"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind waclear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop
and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman ask, How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
11th Husband
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God, I miss him!"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government.... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Jill: "Oh Margaret. This new guy I'm dating is sooooo
romantic. Every time he speaks to me, he starts with,
'Fair Lady'."
Margaret: "Romantic my ass! Don't you know he used
to be a bus driver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was talking to a guy I know today, and he was telling me that
he's met the girl that he thinks might be "the one". So I thought I
would wish him good luck. But I was wondering what the right phrase
for that might be. You know that actors superstition requires that
you tell them to "break a leg" instead of saying "good luck". What
would the equivalent be for wishing good luck to a guy who's met
the right girl?
Bust a Nut maybe?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little
bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.
"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask questions afterward."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions.
One kid asked, 'Is there any part of the woman's body known as the Volvo?'
Which I thought was a good question. I said, 'Only on Swedish women.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn, A few seconds' later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing. As he walks into the barn he sees Bruce
on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the ass with it. Bruce jumps up and runs outside. Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said, "I didn't think you had it in you Mary." "Neither did I, Dad," said Mary, "until you hit him on the ass with the shovel."
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A-1