1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died

peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the

passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you

get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a

support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they

meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's

not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into

doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,

drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball

and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the

infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and

we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend

wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, the day before they leave

you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took

her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,

they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm

halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....

I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of

people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime

and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's

go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us

geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they

turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in

case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line

from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,

do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is

the same."

--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a

member of Congress... But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school

student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown

18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a

place."

--Billy Crystal

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog

will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!

I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow

Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased