No Balls at All (http://sniff.numachi.com/pages/tiNOBALLS;ttNOBALLS.html)

Now listen my children, a story you'll hear.

A song I will sing you; 'twill fill you with cheer.

A charming young maiden was wed in the Fall.

She married a man who had no balls at all.

cho: No balls at all. No balls at all.

She married a man who had no balls at all.

The night of the wedding she leaped into bed.

Her breasts were a-heaving; her legs were well spread.

She reached for his penis; his penis was small.

She reached for his balls; he had no balls at all.

`Oh mother, oh mother, oh, what shall I do?

I've married a man who's unable to screw.

(For many long years, I've avoided the call,

Now I've married a man who has no balls at all.'')

or (Oh mother, oh mother, I wish I were dead

And buried along of my poor maidenhead.)

'Oh daughter, oh daughter, now don't feel so sad;

I had the same trouble with your dear old dad

There are lots of young men who will answer the call

Of the wife of a man who has no balls at all.'

Now the daughter, she followed her mother's advice,

And she found the proceedings exceedingly nice,

And a bouncing young baby was born in the Fall

To the wife of the man who had no balls at all.

(or, 'The bouncing young bastard had no balls at all.')

Spoken: No testicles whatsoever!

Thanks to Mudcat for the Digital Tradition!

Bullocks! (http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/bllcks/check/)

No one's got the health of your balls as close to your heart as you do. So take charge of their health.

You don't need any expert knowledge to do a self-exam. And it only takes a couple of minutes.

When and where?

Check yourself regularly; once a month is good, so you get used to how your testicles feel while they're healthy.

The best place is in the bath or shower, when the skin of the scrotum is relaxed.

Feel your balls.

Hold the scrotum in the palms of your hands and use your fingers and thumbs to feel your testicles.

Some difference is perfectly normal; for instance, one testicle may be larger or hang lower.

Gently feel each one by rolling it between your thumb and forefingers. Then press each testicle gently.

You'll find there's a soft tube at the top and back of the testicle. This is the epididymis, which carries and stores sperm. Don't confuse this with a lump; it's supposed to be there. You'll also feel the smooth spermatic tube which runs up from the epididymis.

What to look for?

Each testicle should be smooth, with no lumps or swellings. Check for any small irregularities, enlargements or changes in firmness.

A lump that might be dangerous can be anything from the size of a pea. It's not usually painful, though there may be a dull ache.

Compare and contrast.

Men don't usually develop cancer in both testicles at once, so if you are worried about something on one of your testicles, compare it with the other.

What if you find something?

If you find any lump or swelling or change in your testicles, go to your doctor.

Bear in mind that most swellings and lumps in the testicles are not cancer.

They may, for instance, be benign cysts or fatty tissue. It may be a false alarm (http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/bllcks/me_an ... rton.shtml); but definitely go to see your GP anyway.

Don't panic.

Remember, 95 per cent of diagnosed cases are cured. If you're worried about anything you find during self-examination, the sooner you get it checked, the better.

Why all the fuss (http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/bllcks/q_and_a/fuss.shtml)?

What will happen at the hospital (http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/bllcks/q_and ... ital.shtml)?

This reminds me of an ancient thread on the Archive that may need to be revived: Songs about Testicles (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=1965). Does anyone have any additions?

Not merely is the poem amusing, the skill in handling the unusual meter is very impressive.

JesusA (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 04, 2006 9:40 am This reminds me of an ancient thread on the Archive that may need to be revived: Songs about Testicles (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=1965). Does anyone have any additions?

Thanks Jesus. I was searching the Archive all morning but couldn't find the thread you found... Thanks again.