan 28, 2007 2:02 pm One theory of how the mind works is that your mental condition is a kind of vector phenomenon rather than a scalar one. This means you can be psychotic in regard to one aspect of your thought and behavior, but sane in other aspects. I don't know if this way of thinking is correct or not, but, so long as the desire for castration can be compartmentalized, and your thoughts and behaviors in other areas are sane, then you might be considered to be in a psychotic condition regarding one element of your mind, and sane in the other elements. Of course, the problem is that the element of your personality in which you aren't sane, might affect everything else in your head, and then there would be no question that you were clinically insane. But as long as the weird thoughts and behaviors ended after Dr. Kimmel did his cuts, it seems like you could be considered sane at this time.

That is a very interesting theory. So if I have an insane desire for castration, an orchiectomy would restore my sanity. Fascinating.

Could we then say that testosterone pushes one over the edge of sanity and with it's removal or reduction, one becomes sane? What normal person slices open his scrotum or puts a band around it until he can no longer take the pain or sticks pins through his testicles or squishes them in a vice. I've seen and heard it all. Testosterone is the catalyst that makes men do dangerous things and even insane things. Isn't it testosterone that greatly increases the angry dispositions of most men? Isn't it testosterone that causes men to strive for domination over others? It's true in the animal kingdom. Isn't it testosterone that makes men want to fight at the drop of a hat? I think so. That being the case, we should blame testosterone for causing most of the worlds problems and for insanity. Sane people do not rape, murder, abuse, hurt, or cut themselves. That's my perspective. Comments?

Hash (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:13 am Could we then say that testosterone pushes one over the edge of sanity and with it's removal or reduction, one becomes sane? What normal person slices open his scrotum or puts a band around it until he can no longer take the pain or sticks pins through his testicles or squishes them in a vice. I've seen and heard it all. Testosterone is the catalyst that makes men do dangerous things and even insane things. Isn't it testosterone that greatly increases the angry dispositions of most men? Isn't it testosterone that causes men to strive for domination over others? It's true in the animal kingdom. Isn't it testosterone that makes men want to fight at the drop of a hat? I think so. That being the case, we should blame testosterone for causing most of the worlds problems and for insanity. Sane people do not rape, murder, abuse, hurt, or cut themselves. That's my perspective. Comments?

You make a good case for castration at birth except for those males reserved for breeding stock.

Hash (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:13 am Could we then say that testosterone pushes one over the edge of sanity and with it's removal or reduction, one becomes sane?

No.

What normal person slices open his scrotum or puts a band around it until he can no longer take the pain or sticks pins through his testicles or squishes them in a vice. I've seen and heard it all.

That's not necessarily a result of the testosterone.

Hash (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:13 am Testosterone is the catalyst that makes men do dangerous things and even insane things.

Again, not so much. There are plenty of women out there doing dangerous and insane things, and there are many other reasons for doing them than simply 'testosterone'.

Hash (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:13 am Isn't it testosterone that greatly increases the angry dispositions of most men?

No, its poor impulse control combined with few to no anger management skills. Eunuchs can get just as angry. Eunuchs can lash out. Women can be the aggressors as well.

Hash (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:13 am Isn't it testosterone that causes men to strive for domination over others? It's true in the animal kingdom.

We are more than mere animals. The drive for power is entirely separate from anything caused by testosterone. The eunuch bureaucrats in China could likely have taught Machiavelli a few lessons.

Hash (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:13 am Isn't it testosterone that makes men want to fight at the drop of a hat? I think so.

Again, not necessarily. There are good arguments proving that such propensities towards violence may stem from a feeling of powerlessness. Castration isn't likely to alleviate that.

Hash (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:13 am That being the case, we should blame testosterone for causing most of the worlds problems and for insanity. Sane people do not rape, murder, abuse, hurt, or cut themselves. That's my perspective. Comments?

Absolutely not. Blaming testosterone merely allows those who abuse others to escape blame themselves. It gives abusers, the violent, and the powerful licence to continue their actions because after all, it is not their fault they are bad people, it's the testosterone.

And as for cutting, if testosterone is the cause, then why is it teenage girls are far more likely to self-injure (cutting themselves and the like) than teenage males, where testosterone is nearing it's highest?

Blaming testosterone for all the world's ills is entirely wrong, and does great disservice towards the vast majority of males who manage to keep themselves under control without harming others.

BossTamsin (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 31, 2007 8:20 pm Blaming testosterone for all the world's ills is entirely wrong, and does great disservice towards the vast majority of males who manage to keep themselves under control without harming others.

It also does a great disservice to those who seek castration for other benefits, specifically those who identify as M-to-E, to gender issues, to anyone here for anything other than attempts at controlling an aggressive personality. (Wanna see a nun with no nuts and minimal testosterone get aggressive? Vex me...)

Hash (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:13 am Could we then say that testosterone pushes one over the edge of sanity and with it's removal or reduction, one becomes sane? What normal person slices open his scrotum or puts a band around it until he can no longer take the pain or sticks pins through his testicles or squishes them in a vice. I've seen and heard it all. Testosterone is the catalyst that makes men do dangerous things and even insane things. Isn't it testosterone that greatly increases the angry dispositions of most men? Isn't it testosterone that causes men to strive for domination over others? It's true in the animal kingdom. Isn't it testosterone that makes men want to fight at the drop of a hat? I think so. That being the case, we should blame testosterone for causing most of the worlds problems and for insanity. Sane people do not rape, murder, abuse, hurt, or cut themselves. That's my perspective. Comments?

Hi Hash

I thought money was the root of all evil not testosterone? My perspective is different. I had low levels of T and was miserable, angry, unable to think, tired and asexual. Everything really sucked for me and getting on HRT to get my levels to a normal level has made life 1000x better. I think you miss the possible benifits of Testosterone.

Are you crazy? I think that a sane approach would have been talking to your doctor and or a urologist. Cutting yourself open with a knife may not be "insane" but its damn close. *Just my opinion.