Oooops!
Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 2:03 pm
Two for the price of one....
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank!"
"Yes I have, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Ok, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Ok, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell through the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 01854 703921?
.................................................. .................................................. ..
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbours will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching a late TV show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pyjamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I lay still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Perhaps you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife.
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank!"
"Yes I have, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Ok, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Ok, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell through the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 01854 703921?
.................................................. .................................................. ..
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbours will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching a late TV show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pyjamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I lay still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Perhaps you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife.