cartilage = carriage
...but now you have gone and done it....
Indian having children
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
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The vultures are flying
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
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Try joining the Mafia
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."
The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"
Artie answers, "No."
The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."
So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"
The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."
Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."
The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."
Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.
The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.
In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"
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A midget fortune teller
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.
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Doctor goes to a bar
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
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Jewish anthropologist
A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
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I'm a baker for the army. When I go to war, I go in all buns glazing.
There is evidence that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers, but unfortunately all the league records were destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll sadly never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A very nervous man became an investments broker. Whenever there was bad news about a company he held shares in, his nervousness would make is feet begin to sweat profusely. It's apparently a common trait in investment circles, though - bad news makes your socks stink.
He said he grown strong from all his dancing, but no-one believed him.
It was obvious to all that he was bearing waltz fitness.
Two American Football teams are on a tour of Europe and have a quiz to see which team can name most places in Holland. The game was won by a single Dutch Town.
There was a group of transvestite football fans who would only go to matches when they could wear a dress made of feathers. Of course, they needed a sunny day for it, so they became known as wear-feather fans.
A child was misbehaving by protesting loudly and rudely, waving boards with crazy slogans on, while guests were visiting. He was punished for having mad banners.
I went to the hairdresser, and they did my hair so that it made me look much taller.... they put lie-heights in my hair.
A brother at a monestary tried sending out lots of unwanted advertisments, but he was arrested and put in prison.
He was also very unpopular in prison. After all - no-one likes monk jail.
A pig lived in a very run-down pig-house. He looked up one night at the gaping holes in the roof, and said "Look at all the scars in the sty."
A man was brought before the king, who said "Off with his head!" Just then, the king's royal coin designer entered the room, the man leapt on him, saying "I throw myself on your majesty's face engraver."
"Here's champagne to our real friends...
...and real pain to our sham friends"
and now, your reading list....
"Beard-trimming for Beginners", by Ray Zore.
"Attacked by a Russian Tiger", by Claude Myleggov.
"Running With The Herd", by Stan Pede.
"Antlers in the Treetops" by Hu Guzed DeMuse.
"Yellow River" by I. P. Daily.
"Spots on the Wall" by Hu Flung Pu
"Archery", by Beau-Anne Darrow.
"Look What I've Made", by Andy Work.
"My House: Open To The Elements", by Rufus Missing.
"Troubled Waters", by Bridgette Over.
"Dangerous Poisons", by Cy O'Nide.
"Prickly Fences", by Barbara Wire.
"Ruled by the Rich", Ollie Garky.
"Making it clear", by Clara Fide.
"Supernatural Powers", Claire Voyan.
"Damaged Goods", by Warren T. Repairs.
"A Rising Star" by Amanda B. Reckonwith.
"Advanced Dentistry", by Dr. Perry O'Donnell
"Wealthy Animals" By Richard Vark
"Learn To Do It Yourself" by Tyrone Shoelaces.
"Can I come in?" by Isador Open.
"Kung-fu Fighting" by Marsha Larts.
"An Analysis of Shakespeare", by Toby O'Nottoby
"Brain Surgery for Beginners" by Trea Pan Nation
"Making Beautiful Music", by Mel Odies.
"Marvels of Modern Technology", by Sophie Stikated.
"My Favorite Stringed Instrument", by Amanda Lin.
"Joints of the Body," by Tony Capps
"Insomnia", by M.T. Bed.
"Equestrian Sports", by Horace Ryder
"French Painters of the 17th Century", by Rene Sance
And FINALLY... in honor of Robby, Dale Evans and Roy Rogers...
"The Bloody Trail" by Coe Tex Kidd
Hope you got them all...
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