Have you ever wondered if things could be different?

I'm not saying there are any regrets about castration, because regret would imply mistake. I did what I felt was necessary - having felt that way for some time. Had it not been done then - I would likely be here now thinking about it, planning and obsessing. Possibly even still self-harming.

Faced with the same feelings and situtation I would probably have made the same decision again. -- and here I would be ... typing this same post. Was it fate? I did not choose to feel this way, so I cannot resent a decision I based on a desire I had no choice over.

Yet, sometimes I feel like ... I wish it could all have been different somehow. Maybe a me that enjoyed a hyperactive libido, accepting of his sexual feelings and everything male. Not had these persistant thoughts about castration.

But then, I suppose, would this have been the real me at all?

Can anyone else relate to this feeling?

thefraj (imported) wrote: Fri May 19, 2006 4:11 pm Have you ever wondered if things could be different?

I'm not saying there are any regrets about castration, because regret would imply mistake. I did what I felt was necessary - having felt that way for some time. Had it not been done then - I would likely be here now thinking about it, planning and obsessing. Possibly even still self-harming.

Faced with the same feelings and situtation I would probably have made the same decision again. -- and here I would be ... typing this same post. Was it fate? I did not choose to feel this way, so I cannot resent a decision I based on a desire I had no choice over.

Yet, sometimes I feel like ... I wish it could all have been different somehow. Maybe a me that enjoyed a hyperactive libido, accepting of his sexual feelings and everything male. Not had these persistant thoughts about castration.

But then, I suppose, would this have been the real me at all?

Can anyone else relate to this feeling?

Oh, yes, this is not an uncommon theme. Occasionally experience it myself, hear it from others on occasion. I suspect that for most of us (not all), this kind of whimsical or ruminative pondering is quite to be expected and normal, particularly given the significant impact of castration upon one's being.....

I don’t know if this will be helpful or not.

I think we all have regrets – among other things. Call them “issues” if you will. Regrets, problems, doubts…pick one…whoever you are.

I know I certainly do.

I live with them every day.

What if…?

What if I’d done this or that?

What if I hadn’t?

Some of them are worse than others.

Some of them are even horrific, and not for discussion here.

But do you – have you ever – stood in front of the bathroom mirror and confronted the person looking back, only to say, “I hate you. I wish you’d go away.” Or perhaps, more gently, “I just wish you were someone else.”

Then you realize that you can’t have that. And still…you want it.

Do we always want what we know we can’t have? Or are just in the grip of Human Nature to not be happy with what we do have?

I don’t know.

But somehow I think I can relate.

In my view, we have to have the courage of our convictions and our actions, if not we will do nothing else but drink from the well of self pity or despare, what is done is done so look forward and greet each day with a smile, a smile begets a smile which will have the effect of lifting your spirits. A different story is, if you have offended someone deliberately well then regrett remorse and despare are your lot, to amend just say sorry.

Paolo wrote: Fri May 19, 2006 6:55 pm I think we all have regrets – among other things. Call them “issues” if you will. Regrets, problems, doubts…pick one…whoever you are.

...

I don’t know.

But somehow I think I can relate.

Nail, right on the head is hitting.

Yeah, I'm sorry Paolo I don't mean to unearth anything from the past which may be painful. I prefer the word 'issues' simply because 'regret' suggests you did something wrong. I don't even entertain the "what if...?" game anymore, because we all did the best we could with what we had at the time.

It's hard to put into words, if we could go back now and do things differently - with this extra information, would that be the real us? Or an imposter simply pretending to be us - who has all the answers we never had? It's the events that shape us and our resposes that make us who we are... as much a part of us as our hair or skin colour. That person in the mirror. Something we cannot change, anymore than we can escape the events which shaped us. And - ultimately let to the moment of staring endlessly into the mirror itself.

I can totally relate, and after teh first 10 minutes of staring the face starts to look odd. Unearthly, inhuman. Unfamiliar? Like a strange structure that becomes stranger the longer you stare.

I wish I was someone else.

Someone good.

I'm not fishing for complements, so anyone thinking of saying anything nice can go straight to hell.

Well, anyway, sorry for sounding negative. I think Krister is right, and Paolo. I guess it happens to most people from time to time, about every issue... not just castration. I guess this 'issue' sticks out more because of it's rareness. But I suppose it's just another peice of a complex jigsaw that comes together to make us an individual. Without it, the jigsaw would not quite be complete.

I can totally relate, and after the

thefraj (imported) wrote: Sat May 20, 2006 3:59 am first 10 minutes of staring the face starts to look odd. Unearthly, inhuman. Unfamiliar? Like a strange structure that becomes stranger the longer you stare.

I wish I was someone else.

Someone good.

It sounds like you and I are using the same brand of mirrors.

I think with many things we do in life, at least the major decisions we make in our lives, we at some time look back and wonder about them and how they might have been different. In some of those cases we might regret what we did, but in most cases it is simply that we recognize it could have happened or turned out very differently, and we ask ourselves, what if. This is normal, everyone does this about a number of things throughout their lives.

A good example is someone whose major in college was business, but they were also interested in law and thought about going to law school, but got a job and made a business career instead. Even though they are happy with their career choice, they might every now and then ask themself, "What if I had become a lawyer, how different would my life have been."

With the theories of parallel universes, there is the idea that for every possible outcome there is a parallel universe or an alternative reality where that outcome did happen. So for everything that has happened in your life, so the theory goes, there is a parallel universe or alternate reality where every possible outcome did happen.

At 50 years old I look at myself and know that at this point I am the happiest I have ever been. Becoming a eunuch was what brought me to this point. Would I have liked to have avoided all the things on lifes path that made becoming a eunuch so important? Hell yes! As I have said in other posts the reasons were both internal and external. I can not undue the past so I did what I had to do to make the present as liveable as I could.

Before I go straight to hell I have to complimant you and many of the EA members on what incredible people you are. We are different but when you look in the mirror see your strengths and uniqueness and not whether you fit into society's narrow mold.

I believe it was Aristotle that said, "A life unexamined isn't worth living."

Most people we see are little more than zombies.

I don't understand people that judge their selfworth by having clothes with a particular designer's name on them, having a certain type of car, living in a particular section of a city, etc., etc., etc.

I understand the references to the mirror. Never in my life have I recognized the image in the mirror. Only when I look beyond the visual do I recognize self.

It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Hey, Fraj that is a good question.

I think "the grass is always greener" mentality is just part of the human condition.

The problem is that we have all these mental frames that idealize what life might be like, but our mental frames are usually not what the reality would be like. You said it yourself, if you hadn't been castrated you'd still be in that obsessive downward spiral of self-harm.

Another thing is that (sad to say) even people that look like they have life all rosy usually don't. One weakness or another is usually gnawing at each person's souls. It may not be sexuality, but any number of other "demons". There are very few people who are truly content as they are -- in fact these rare people are "sages", rare and wise.

I try to subscribe to the philosophy of Taoism. In Taoism, the whole goal is pretty much to appreciate the state you're in, in the present, rather than worrying about what ifs, regrets, and future possibiliities.

The "grass is greener on the other side" can actually destroy a person. I suggest that you really concentrate on enjoying what you do have. In truth, you are still among one of the most privileged people that has ever lived! The abject poverty, wasting diseases, and violence that has defined so many billions of lives is much worse than any of our darkest days.

By the way, your recent avatar looks like you are much more at peace than your old one.

Cheers!