SOUTHERN vs. NORTHERN FOOTBALL
Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 2:56 pm
This is just another reason to love the south...enjoy
SOUTHERN vs. NORTHERN FOOTBALL
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara,
and a fifth of Captian Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance,
gymnastic training.
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus & put name on the waiting list.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday
for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes
over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the people up north.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to Local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthew's' Band," who come
over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk
right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes
the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on
it, filled ! less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for
Captian Morgan/Crown.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-par harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of Captian Morgan/Crown.
Commentary
(Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary
(Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes
to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.
SOUTHERN vs. NORTHERN FOOTBALL
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara,
and a fifth of Captian Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance,
gymnastic training.
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus & put name on the waiting list.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday
for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes
over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the people up north.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to Local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthew's' Band," who come
over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk
right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes
the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on
it, filled ! less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for
Captian Morgan/Crown.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-par harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of Captian Morgan/Crown.
Commentary
(Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary
(Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes
to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.