Highbrow Genital Jokes

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that

evolution laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will

also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus dooming your DNA!

~

My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel

West and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate

with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the

seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire!

~

My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a

non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest

and lob mighty harpoons at me!

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If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals,

surely Marx's concept of the End of History would be nigh.

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My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of

genitalia what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism!

~

My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my

member could fill every page of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist

tomes!

~

A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust

and flavorful genitals, even after the third helping!

~

My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could

single-handedly seduce and defile the entire lesbian population of

Sarah Lawrence University!

~

My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I

barely have enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite

Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"!

~

If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the

title of the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be

"Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."!

~

Hemingway''''s lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ

was big."

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My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every

human male were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically

super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female population,

thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men!

Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin

flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his

watery slumber!

~

Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals,

which have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed

to create great American works, and this admiration turned to sour

envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling "Turn

of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"!

~

So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to

theorize that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would

weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled,

Prada-clad Casanovas!

~

My genitals are comparable to Harvard University's endowment - both

are the largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the

respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be

seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work

very hard to prove they are worthy.

David Allen Coe wirte a song lyric that sums all of these up:

I'm so M*****-F***ing big, I made Linda Lovelace gag!